C – My friend suggested I spend an unpaid day off work with her and her three kids. I explained due to the tube strike it would be difficult for me to meet her to which she responded she would come over to a location close to me. T – She is bringing her kids …
Hello and thank you so much for your answer. I think you were right in pointing out that I’ve been carrying a burden for the past few months. Thinking something like “it’s unfair that I have to deal with this” hasn’t really helped me. Though I stand by my decisions during the past few months …
I received an email yesterday that I was not selected for an interview for a new job that I applied for back in January. I’m allowing myself to feel disappointment, and in my TDL this morning, I could see that I don’t really want a new job, per se. I just want to leave my …
Holding onto a vision of what I thought my life would be like Read More »
Hi Ask a Coach, Could you provide some feedback on some models I’ve done around being in groups of people? Unintentional C: In a group of people, T: I need to make conversation, F: Paralysed/inhibited, A: Don’t ask people questions, A: Rely on others to drive conversation. A: If partner is present stick to him …
I’ve noticed a lot of anxiety coming up around possibly letting a friend down. It’s been a habit thought of mine that I ‘don’t know how to do friendships’ and I’d like to overcome it, as I know I can’t control my friends’ feelings, but at the same time I want to be a better …
Hi, I would love coaching on the following situation: My husband and I moved to the United States 2 years ago, he is a postdoc and I tried to continue my medical training here which didn´t work out due to several reasons (got coaching on this before). We are now looking into our next options …
Hi, seven years ago, my husband started on a journey to create our own start-up. I joined him in 2018 full time (-ish, as I had to freelance to make a living). We have launched in the mass-market twice, so on paper, we are successful and others envy us. We have a way to go …
Thank you for your last answer. It has helped to think that his actions have nothing to do with me and that he is being himself and showing up in the world in a way that is congruent with his perception of reality. IT is slightly harder for me to be deliberate about what I …
Thanks so much for the coaching! It is really helpful to see an outside perspective that can dissect my C, F and A lines for me. I have done a thought download on ‘Evening activities’ right after I received the coaching and one just now, about two weeks later. When I compare the two thought …
This is probably going to need to be a series because there’s a lot to unpack in this one… I hired someone into my team three years ago and have had a lot of challenges with them ever since – they have difficulty meeting deadlines, trouble prioritizing, work needs a lot of revisions when it’s …
I work in a primary school where the children can work individually, which involves much more spontaneity and individual support/help. Today school started again after the holidays. At noon when we’ve eaten all together I’ve got really emotional and asked, if it’s okey, that I take a bit of time for myself and have eaten …
Hello, I had a very lovely day in nature today and, whilst I was feeling so content and happy, I decided to agree to meet my parents, my brother and his girlfriend for dinner next Saturday. However, as soon as my dad texted me the location, I felt my energy shifting. I’ve felt excluded and …
I work in a secondary school where the vast majority of staff are in the 20s and many of which still in their early 20s have taken on middle leadership positions. I have made the conscious decision not to – though I had been offered such a position. I have noticed this group of staff …
what do you think it means about you if you think that your husband is unkind? – this is hard as I think it means I am an idiot and have no boundaries and am being taken for a ride. I think I am a poor role model for my children and I am weak. …
Thank you for the reply to the first question. I had no idea how black and white my thinking was until it was plainly written and how obvious! It was apparent I was leaving no space in the friendship for change (for better or worse) which limited me to two choices. Steps have been taken …
Hi lovely coaches! I am coming at you today with something that has been floating in my brain for the past couple of weeks. A friend and colleague of mine has had an accident a year ago, which was very physically and emotionally traumatic. It resulted in lots of health issue and a serious brain …
I have an ongoing problem that’s been there for a really long time in my relationship with my partner. The essence of it is that he struggles with verbal communication, and I struggle with intimate pleasure. I need to feel very safe to engage in intimacy and I get easily activated, so sometimes I don’t …
Problems with my partner that come up over and over Read More »
I have tried to be explicit setting a boundary with my sister asking her not to ask me to lend her money. She asked me can she put money on my credit card for the space of 6 days. I think this is the part the makes it feel harder to say no, because it’s …
Hello, I’ve recently joined the flow collective and have not yet been in touch with a coach. I wondered if you could help me with some sticky situations I seem to find myself in with my son. He’s a strong willed beautiful boy and I (try to…) consciously/natural/attachment parent him (I’m also a solo parent). …
This is a continuation from a post I made about my reflections on the working less lesson: that if we all only do what we want to do, that wouldn’t be good for community, for support to occur, as we don’t always want to help or support, but we see that its necessary. I have …
Would support still exist if we all only did exactly what we want to do? Read More »
I hate to be a woman since im kid especially since my first period. Im angry to be a woman and jealous at men on how easy life seems to be for them. I have the impression i have served them all my life not taking care of my own needs, being victim of emotional …
Rumination and negative self talk destroying relationships Read More »
Hi AAC, This is something that has been whizzing around my brain for months but am yet to take any action. I thought I was more or less certain in the direction I was waiting for the ‘right time’, however the relationship coachings have shifted this. This friend I have known for 8 years and …
I was recently asked by an acquaintance in a group if I would like to have a phone call with them to get to know each other better. Instead of telling the truth, that I don’t really have space in my life right now for a new friendship, I said that I would love to …
For the past 6 weeks or so, I have felt quite overwhelmed by the Flow Collective and the process of thought work. I have felt that my capacity is limited, and what time I have to dedicate to my wellbeing needs to be spent doing things that calm and nourish me, like walking or meditating. …
Hi there, I find myself in this situation and I did some thought work and I manage to regulate how I feel about it but I need some coaching on some parts. I have many projects running simultaneously at work, and everything that comes to me is either very important or has a ticking deadline. …
Hey again 🙂 Thank you for your support – what an uplifting and insightful reply that was. I’ll follow in line with the three questions I asked in Part 2. There is no question here, just to respond to your points with my thoughts and to clear the space before I come back in Part …
Limbo Period in Relationship after 1y No Contact lifts – Part 3 Read More »
Thank you very much for your words, they were very helpful. I thought about this for a long time. To expect compassion in such a situation would have been too much for me. I clearly had a strong nervous reaction. One of my goals this year is to make my nervous system a top priority. …
Customer or Friend? Or: Turning from Defensiveness to Compassion (Pt. 2) Read More »
Hello Flow Coach, Thank you for your response and support. It is an ongoing issue, so I’ve created a ‘part 2’ to reply to your guidance. I used your guiding questions and it helped a lot. I’ll summarise my answers here and tell you what my action was. I also have a follow up question. …
Limbo Period in Relationship after 1y No Contact lifts – Part 2 Read More »
I’m recovering from a burnout from work . There are many reasons for the burnout , the work environment , my people pleasing tendencies, challenging projects, and tricky individuals and tricky projects. Im much stronger now , and slowly working towards going back to work . However there are certain individuals who were part of …
I am working on some models around my job and the relationship to my boss. Unintentional Model C: I work for my boss T: She wants to keep me small F: Hurt A: I withdraw so that she can’t hurt me, I stay small so that she wont really see me, I am very focused …
Thankyou for your previous guidance. I’ve been working on regulating my emotions and I’ve realised i’m struggling with accepting what is – I’ve realised ultimately I am still wishing it hadn’t happened. He was wrong to do it. She was wrong to behave the way she did. Everything I did was wrong. It wasn’t supposed …
Hello lovely team. When reading my previous submission I’ve realised how much I’ve achieved. I don’t have doubts about whether what I want and what I do is valid. I’ve started a course to have the basis of what will be my new career. I’m loving it despite it taking a lot of my time. …
Wow, well the coaching felt very eye-opening when you asked which part of me I am believing is real – the part with stage fright or the part that is delivering the class. It really got me thinking about what ‘real’ actually is. Objectively the more ‘real’ me is the one teaching. After all that’s …
I am struggling BIG TIME with anger & my behaviour has become dangerous. I am quite certain I have PMDD. Today I attacked my partner in a public place. I ran at him & scratched his face & he pinned me down on the ground. This is connected with me repeatedly communicating to him what …
Since I joined The Flow Collective and set my goals and word for the year, I’ve been on such a high. Full of energy, ready to do the work necessary to reach my goals, and willing to invest money in myself for the first time in a long while. For many years I struggled to …
My brother’s social media and algorithm has shifted his world view. (Andrew Tate has come up far too many times) He is on a drive to make millions as quick as he can, disregarding everything in his way… including family. He has also started expressing misogynistic views but refuses to see them that way. I …
Thank you for your feedback, so helpful and thought provoking. I sat with the question ‘How could I feel better in my relationship with my colleague?’ with a curious intent and things did dissolve, particularly when I allowed myself to write things which could be perceived as ‘wrong’ (by me, haha). I noticed the judgment …
The first thing that struck me was a sense of disbelief when I read ‘you do get to set the expectations and consequences for the people you supervise’. The thought is ‘I am pretending at this role’. Sneaky and not very helpful. Perhaps not helped by the fact I have decided I don’t want to …
I have a very vulnerable grandmother and I am her closest relative geographically. She is hard work and not your normal cuddly grandma – she has had Schizophrenia and nervous breakdowns through her life and it’s never been treated. My family have hidden her mental health as back then, it was a shameful problem. I …
Feeling guilt tripped by family + boundary setting Read More »
I am having difficulties with a member of my team. She is a supervisor in one of the departments in the business I run with my sister, I am her manager. I have talked to our HR advisor as we haven’t managed to have an in person or email communication in the past month that …
I have a difficult relationship with my mother. The extent of it became more clear after my dad passed away 5 years ago, as she now openly demands a lot more support from me now than before. One of her big things is, that she is afraid that she might hurt herself and that nobody …
Hello Coaches, Thank you for your guidance. I reflected a while on your advice on PT 2 to view this situation as a chance to learn something and as a “challenge” I have been send to earth to experience or to master. I did make my peace with my family being the way it is …
My partner whenever something bad happens to her has a tendency to say they’re unlucky. Doing work in this collective I feel like I can see there is thought work to be done here for her but I’m also wondering about my tendency to want to advise or help people fix their unhappiness. Is it …
Hello 🙂 This post is about my relationship with my father and the limbo period we find ourselves in. There are big issues in my relationship with my father. They are issues I have (and therefore, in my model, that WE have). But my father denies they exist, and/or belittles them or blames me for …
Limbo Period in Relationship after 1y No Contact lifts Read More »
I recently broke up with my boyfriend after almost 2 years of dating, and living together for almost one. It was his idea as he felt I lacked independence. I waver (ALOT!) but do think this is the right decision long term, I think I was so ‘him-centered’ I lost a lot of my own …
My brother has struggled with over eating and secret eating since a teenager. I believe he found comfort in this when my Dad would be abusive towards him and say horrible things to insult him. He also felt abandoned by my Mum when my parents finally divorced and she met someone new. Fast forward 15 …
Difficult conversation; addiction with a family member Read More »
C: Mum talks about grandchildren T: She will take over as soon as I am pregnant F: Suffocating/panic A: retreat from her/reduce contact, delay having children though I actually want to and so now I am trying for a baby I don’t tell her, try and research everything so I know enough that her ‘advice’ …
I have an ongoing dynamic with a work colleague which I’m interested in exploring further. I work with Special Needs children on a school farm. I am a teacher and over the last few years have done more and more on the farm. 2 years ago I took on the lead role. My colleague is …
I’ve benefitted tremendously from self coaching and thought work in the past, but when it comes to relationships I feel like it has kept me in unhealthy relationships past their expiration date. Being able to analyze my part in a particular situation has led to me eroding my boundaries (because I can’t expect others to …
I am planning a wedding, which is both exciting and bringing up a lot of stuff. One thing in particular is that I have an old friend, and we haven’t spoken for a while due to a mutual close friends death, and the aftershock and behaviour afterwards. I don’t know wether I want to invite …
Hello lovely coaches, Happy new year! Straight to the topic: I worked very hard from mid november until christmas. Through the years, I think I got my system used to stand relatively short high intensity stretches of work, and I suspect my body learnt how to not really give signs of tiredness (or maybe I …
I’ve been on sick leave for a few months due to burnout in my research job/PhD. I’ve been working 8 hrs per week on admin tasks for about 8 weeks now, which is going well. I will slowly build work back up with 2 extra work hours every 2 weeks (advice from company doctor), and …
Moving/Renovating & Returning to Work After Burnout Recovery Read More »
My husband works full time, runs his own business on the side, is doing a masters and volunteers regularly each week with the air cadets. He also fits in golf and bootcamp where he can. My issue is that I feel I’ve taken a very negative view of all this. For me, this is too …
Hello and thank you for your reply. I’ve listened to the podcast episode you recommended and a lot resonated with me. With regard to my plans for New Year’s Eve, I’ve literally just now decided to spend the evening with my parents and then maybe go over to my friend’s place after dinner. I couldn’t …
It has recently become apparent that my sibling has fallen back into a drug problem. I feel the need to set some boundaries, especially regarding my children. Although we talk about recreational drug use with each other, I am pretty sure that they has moved onto harder drugs. They did mention this to me some …
Hi coaches. I’m back with the same issue about my boyfriend masturbating in secret in the bathroom when I’m in the house. We’ve talked about it and that helped. This is some self coaching I’ve done. What’s the proof that this doesn’t mean anything about me or him and our love or sex life? Since …
I am becoming a self-employed tattoo artist. The result I want is financial independence, particularly from my sexual abuse denying parents. Longer-term from social welfare, and (yes I do dare to say it) even financial freedom, comfort and wealth. Whilst still working to dismantle white-colonial, patriarchal Capitalism. I recently wrote a list subconscious beliefs I’ve …
To set the scene: I had a big breakthrough this Christmas when setting a boundary of how I wanted to do things. I decided and communicated in advance that we will only spend Christmas Eve at my families home and skip going there for lunch the day after. Even if I felt great having this …
I’ve done a lot of work in therapy on my relationship with my Dad. When I was young, he was such a brilliant, fun loving father, but he did work away from home a lot when my sister and I were small so I think either missed or does not remember what it is like …
I’m trying to work out how to plan my time over the Christmas period with my partner and family. The context of this is that I have been reflecting on my relationship with my Mum, as I often fall into people pleasing and I would like to practice setting some boundaries. Organising any event with …
Planning for Christmas with my partner and family Read More »
What do you think would be the most helpful emotion to you during the 24 hours with your family over Christmas whether you rent an AirBNB or not? feeling safe and accepted, feeling connected with them. Why? Because I could be calm and not get into a tantrum. What thoughts help create that feeling for …
Visiting Family and Staying at my Sisters home 2 Read More »
I have a dog, and my brother has recently got a kitten and we’re having some trouble with arrangements over Christmas. He lives in Bristol and has said our parents and my partner and I are welcome to come and stay between 27th and 30th Dec. I live in Brighton so be travelling a few …
Alright, this will be a messy post instead of me spending hours to structure and censure myself: I am planning to spend Christmas Evening at my sisters, who lives to far away for me and my partner to travel back. I have not seen her, her partner and my lovely nephew since Easter. It was …
Hello, some old school friends asked me if I wanted to do something with them on New Year’s Eve. I immediately agreed thinking that we would go to a party as we had done in previous years. However, it turns out they want to spend a cozy evening at home and chose the house of …
I have been with my partner for 3 years and we own a house together. We have a good connection in many ways – we share some interests, we both love to have fun and be playful together, and we are quite open with our feelings and experiences. However, I have always had regular periods …
Thanks you. I’ve considered and made notes on all the things you raised, and sharing some of this here for further coaching – I put the thought into a model C: Considering the thought that “I provoke bad reactions in people” T: I don’t seem to be able to state my needs without pissing others …
Well, its not exactly what happened. As soon as she left, and i took some time to compose myself I could focus on work, be efficient using MY METHOD, and be content executing the task requested. I think what is mainly triggering me is the fact that i feel that she is talking AT me, …
Hi! I already submitted a question concerning this topic (“Relationship, Boundaries And …” – forgot to add a last word :-)) In the meantime some things happened. My father died, and one month after his death, for the first time again, we had a situation where my partner crossed my boundaries and blamed me for …
Dealing with Borderline Behaviour from my Partner Read More »
I am visiting my family in South America after more than a year, and this time with my partner. It is his first time, and we are leaving at my parent’s place, which is a decision about which I had negative thoughts when back in Germany, where I live. Now that I am here, I …
I have been dealing with an issue for many years at work. I work in an open office environment with hundreds of people in an open space. Most days I can handle it ok, but there are times when I am very busy with my job and/or it is towards the end of my cycle …
Hi coaches! I would like to have a consistent morning routine. I think that it would serve me well. Right now, I wake up most days with a vague (and long) list of things I’d like to do every morning. Inevitably, I sleep in later than I planned, I drop the “nice to have” items …
Thanks again for your feedback, and I went back and relistened to the whole 3 part series of responsibility on the podcast. I have been thinking about this, and whilst I do find the metaphor helpful, I still feel a bit stuck on this. I don’t actually feel like I’ve been ‘dragging my friend over …
This week at work has left me in a state of complete exhaustion and I am asking myself why. If I could describe it using the spoons analogy, I am in minus spoons right now. I could feel myself being close to running out of spoons early in the week, but things are so demanding …
It’s day one of my cycle and I’ve woken up full of rage. It doesn’t feel like a thought is driving the anger, it’s just THERE, in my chest, massive and the colour of a bruise, throbbing. No reason why. Every month I need to take days just to regulate myself and then feel guilty …
Hello, I would love some help with regard to a relationship with a co-worker. I experience the relationship as very difficult and ineffective. We work in academia. I’m responsible for a project where we collect data. My co-worker (who is much older than me) is part of that project and wants to use the data …
Hello, I think I’ve just had a breakthrough with a model concerning the collaboration with some colleagues and I would love some feedback. A few weeks ago, I submitted a question about how to deal with family members when then say something I disagree with. A coach suggested that I put “unconditional love” in the …
Hello Amazing Coaches! I live in the U.S., and next week is Thanksgiving. I usually spend this holiday with family that I love and adore who feel very safe and loving to me. I just found out that this year some of our other relatives will also be attending. These particular relatives are very challenging …
I’m writing to share some (well-timed) evidence that I can handle public transit. The coach’s response to my ATC question encouraged me to trust that I can handle situations on transit by leaning into my lower brain’s survival instinct. Today on my commute home, someone jumped onto the subway tracks as the train entered the …
As advised, I’ve asked myself the following questions: What do you think having desire means for you and your relationship? Feeling desire for me means that when I think about or see my partner, there is an impulse to be closer and to experience their presence through my body. There is also an anticipation, imagining …
I’d like some coaching on quitting, A voice is telling me to stop. This is partly from burnout, and partly because of my values: I want to embody permission to stop. I have no shadow of a doubt when working with my clients, friends and family that their worth is supremely untethered to what they …
I am feeling a lot of overwhelm and “too much” these weeks when it comes to my time and how I spend it. For context: I’m in TFC since this season – about a month now. I study (which feels like a full-time job), my exams are in one month and to attend lectures & …
My time vs. all the things I want to do in that time Read More »
Thank you for your answer. I listened to the podcast episode where Maisie explains the difference between “nice” and “kind” and came up with the following model: C: my brother said something I disagree with T: I can lovingly and calmly express my opinion F: unconditional love (for myself and others) A: I express my …
Feeling Neutral About What Family Members Say Pt. III Read More »
Hi! I would like to get coaching on a problem that’s been haunting my relationship with my partner for a long time. And specifically, because I don’t know what I truly want or need in this situation. The first piece of background I want to give you is that I experienced sexual assault when I …
Sexual desire, fear and knowing when you are honouring your needs Read More »
Hello, it’s my grandpa’s birthday next Sunday. He’s turning 91 und wants to celebrate with all family members (we’re quite a big family). I’ve never felt comfortable at family gatherings. I find the dynamics quite difficult and overwhelming and have often simply endured them (by dissociating as I’ve realized now – as a child I …
Hello lovely coaches, I’d love some help on my autumn goal. This is what I posted in the FB community: Goal: To befriend myself Rocks: 1 Respect myself -> keep my boundaries 2 Trust in myself -> don’t ask for opinions before making decisions 3 Getting to know myself -> learning to enjoy my own …
C/W – sexual assault I met the wife of a friend several months ago. We hit it off and had a lot in common. To cut a long story short, this individual, A, sexually assaulted and harassed me and engaged her wife, B, in the continued harassment. The harrassment is better than it was but …
My parents have an anniversary dinner that I said no to as it was asked last minute and clashed with an art course I love attending each week. It was easy to say no as my husband was also away on a conference so neither of us could go. My husband has now cancelled his …
This feels like a big and thorny one, but I’d like to get started on managing my thoughts about my mum and sister planning to move closer to me. They both have severe and long term disabilities that affect their ability to do much with their lives. There is a lot of painful history here …
Hello dear coach, Writing to you helped a lot to reframe my thinking around how I want to interact with my mother. I have not done the models you presented but kept in mind that I love her while thinking about my next steps. I acknowledged that it was indeed a challenging situation to live …
[follow-up 2] Changing The Relationship Dynamics With My Mother Read More »
I used to be a very lonely and socially anxious child and teenager, but now, at 35, I feel like I managed to gather a lot of friends and meaningful connections from all walks of life. I prioritize these relationships as I prioritize my romantic one, but I see that they take away a lot …
I am new to TFC and haven’t yet watched the teaching on models as I have been watching/listening to the autumn workshop. In the mean time, I am struggling to decide what to do about Christmas and my mum and my partner’s family are asking us to let them know plans soon. My partner and …
I’ve been seeing someone for the last couple of months, most of the time we didn’t really have anything because I feel that I don’t want to be in anything that’s romantic with him. That being said, in both of our lives we’ve had some recent losses of family members and I feel like he …
Thanks for the coaching on my previous submission, but I don’t think I can have explained myself very well. At the moment I only feel activated by the neighbours and the situation – I would love to feel neutral, and it has been interesting to think what that might mean for me: a balance that …
Thank you dear coaches for the offering your brains and support on my submission. It’s quite interesting to notice that I wrote it during my Inner Spring (which tends to be quite a vulnerable and anxious time in my cycle). Right now, in my Inner Autumn, sick at home and after a long week, I …
My question has to do with an issue between my husband and I, and I need to go far afield for some context: My husband used to smoke cannabis a lot back when our relationship started 4-5 years ago (he is from California and was living there at the time). I don’t enjoy smoking it …
At work and in my private life I tend to take on too much responsibility and feel like if I don’t do this, nothing will happen. In my private life I at times tested out to not do a task and see what happens: I tend to just be burdened with it later on. Not …
Over responsibility – at work and in private place Read More »
I am in a circumstance, where I am living in a foreign country with my husband, and we are waiting for his green card to be approved. I am really unhappy in this country, and don’t connect with the people. I have been here on and off for five years, and have made connections, but …
Hello dear coach, Initial warning: this message has many layers to it 🙂 I have been living out of my family home since I went to college at the age of 18 (I’m 30 years old now) and I am living in Europe for the last 8 years. I outgrown the culture I was raised …
Changing the relationship dynamics with my mother Read More »
3 years ago I made a spontaneous decision to buy a sailing boat. It gave me a home and a challenge for 8 months before I took it out of the water and pulled everything out of it in order to do a restoration. I had not bought a boat in order to restore it, …
Having something to finish, but not enjoying the process Read More »