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Original Q: My uplevelling goal for this month has been to exert B- level effort on a particular work task which takes over the month. Its always been intense and exhausting because of the tight turnaround deadline (exam marking). The win is that my effort level on said task has shifted from A+++ to B- so well done me! What I didn't factor in is that the team working on this task with me would bring a C- to D- level attitude/approach to the task i.e. not meeting deadlines and generally being demanding and unappreciative of my efforts to help them. Result: I ended up feeling exhuasted and frustrated anyway which is the result I didn't want. What I wanted was to get the job done on time but with less songs and bells (feedback) than I would usually provide so I could keep the task to no more than 9 hours a day. It turned out not to be just about the hours but also the energy it cost me in holding the boundaries related to getting them to do their work. I have a week left on this task. What can I learn from this about how I can manage tasks more effortlessly when they involve colleagues who I 'manage' especially when (tight) deadlines are involved. The working environment is difficult right now with redundancies etc. and I do want to be and am a supportive colleague/team manager but not at cost to myself which feels like has been the case for a long time. So this is not just about up-levelling but also self-concept shifting from 'I am someone who gets the job done' to 'I am someone who puts her wellbeing first whilst getting things done (effortlessly)'. Any thoughts/tips on getting to that uplevelled selfconcept would be great. Thanks.

Answer: Congratulations on achieving your goal and isn't it curious what arises when we pursue a goal? Here's to the next phase! Self-management is one thing, self-management in group dynamics is another, and both of those things feed into the group dynamics. I'm curious about what you think managing tasks more effortlessly when it involves colleagues means to you? If your team was acting exactly in the right way in your mind, what would be different?

Part 2 Q: What would be different is that colleagues would just do their job, follow basic policy requirements and ideally (but not necessarily) be thankful for my assitance and encouragement rather than hierarchical approach. That would already make my role more effortless. However, I know as Robin recently reminded me in coaching expecting people/adults/colleagues to be 'competent' is a thought error. So effortless in that context would be to accept that colleagues/teams won't necessarily be made up of people bringing their competent/adult selves to the team and even when I take into account 'life' happening for them I probably need to take responsibility for my feelings of resentment rather than expecting them to change. I am doing that through breathwork, swimming etc. letting it go and being more boundaried around the extent of accommodations I will make. It feels hard but I guess uplevelling my self concept is going to feel uncomfortable, hard and actually emotionally painful due to feeling unseen and unappreciated as a kind, decent team manager....

Answer:

Robin! What a nugget of wisdom she gave - adults are humans, and not everyone of them is going to show up giving even a B- effort - it can be a hard pill to swallow. And it would be SO EXCELLENT if everyone just did what we wanted them to do, right?! You're brain is in the right camp about taking responsibility for your feelings and thoughts.

This might be a chance to do an evaluation of how you moved through this experience with your team so you can identify the lessons you're wanting to take with you.

What went well? What didn't go well? What would you do differently next time? What support do you need to do that?

Keep the focus on you and bring it back to us so we can continue coaching on this.

Hi Coaches,

Thank you again for your reflections on my last submissions. I stayed with your questions and journaled.

After sending the message, I felt immediate relief. I was just glad not to have to carry it around anymore. It felt good and important to finally speak my truth. A weight was lifted.

I wasn’t actually waiting for a response. If I’m honest, I think I was avoiding it. I didn’t want to deal with what might come back. When they did respond, it felt too soon. I wasn’t ready. That’s when I honored my own timing: I didn’t open the message until I felt grounded and had the space to do so.

But once I read it, my brain immediately started scanning for the negative—looking for hidden messages, blame, or manipulation. You might even call it paranoia. So your note about the outside perspective was helpful. It made me pause and ask: what’s actually going on here?

You wrote:

“Why does your brain think it’s a setup or that they will blame you? It’s important to recognize your own patterns and stories.”

You’re right. Looking at the three models I shared, I realized they all orbit around one core belief—one that runs deep in my nervous system:

“If I speak up for myself, I won’t be safe.”

That’s the pattern I’ve carried for decades, especially in relationships where I felt emotionally dependent. Over time, I internalized the belief that my voice causes rupture. And that the only way to restore peace is to abandon myself, admit wrongdoing, or shrink.

So here’s the unintentional model that captures the heart of that pattern—and which I believe plays out underneath the more immediate models I shared last time:

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UM (Core Pattern) C: I’m in a situation that requires me to speak up for myself or set a boundary. T: If I speak up for myself, I won’t be safe. F: Fear A: – Numb out, freeze, dissociate – Preemptively scan for retaliation or punishment – Rehearse self-defense strategies – Withdraw from contact or over-explain – Regret it if I do speak up – Replay past moments of blame and humiliation – Question my right to speak – Prepare for damage control R: I don’t stay with myself after speaking up — I abandon myself to stay safe.

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That’s the piece I’m working with now. I’ve realized that while I do speak up more often these days, the second part—the part where I stay with myself afterward—is still shaky. That’s where the powerlessness comes in. I speak my truth, but then I retreat from it.

So going forward, the work is not just about speaking up. It’s about staying. Owning. Holding. Not negotiating with fear.

I’d like to try an intentional model to support me in preparing for the next step: a phone call with my cousin and her partner.

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IM (First Draft) C: I’m planning a phone call with my cousin and her partner to follow up on my boundary message. T: I spoke up, and now I stand in my truth. F: Committed / Grounded / Agency (trying these on) A: – Decide the format and timing of the call based on what feels safe for me – Respond to their message clearly and calmly, with a proposed time for the call – Remind myself that discomfort doesn’t mean I did something wrong – Resist the urge to justify, fix, or over-explain – Stay anchored in my values and reasons for setting the boundary – Keep my nervous system in view and allow space and pacing R: I stay with myself and honor my truth through the next step of this process.

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Here are my questions: • What emotion might best support me here if “committed” doesn’t quite land? • What else might help me strengthen the A line to stay grounded in the call? • Could you help me refine the R line? I’m not sure if “I stay with myself and honor my truth” captures the real-world result clearly enough. I also sometimes confuse the T and R lines, so I’d love your perspective.

Thank you again for walking with me through this work. It feels like a big re-patterning moment—not just for this conversation, but for my inner system overall.

Best,

Answer:

The GROWTH coming through in your submissions is huge. Question - are you letting yourself have some space to feel safe and secure? A place to retreat where it's safe to be messy and rest and recover from all of these steps you're taking for yourself and with/for your family?

In regard to your question about the F line, what about committed doesn't quite land? When it comes to doing something scary, I often go to embracing courage - to do hard, scary, uncharted things. Courage is not a comfortable feeling. It's like a combination of fear, bravery, hope, and commitment. What happens when you try that on?

What can you do beforehand to help you engage your A line? Is there a script? Some support or scaffolding you can offer yourself? What setting can you create for yourself to both have the conversation in, and land in after you hang up? What training might you need to do beforehand? Where can you cut yourself some slack to be imperfect and messy?

What your R line makes me think of is that you give yourself the support you need and the opportunity to have your own back through an experience that feels big and scary. How does that land? The R lines can be tricky - the hardest part of the model for a lot of people!

June Goal: Don't let urgency steal confidence and fun

I have a very busy month of work! I have many different jobs that require different things from me, they all overlap and I want to show up confidently and proffessionally in all of them.

Rocks: Embrace planning, Ask a coach, listen to old pods on relevant topics, don't discard sleep, exercise and eating well. Use thought work to get out of paralysis and overthinking and into messy imperfect action, being present and having fun.

I will have succeeded if I get to the end of June and I have completed all jobs to a 8/10 pleased with my performance state. That during the month I more often than not am present and not anxious.

Answer:

This sounds like an awesome goal! If you had to choose three of those rocks to prioritize, what would they be? Sometimes constraint, or simplification, helps our brains remember what we are prioritizing to achieve our goals. For example, I see three categories: Planning, Powerful Membership Resources for thought work and support, and Having Fun. What do you see?

Furthermore, what does self-confidence and having fun mean to you? Describe that for us if it feels like it will be helpful when it comes to giving you clarity.

Hi Coaches,

Thanks again for the prompts. I sat with the questions, and after a brief phone interaction with my mother this weekend—which stirred up a lot—I found it surprisingly easy to answer them. That conversation helped me see even more clearly how toxic this dynamic has become for me, and what I truly need: not to keep giving, not to keep performing, but to reclaim myself.

1. If I don’t go, what does it mean? It means I’m listening to my gut and honoring what feels right to me, even if that’s something I’ve never done before with my mother. Not going means I’m no longer giving my energy to people or situations that feel misaligned. It doesn’t mean I’m bad or mean or rebellious—it means I’m showing up for myself in a new way. It’s boundary work. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s aligned.

2. Am I cutting ties entirely? No. I’m taking space to reset how I show up in this relationship. She’s dominated the tone and rules of this dynamic for nearly 40 years—and it hasn’t served me. Now I’m choosing to step back and decide what’s mine to carry. It might look like cutting ties to her, but that’s not my responsibility.

3. Do I have to communicate all this? No. I think she already feels the shift. Right now, actions feel more aligned than explanations.

4. Do I have to stop engaging completely? Not necessarily. I’ll keep feeling into each moment. But one boundary is now clear: I won’t ask her for support anymore.

5. Can this be about what I don’t do, rather than what I explain? Yes. Letting my actions speak—without performing, justifying, or overexplaining—feels more honest and self-honoring.

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While I was reflecting on this, she texted to ask if I was coming to her birthday party and said she needed to know now.

I decided not to overthink it. I used the moment to take massive action and gave the answer I already knew I wanted to give. I replied that we wouldn’t be attending and wished her a good day.

She responded with intensity and pressure, but I chose not to reply. Instead, I grounded myself in what I know to be true.

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Unintentional Model C: My mother replies and says things like: – “I was counting on you.” – “At least come for the aperitif.” – “Your cousins have been wanting to meet you.” – “You already agreed to come.” – “I can’t cancel everything now.” – “This will be the last party I’ll ever host.” T: She’s manipulating and pressuring me. F: Pressured S: Tightness in chest A: Ruminate, brace for confrontation, mentally defend myself R: I lose contact with myself and the clarity of my decision

Intentional Model C: Same as above T: I’m stay in my truth, even though F: Protective S: Grounded in my body A: Breathe deeply, stay anchored, don’t respond, shift attention to something nourishing R: I protect my energy and reinforce trust in myself

(I’m still trying on different thoughts here. “I’m choosing myself and that’s good” or “I stay in my truth, even if it makes her uncomfortable” both resonate. Or: “I stay in my truth, even if it makes me uncomfortable“)

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How do I feel now, after sending the message? Partly relieved and self-honoring. Partly afraid and worried. I can feel my nervous system bracing, almost expecting punishment. My immune system is flaring up (two cold sores), and I can hear the old programming whisper: If you go against your mother, it will not be good.

But I’m gently rewiring that belief now. I’m telling myself: There are no repercussions to this no. I’m safe now. She no longer holds that power.

What shocks me as I go deeper into this work is realizing how much control she’s had over me—not through presence, but through programming. Even with geographical distance, she’s lived in my nervous system. And waking up to that reality has been disorienting and frustrating. I’m not yet feeling as happy and liberated as I hope I will in tge near future.

I’m still worried about how I will act when I see her. But I know I need not to defend or explain my descision. But how do I deal with her pushing for a reaction?

Thanks for holding space as I continue to peel this back.

Warmly,

Answer:

This is incredible. Look at how POWERFUL your answers are to your very own questions. How does it feel to read those back!?

It tracks that you feel worried about how you will act when you see her - what are you worried about when it comes to her pushing for a reaction? What else are you worried about when it comes to how you will act when you see her?

Hello dear coaches,

Today I would love some coaching around a topic that has caused tension for a while in my relationship with my partner. I am struggling with how much to get involved without intruding while supporting my own standards for a responsible partner - I think.

I have managed to have a serious conversation with my partner where I got to tell him about the things that I thought he should take care of health-wise and framing it in a way that showcased the collective value for our relationship long term, aka my desire to grow old alongside a healthy partner that looks after his health. We closed a deal that entails him going to the dentist (done), going for a dental cleaning (done) and going to see a dermatologist (not done yet) before the beginning of summer, June 21st. All this to highlight the progress that has been made.

Yet, we definitely have different views or standards on what basic health management entails and the tough conversations that have stemmed from the deal we made. For this model, I will take one example situation that happens repeatedly and triggers my frustration.

My UM: C. We go into the sun and my partner gets sunburnt because of not taking necessary precautions (does not apply sunscreen at all or does not reapply often enough, or waits too long before applying sunscreen) AND has not gotten checked by a dermatologist in years (if not more than a decade). T. My partner is behaving irresponsibly and taking unnecessary risks. F. Angry A. Snap at partner, make sarcastic remarks at his sunburn, get more distant. R. I do not create connection with my partner and do not incentivise him to take better care of himself.

The thing is, for my IM, I would really really like the circumstance to change to something along the lines of my partner puts sunscreen on or stays in the shade and avoids getting sunburnt. I am stuck at finding a though that feels supportive to me when the circumstance remains the same as in my UM (partner gets sunburnt).

Something else that's come up is a list of reasons/thoughts why I would it so much for him to behave differently: - Taking care of yourself and looking after yourself is sexy. Getting systematically sunburnt as a fair-skinned redhead despite knowing the risk factor leading to skin cancer is not. - Mothering my partner is not cool. - A clean mouth & teeth is sexy, the opposite is not.

Deeper down, I've realised for me the conflict triggers: - my fear of growing old and having a family (in the future) with a sick partner, highlighted by our age gap of 14 years. My partner is now above 40 which also comes with increased probabilities of developing an illness. - different values when it comes to trust (or the lack thereof) in the medical system.

It is vey important to me that my partner takes better care of himself, but I am not sure how to move forward here. Thanks for your precious advice and looking forward to reading your reply. Have a beautiful day.

Answer:

What I'm seeing here is a manual for how someone should behave to make you feel differently about aging together. Sure, it would be AMAZING if our partners did everything we wanted when we wanted them to, and it's likely that they won't do it because they have free will and, clearly, priorities differ between people.

The thing is, we can tell people our expectations until we are blue in the face, and they won't rise to meet them if they don't want to. It's a very human thing to do! You are the only person you have control of. You don't have to compromise your standards for a partner, or for yourself. When you honor what is and isn't in your control, you can show up to your situation differently - enter thought work.

Let's start here: If he did all of the things you want him to do, what do you think would be different in your relationship?

I’d like some coaching on how to expand my belief in what is possible for me in my career and finances. I would really like to get a higher paying job, that is also fulfilling. It doesn’t need to be immediately, but within the next few years. My word for the year is dream, to dream of life I want and practising wanting. But I find myself hitting a wall. I don’t know what/ how because it seems that to get a higher paying job I’d have to be higher up on a career ladder, which requires years of experience in industry. I currently work in a very niche research area and spent years in research. That makes me feel quite stuck because I don’t see options and like I somehow can’t catch up. I have friends who made the jump from research/academia and have fulfilling, high paid jobs. But my brain is offering me very limiting thoughts like ‘yes, but they field/skills are more desirable or employable’. This in turn means that I don’t allow myself to dream big or shrink back my dreams. I’d like to believe it is possible for me and have the trust that I’m on the right path even though I don’t yet know how to get there.

Answer:

Letting yourself dream can be hard when you are more practised in not allowing it to be possible. Tell us more about this higher paying job. When you envision yourself having it, where are you working? Who surrounds you? What are you doing? What is your salary? Where are you living?

Bonus questions: How does this version of you think about her job? What does she feel for the version of her that was dreaming this up years ahead of being in this space?

Bring your responses back, along with what you notice coming up whilst creating them and we'll keep coaching on it! Sometimes, the beginning feels murky - there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's a perfect place to start.

My uplevelling goal for this month has been to exert B- level effort on a particular work task which takes over the month. Its always been intense and exhausting because of the tight turnaround deadline (exam marking). The win is that my effort level on said task has shifted from A+++ to B- so well done me! What I didn't factor in is that the team working on this task with me would bring a C- to D- level attitude/approach to the task i.e. not meeting deadlines and generally being demanding and unappreciative of my efforts to help them. Result: I ended up feeling exhuasted and frustrated anyway which is the result I didn't want. What I wanted was to get the job done on time but with less songs and bells (feedback) than I would usually provide so I could keep the task to no more than 9 hours a day. It turned out not to be just about the hours but also the energy it cost me in holding the boundaries related to getting them to do their work. I have a week left on this task. What can I learn from this about how I can manage tasks more effortlessly when they involve colleagues who I 'manage' especially when (tight) deadlines are involved. The working environment is difficult right now with redundancies etc. and I do want to be and am a supportive colleague/team manager but not at cost to myself which feels like has been the case for a long time. So this is not just about up-levelling but also self-concept shifting from 'I am someone who gets the job done' to 'I am someone who puts her wellbeing first whilst getting things done (effortlessly)'. Any thoughts/tips on getting to that uplevelled selfconcept would be great. Thanks.

Answer:

Congratulations on achieving your goal and isn't it curious what arises when we pursue a goal? Here's to the next phase! Self-management is one thing, self-management in group dynamics is another, and both of those things feed into the group dynamics.

I'm curious about what you think managing tasks more effortlessly when it involves colleagues means to you? If your team was acting exactly in the right way in your mind, what would be different?

Hi Coaches,

Thanks for your response. I’ve been reflecting on the idea of Good, Better, Best Outcome for this like you suggested. A bit of a thought download here

What is my ultimate goal – feel confident and look forward to going out together. Believe that I can handle any result, feel like I’m in control of the situation, that other people’s thoughts have nothing to do with me. Don’t care how people look at me, don’t read into how people respond to me. Stick to the schedule I’ve set for dog walks. Show up for him. Be present with him on walks rather than worrying about what will happen next. Have fun! Reduce my stress levels, see the dog walks as a way to relax.

High bar for success – That I don’t avoid taking the dog out. Use the walks as an opportunity for us to develop our skills in working with the situation, take messy imperfect action, try different things and see what works. Learn together and resolve the reactivity towards other dogs. Take responsibility for my thoughts and emotions and the behaviour of doggo. Feel safe!

Low bar for success – Stick to the walks that I’ve committed myself too. If I tell myself I’m going to take him at 7am and wake up late, that I still go and don't make excuses. If something happens that I've got tools to support my nervous system.

Feeling safe feels big here, not sure whether that should really be my low bar...

Answer:

Love this. The high bar, and the low bar. I'm glad you are bringing up safety wiggling around. What does feeling safe mean to you? We often talk about messy, imperfect action in this community - what would messy and imperfect and safe mean or look like for you?

Hi Coaches,

Thanks for your reflections on my previous posts—especially the invitation to look closer at my models. I did exactly that and ended up breaking things down into three separate unintentional models. What stood out through this process is just how much energy it takes to hold boundaries in the face of guilt—and how easily that energy gets drained by my mother’s continued attempts to reach out.

Right now, I’m honestly feeling stuck.

There’s a newer layer I’m noticing too: I keep catching myself almost reflexively thinking of her as a support figure. Someone recently invited me to an event I’d love to attend, and my first thought was, “I have to ask my mother to babysit.” But I instantly felt this weight—this heavy resistance—and realized: asking her would make me feel like shit.

I’m also aware of how seductive her offers of help can be—especially in this season of single parenting, where I’m desperate for rest. But accepting her help now feels like self-betrayal. That resistance I feel with her isn’t there when I ask others. In fact, asking others has felt surprisingly good—clean, mutual, and safe. So I don’t want to keep using her as a last resort just because she’s available.

So now I’m wondering if it’s time to make two clear decisions: 1. For now, I won’t ask her to babysit—at all. If my son wants to see her, that’s his choice. 2. I won’t attend her birthday party.

And I’m sitting with the question: What is this? Am I cutting ties? Is this resentment, anger, blame? Or am I just finally acting on the boundary I keep saying I want to hold?

You asked what my younger self might need around the birthday party. And honestly, she just needs someone to say: You don’t have to go. You don’t owe her that.

Maybe the most loving thing I can say to my seven-year-old is: Stop trying. She’s never going to love you the way you needed. That’s not your fault. And you don’t have to keep hoping or proving or earning. You can stop.

What I’m circling around here is this question: Do I need to go right into the discomfort—to not attend her birthday—as a way of facing the guilt head-on? Is that the thing that will finally loosen its grip?

Because the truth is, not going feels more honest than going. It feels like an act of self-trust—uncomfortable, yes, but also deeply aligned.

But then the fear creeps in. If I don’t go… what does that mean? Am I cutting ties entirely? Am I ready for that? And yet I can also see that, at this point, she doesn’t have anything left to hold over me. She can’t threaten or manipulate me with anything I still want.

So I’m sitting here, wondering: – Do I have to communicate all this? – Or can I just make a quiet decision to stop engaging—for now? – Can this be about what I choose not to do, rather than what I have to explain?

Would love to hear what you see in all this.

Answer:

I'd like to explore the answers to these questions:

1. If I don't go...what does that mean?

2. Am I cutting ties entirely?

When you let your mind create answers to these questions, what does it come up with? Notice how you feel and why when you reveal these answers to yourself. If you are ready, you can try this with the three questions you end with. Bring it all back to us and we can keep uncovering and discovering with you.

Hi Coaches,

Thank you again for your reflections on my last submission. That question—“How will you honor the work you’ve done?”—really stayed with me. And in a way, I realized I actually did honor it: by not rushing to read their reply, by protecting my energy and nervous system around other big things I had going on, and by choosing to read the message only when I felt grounded enough. That felt like a meaningful act of self-trust and growth. I didn’t spiral. I allowed the emotions that came up, but I didn’t immediately react or try to “fix” them. That’s new for me.

Now that I’ve sat with the message, I’ve done a thought download and created three unintentional models. I’ll paste them below. I stayed very neutral in the C line, while being honest about what was actually said. These three models capture the different fears and emotional flashpoints that came up for me when reading their invitation to have a conversation “to clear up misunderstandings.”

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C: I received a message from my cousin and her partner in response to my boundary message. They suggest we talk in person to “clear things for both sides and avoid misunderstandings.”

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Model 1 T: This is a setup. F: Dread A: – Brace myself mentally for conflict – Imagine worst case scenarios – Replay their message looking for hidden meaning or manipulation – Avoid thinking about possible repair or mutual understanding – Shut down any openness or curiosity – Disconnect from my inner calm and clarity R: I create a setup in my own mind where I can’t feel safe, no matter what.

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Model 2 T: They want to vindicate themselves, and the only way to do that is by stomping all over my truth. F: Powerless A: – Imagine myself being cornered and outnumbered – Feel like I need to defend or protect myself preemptively – Feel small and alone – Anticipate that my experience will be dismissed or reinterpreted – See their message as a performance, not a gesture of connection – Lose trust in my own truth R: I brace for my truth to be erased and disconnect from my sense of agency.

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Model 3 T: They’re going to try to blame me and make me the problem. F: Anger A: – Go into mental defense mode – Rehearse arguments and possible attacks – Replay old wounds of being scapegoated – Feel resistance to further contact – Identify with the role of being “too much” or the one who causes conflict R: I carry the blame preemptively and stay stuck in the story of being the problem.

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Looking at these models helps me recognize that I don’t feel safe entering a face-to-face conversation with both of them. Not yet. I’m not saying the conversation shouldn’t happen eventually—but I get to choose the how and the when. And right now, a phone call feels like the safest first step. I am not emotionally ready to be physically in a room with both of them while navigating such a charged topic.

Honoring myself means not rushing into a situation that feels unsafe or overwhelming, and trusting that my safety matters. I’m doing that by recognizing that an in-person meeting is not something I can do right now, and that a phone call would be a much safer first step. That choice in itself is an act of self-trust and self-respect.

I’d love your help crafting intentional models to begin moving out of these three loops—especially if the intention is to show up to a future call with a clearer sense of self, more calm, and less reactivity.

Some specific questions I’m sitting with: • How do I prepare myself emotionally and mentally for that first call—especially with the goal of protecting myself without preemptively going in on the defensive? • How can I tell the difference between fear that’s protective (i.e. rooted in wisdom) and fear that’s keeping me stuck? • How can I stay open to real dialogue without abandoning my clarity, lived experience, or boundaries?

Warmly,

Answer:

Good work recognizing you're not ready for a face to face conversation. We also celebrate you creating and sending that message. How did it feel to send? What was the experience like waiting for a response? What did you feel when you did get the response? Compare what your brain thought would happen versus what it was actually like. What lessons can you learn from this that will help you go into a conversation?

From an outside perspective, I see people who are very open to figuring this out. Why does your brain think it's a setup or that they will blame you? It important to recognize your own patterns and stories that you are bringing to the conversation. You might not know exactly where the fear is coming from until you move forward. You will get more information as you take action. What would be different if you trusted yourself to handle whatever comes up in this conversation? What if you let it be messy? What emotion do you want to guide you as you figure out how you're going to handle next steps?

I took part in a 1 month business coaching over the last month to get the support I needed to uplevel my business. I’m a skin and wellness therapist. I do facials, gua sha, reflexology, aromatherapy. Business has been going wel but my next step is to create a path for clients with skin problems or those just wanting to take care of their skin holistically as they age.

My self concept upleveling has been to root into trusting myself so I could make more confident and assured choices of what I want my business to become.

The fact I even invested in myself to receive this support is a big win to celebrate.

There has been an uplevel for sure. I managed to make some good decisions and created some paths forward.

But at the same time I feel frustrated with myself. I spent too much of my month toiling in indecision. In some ways that’s part of why I invested in the support, to have another business mind to help me decide how to move my business forward. But I have an underlying niggle that I have not felt confident enough in myself and that is the root of the in decision. That and capacity.

My goal for the season was about moving forward with my business without compromising my health and becoming too depleted. I’ve used this as an anchor to pull me back from going too far. But at the same time the extra CEO thinking work is exhausting. And I feel very tired.

What I know I now need to do is recharge and carry out the nessesary marketing for the decisions made during the business coaching. But the niggle I have is distracting me and putting my attention in other coaching containers or other courses I should do to become the expert.

So overall it’s positive. I’m proud of what I’ve done this season for my business and my growth. But how best to work with this niggle of doubt? In the past I would push it down but at the same time I’d let myself ping from distractions of a shiny new course and working with that thought leader. It all stems from lacking self confidence and avoiding the marketing where I have to be seen.

Acknowledging it and asking for your insights…

Answer:

What if all of this IS moving forward with your business? If you haven't listened to it, check out Maisie's podcast episode that just came out, 229, behind the Scenes of my Business Decisions. She shares how sometimes it's the moments that seem like you're pausing that really get you the result you want. What would be different if you chose to believe that this month of indecision was exactly what you needed? What if you listened to what you need right now without making it mean anything? See what comes up and come back for more coaching.

I had some coaching today on the VIP call around work focuses which I am also applying into other parts of my life. Maisie made the great point about speeding up and this not being a problem as well as what speeding up now means for me. Speeding up is something I am identifying as part of who I am stepping into.

This has brought up some thoughts around dating. I came out of a long term relationship last year.

My current circumstance is exploring what I want next around romantic and sexual partners by working with thoughts and feelings that come up with it.

The thoughts and matching feelings that have come up as a result of this coaching:

T: People won't be able to keep up with me F: Stagnation T: I will leave people behind F: Fear T: The right people will stay with me on the journey F: Release, trust, nervous T: The right people will want to be with me F: Release, trust, nervous T: I will regret not making more time for dating. F: Anxiety, urgency.

One of my close friends even echoed back to me point I few months ago around doing what I want and love and attracting through this which really resonated. I felt I have been able to give myself permission to ‘stop looking’ but practising detachment is something I am currently focusing on noticing still and where I get hung up around fixating on relationships. I have also realised, it is specifically intimacy within a relationship I am looking for after not having it for a long time.

The coaching I would like is around stepping into the confidence of forging my own path and trusting something will come along. I seem to be making it a problem that I am not making time for dating which is where I think some frustration lies, but equally highlights my priority now really is me.

Answer:

What does your brain think putting yourself as a priority means for a romantic relationship? See if you find any all or nothing thinking there. You may also want to explore your beliefs about time. How long does it take to find a partner? How long does it take for them to "come along?" What is a powerful way of telling the story of you and your relationships in this moment?

Hi Coaches,

I have been navigating some really big changes and I'm really happy about the moves I've made. Although it was difficult and pretty messy, I feel I have gained some new fresh energy.

One of the biggest changes comes from the psychedelic assisted therapy that I've been doing with my therapist. Something that has happened, and I'm not really sure how, I've had a shift in my perception of reality! And I couldn't be more happy about it. I feel the dissipation of a lot of old fears. I'm interacting with the world diferently, my thoughts are different, and my feelings. I feel really happy with this new perception, and loving the way it has been healing my brain.

I haven't had the old perception resurface accept for in a heightened moment of stress. I can't quite explain how the world looks to me now but there is a strong difference between the two ways of being. One side seems to be connected to fear, more analytical, and visually the world looks different, as if through a different filter. I've been learning and one connections I made to understand the difference is through the way TCM views the right and left eye. The new way visual perception is much more connected to my left eye (quite literally because I've had some changes with my eye) which is connected to yin energy, it is more creative, animate, connected to our spirit, and I find it absolutely lovely!

Everything feels alive, and in the old perception the world seemed much less animate. Human objects seem so playful and wonderful to me now. And I see humans much more like animals and I even find them cute haha. I love how abundant life feels. Everything seems to be humming with life, and the old way, the more mind based way of relating to reality feels wrong to me and I don't want to live there.

I know it's not just the mushrooms, I've been working for several years to embody this healing I've been working so hard on.

What I want coaching on is, I have some fear about reverting back to a more fear based state and losing connection to what I believe to be true reality. I've been tracking what helps me connect deeper to the new perspective, I guess it's like wiring a new neural pathway. But I have a little bit of fear that something will happen and it will take away the healing I gained, and my new perspective. Which is kind of interesting, because fear can take me out of my body, and it's being in my body that really helps me stay connected.

Maisie was talking about not Dramatizing the Dip in the Who Are You Becoming call, and I thought, maybe I need to prepare a little for when/if I revert back and find a way so that it isn't a big deal. I'd like to think I can never lose what I've discovered, and I sure hope that's true.

I'm a bit worried about what will happen when I leave canada and don't have access to the mushroom therapy. I don't want to lose the healing I've gained. It makes me wonder if I should stay longer so I can continue with the therapy.

Could you help coach me on this?

Answer:

Why do you think your brain wants to imagine a time where you "go back?" It is even possible to go back?Is it possible to lose the healing you've gained? You've already started exploring these questions but we'd suggest you do it with a powerful lens. We don't just wait around to see what happens, we create the life we want. You get to decide what you believe about how this therapy will affect you now and in the future. You get to choose where you live and what your reasons are.

Hi Coaches,

I wanted to share something that came up for me after canceling on my mother a second time as a babysitter and choosing someone else instead. I’ve done this intentionally as part of a broader process of redefining what support means for me and my son—but the guilt that followed has been intense.

It’s like there’s this loud inner voice telling me: “You’re being mean.” “You’re rejecting her.” “You’re punishing her.” “She’s just a sad, lonely person—how could you do this?”

And I notice how quickly that voice pulls me into feeling responsible for her pain—even though I made this decision to support myself and my son, not to hurt her.

The deeper belief I think I’m coming up against is this: “If I choose myself, I’m going against my mother.” And that’s been a hard one to see, let alone dismantle.

Here’s the unintentional model I put together to reflect what’s happening internally:

⸻

C: I canceled on my mother a second time as a babysitter and chose someone else. T: She will feel rejected. F: Guilt S: Heaviness in my chest, restlessness, weight in my shoulders and lower back A: – Feel stuck in the feeling of guilt and become irritable or unavailable when my son approaches – Question whether I did the right thing – Feel a need to undo or soften the boundary – Feel sorry for her – Feel like I am the problem R: I lose connection with why I chose to cancel, disconnect from myself and my son

⸻

I would love your help in finding a thought for an intentional model that honors the result I actually want: To choose what’s right for me and my child without guilt—without feeling like I owe her or that choosing myself is an act of harm.

If there’s a helpful way to build that model (or even just a strong T-line to start from), I’d really appreciate it.

Thanks for holding space for this one.

Answer:

Before an intentional model, let's take another look at what you have here. Your circumstance still has a lot of charged words in it. What feeling comes up when you say " I canceled on my mother?" It may technically be a fact but I sense that this is not factual in your mind. Can you take some time and really get down to the specific facts of what happened?

Then your thought is great, but let's explore. T: She will feel rejected. So, what? Why is that a problem FOR YOU? You've already got some of your answers in your action line and result. Pull some of those thoughts up and give them each their own models. Then follow them through.

For example

C: I texted my mother the words "I don't need you to babysit on x date anymore."

T: I made the wrong choice

F: fear

S:

A: spiraling thoughts, second guess myself, worry about the consequences

R: I don't trust myself

Notice how much energy it takes to do this as well. I was just guessing here, you feel free to make all your own models or change this example. At this point in your journey, you might still feel guilt. That's ok. Maybe the goal isn't to get rid of it. Start with allowing it. Bring the guilt along as you become the parent and grown child you want to be. What do you think?

I'm just getting into having a new routine with a new baby having joined our family 3 weeks ago. My older daughter ( 3) has always had difficulty sleeping, she does sleep through when she's in a bed with me but mainly wakes up twice a night and needs someone with her to go back to sleep. After her new sister arrived she had two weeks where she slept terribly and my husband was with her almost all of most nights resulting in him being exhausted and her shouting for me most of the night. When he went back to work I tried to take over her nights so husband could get some sleep and she went back to waking up once or twice a night and sometimes sleeping through. However with new baby waking up frequently for feeds im feeling pretty strung out/emotional/angry/upset when my three year old is waking me up. I want to be a sturdy parent for her and find ms layering on top of the feelings I'm already having thought that she should be able to sleep and I should be able to handle it when she can't sleep. Im not the parent I want to be right now and I worry that my emotional outbursts will hurt my 3 year old in some way. That she will feel unsteady in her home life which is already going through big changes. I love her so much but I can't help resenting her right now, I don't want to spend a lot of time with her but I think that I have to to make her feel more secure and hopefully that will help her sleep better. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed and although I'm having some nice moments with both daughters I wish I could feel more warmly towards my eldest. I don't know what my question is really, I'm feeling a bit victimy and not very self responsible/ go getty!

Answer:

Congratulations on your new little one. Postpartum is a space where we need lots of support. We also need to have a lot of patience with ourselves as we transition and heal in so many ways. Sleep deprivation is a real thing that affects brains, bodies and nervous systems.

What options do you have right now to support your family? What can you take off your plate or adjust in order to focus on what's most important right now?

It's ok you don't know what to ask right now. If you want more coaching, a few spots that might help are your expectations of yourself, your expectations of your three year old, and loving yourself through a challenging time. We're right here to support, tired, victimy or whatever version of you has questions.

Hi Coaches,

I set a goal this year to apply for a Factor Music grant. I want to apply because even the process of applying will be a huge win for me. There are several requirements to the application and my goal is to start assembling it in June. This feels like a very fresh new goal and I want to bring in an energy of curiosity, playfulness, and lightheartedness into the process. I would love to win but I don't want to get there by striving. It is more important to me that I enjoy the process.

I'm wondering what questions you might have for me to reflect on that may benefit me at this early stage of the journey.

I really want to utilize ask a coach to assist me with this goal!

Look forward to hearing your reflections!

Answer:

What a cool goal. Let's go!

Some questions to thought download in order to dig up any mental obstacles: Why do you think your brain is already setting this up to need striving? Why is striving bad? What are your beliefs around the process? What are your beliefs around your ability to receive the grant?

What is the first step you need to take? How long will it take you? (what does your brain think unintentionally and intentionally about this?) When do you want to complete it? Keep making micro goals and taking action. Getting started will bring upi more fun things to coach on.

Hi Coaches,

Please see my responses to your questions below:

Where are you now with this?

I realized I was really angry and tired when I wrote my last response. I am really tired of being exposed to sexism in canada, and... I want to take care of myself. I don't need to run or flee. I am prioritizing my wellbeing and I did speak out about what happened. And I am choosing differently. I haven't committed to staying here and it takes time to leave. I want to give myself grace to make this transition at a pace that feels loving and supportive. I don't want to rush this.

Is there any reason that is it not the right time to leave? Yes. My capacity feels somewhat limited lately because of the trauma work I've been doing.

In what ways is this the right time for you to leave? I'm not sure exactly when the right time will be. I have organized a rental for another month here for June, but as summer arrives and the market for short-term rentals gets busy, I'm not going to hustle to stay here. I want to give myself time to plan the next steps without having to rush but a part of me also doesn't want to be here all summer.

What, if anything, is keeping you from making, or starting to make the change? Well, I love the idea of moving to Norway but the visa process here requires an intermediary agency to apply called VFS and they have really horrible reviews. I've decided I don't want to work with them for the visa so I haven't pursued a Norway visa. However, I've applied for a Denmark visa before and I really enjoyed the process. I like that I can apply while I'm in the country and apply to the embassy directly.

Fear. I think fear. I'm afraid I'm not going to find a rental abroad or my visa won't come through. I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed with the planning and it will take away from my other goals. I'm nervous I won't have what I need where I'm going. I'm worried I'll run out of money and won't have anyone to fall back on. I'm worried I won't find a furnished rental with a comfy bed. I'm worried I won't like where I go. I'm worried I'm going to miss the access to nature here. I'm worried that I'm going to lose contact with the person I am here. I'm worried it will be so much change that it will trigger me and I'll revert back to coping.

If you could envision what this transition could be like for you, where do your dreams take you?

I like the idea of a slow transition. Like giving myself 2 months to move. I like the idea of looking for a rental and not compromising, looking around until I find somewhere I'm excited to stay. I like the idea of being flexible and taking care of myself along the way. I want to do more visioning around this and see what else is there, because I haven't felt very inspired lately about going. I like the idea of doing some research, maybe looking beyond the city. Looking at photos and seeing where calls to me. I like the idea of doing a vision board! I like the idea of moving end of July or early august! Catching some summer and being there for the fall. The more I think about it the more I feel like this is right and I feel more excited. I'd like to plan it in such a way that I take care of myself along the way so I'm not becoming overwhelmed or leaving myself stranded without a plan in place.

Answer:

It sounds like you're right where you need to be. You have a vision. You know what you want. Start taking action. Focus on what you can control. Focus on what you can do. There will be a lot of unknowns, until you figure them out. What do you think would be most helpful when your brain starts dwelling on the "what ifs" and worries? How can you support your nervous system when it is naturally fearful of not having safe shelter or other basic needs?

What thoughts and feelings will help you during this transition?

Hi Coaches,

I answered your prompt below 🙂 What comes to mind when you answer your own questions:

What if I gave myself the time I need to be with this without judging myself or analyzing my behaviour, without thinking that I’m procrastinating?

I'd probably pick everything up again and begin again. The only reason I wouldn't is if I gave into some false belief about my productivity. But here's the thing I'm learning, I get to create my own version of productivity that is going to bring me to my success in a way that I choose. I know it won't always be easy work but showing up to my work thinking that there's something wrong with me that I need to change, contort, or push vs showing up and believing that I am amazing, powerful, capable and able to learn anything! That is exciting. There is no where I need to be in my journey except exactly where I'm at.

It brings up urgency. I have these thoughts in my head, it's too late, or you'll never be able to make this happen, something difficult will come up and you'll have to drop everything again. I don't like this energy. I don't want to create anything from a place of scarcity and urgency.

What if I trusted that when my cup is refilled I’ll be able to return to my goals with motivation?

Haha! It was like last week that I was wading through this energy. It felt like, as soon as I started to give-in and trust that I wouldn't always be in this place and that I would want to create again, a wellspring of energy started to come online again! I started small, with cups of tea and books, to picking flowers, to now; returning to my goals and beginning again, with new vigour and perspective. I want to include me, the version of me that has been through so much, she get's to be a part of this work and I'm not going to mistreat myself in pursuit of a goal. My new goal is to pursue My goals, My way! It can be enjoyable, it can be at my pace, it can be a success at any stage, and it can be what I deem worthy of celebration!

I added this question from my last response because, why not! : And what is a life that I deem valuable and worthy of pursuing?

A life that is my own to live and create A life that brings me delight and joy A life that inspires me A life of pursuing my dreams A life that does not conform to what I've been told life can be A life that is unique A life that includes my desires and honours my past pain A life where every part of me is welcome

Answer:

Celebrating this exploration with you! We love the thought "I get to create my own version of productivity." Keep following this and see what you come up with. Remember that it's not about getting to some perfect place in the future, it's taking little steps every day.

When you notice the urgency and scarcity, what would be the most loving thing you can do for yourself? What if it's ok that you have different energies? How can you harness urgency to your benefit? There are no "bad" feelings. Just sensations in our body. Bring back any questions or models you create as you continue towards your goal.

Hi Coaches,

Over the weekend, I finally sent the message to my cousin and her partner to clearly express a parenting boundary regarding physical closeness with my son. After sending it, I felt an enormous emotional release – followed quickly by a wave of shame, guilt, and doubt. Old thoughts and feelings flared up hard.

But something shifted too. Amidst the spiral, a new thought popped in: "I'm taking too much responsibility." And I realized – yes, I am. That realization brought me back to myself and helped me let go.

I'd love to share the two models I did around this. Mainly, I just want to reflect and document this shift – but if you see something important to notice, or anything I might want to watch out for, I'm open.

UM

C: I sent the message to my cousin and her partner, expressing my boundaries around parenting and physical closeness. T: I've said too much. F: Shame S: An immense weight o my shoulders and body, lower back pain A: - Spiral into self-criticism and doubt - Read the already delivered message, looking for flaws - Imagine them judging or rejecting me - Recall other situations where I "overshared" - Disconnect from my reasons for sending the message - Physically tense up R: I disconnect from my own truth and take on responsibility for how other feel or react.

IM

C: Same T: The point of my message is to communicate my truth even if its imperfect, not to manage their feelings. F: Centered S: Returning to self A: - Breathe and release the need to fix - let the message go for now - Not replay the message or ruminate on how I could have written it differently - Trust that I'll handle whatever response comes, in my own time - Set a boundary around how I will receive and read their response (a time and space of my choosing) - Focus on what is coming up next in my life, not give this any more of my time and space for now R: I return to my center and stand by my truth without over-responsibility.

To answer your earlier question ("what is indicative of this being the right message to send?"): I believe it was the right message because I clearly named the boundary, that was crossed, explained why it matters, and articulated both my values and what I want from them in the future. Before sending, I made a few small changes – removing a couple of sentences where I could still sense my own judgment or frustration coming through. I rewrote them to stay anchored in my own feelings, values, and intentions, which helped me feel more grounded and clear. Looking back, the only thing that maybe could have been “better” is for it to be less long-winded. But honestly—whatever. It doesn’t need to be perfect. I’m glad it’s done.

Thank you again for walking with me through this process.

Warmly,

Answer:

We are celebrating you so so much from our corners of the globe. You're right - it doesn't need to be perfect, and it's done. How will you honor the work you've done to not only send the letter, but also care for yourself through the responses that you had in the aftermath - both unintentional and purposeful? This is a massive step. How can you love and thank yourself?

Thanks. I wrote down all the thoughts that shame is telling me and reading them back I can see how afraid that part of me is. Like I’m trying to shame myself into staying small to keep myself safe.

So the conclusion I’ve come to is experiencing failure is good. This shows I am pushing myself but over identifying with being a failure/operating from this place is not good.

I want to think of myself instead as being in my growth zone/pushing the realm of what I think is possible for myself.

So now I'm trying to think of what my next steps are...I'm thinking to continue to put my work out there but maybe finding different ways I can do this. Rather than just submitting to competitions which feels a bit like waiting around for permission maybe making more opportunities for myself in other ways?

Answer:

Yes! The zone of growth sounds like a perfect description of where you are. Such good awareness.

Let's explore what being in the zone of growth means to you - seeing failure as a good thing, and a chance to try something different are two things you've mentioned here. What can you expect to feel? What does being in a zone of growth give you liberty to try? How can you come back to your safe zone when you need to reset or exquisitely care for yourself?