C – My friend suggested I spend an unpaid day off work with her and her three kids. I explained due to the tube strike it would be difficult for me to meet her to which she responded she would come over to a location close to me. T – She is bringing her kids …
Hello and thank you so much for your answer. I think you were right in pointing out that I’ve been carrying a burden for the past few months. Thinking something like “it’s unfair that I have to deal with this” hasn’t really helped me. Though I stand by my decisions during the past few months …
I received an email yesterday that I was not selected for an interview for a new job that I applied for back in January. I’m allowing myself to feel disappointment, and in my TDL this morning, I could see that I don’t really want a new job, per se. I just want to leave my …
Holding onto a vision of what I thought my life would be like Read More »
Thanks for the useful pointers! The threat I fear is humiliation. The likelihood of this happening at my work is minimal. If someone is disappointed with me, that is their business, not mine. I know I am great at my job and widely appreciated by my colleagues. Even if I am publicly humiliated, I know …
Hi Ask a Coach, Could you provide some feedback on some models I’ve done around being in groups of people? Unintentional C: In a group of people, T: I need to make conversation, F: Paralysed/inhibited, A: Don’t ask people questions, A: Rely on others to drive conversation. A: If partner is present stick to him …
I’m noticing a recurrent situation where I have a fast nervous system response and I would like to be able to respond differently. It typically happens at work when I am challenged in a group setting by a question or statement relating to work I have done, usually by the same guy – my boss …
I’ve noticed a lot of anxiety coming up around possibly letting a friend down. It’s been a habit thought of mine that I ‘don’t know how to do friendships’ and I’d like to overcome it, as I know I can’t control my friends’ feelings, but at the same time I want to be a better …
okay. I know that this doesn’t have to be a complicated, drawn out shift for me. I feel confident with coaching and self-coaching that I can learn and grow and get to a healthier place with feelings, managing emotions, and making space for me. this is encouraging. I am definitely uncomfortable with my own feelings …
thinking that feelings don’t really matter pt. 2 Read More »
Hi, I would love coaching on the following situation: My husband and I moved to the United States 2 years ago, he is a postdoc and I tried to continue my medical training here which didn´t work out due to several reasons (got coaching on this before). We are now looking into our next options …
Hello I’d love some coaching on this one. Reecently, while sorting out my folder of flow collective and other personal development stuff I came across some information on assertive, passive and aggressive communication styles given to me by a therapist a while back, and I was surprised that to me the assertive examples seemed like …
Hello Ask A Coach, I recently completed an unintentional model that revealed a much bigger core belief. I felt like I was able to address the thought in the model but got a little stuck with addressing the core belief. UM C: Invited to an event with new friends T: I don’t know what to …
Hi amazing team, thank you so much for taking the time to look at this and help me on this! You’re all truly inspiring. Here’s the question: I notice I value honesty and communication a lot. I don’t have troubles expressing this towards my partner or my mom, or people I have just met. But …
Dear Ask A Coach, Lately I’ve been doing daily thought downloads/models, and I’ve noticed a couple of recurring core beliefs that I’m having some trouble shifting. The first is: “If I am perfect, I am safe.” Logically, intellectually I know that perfection doesn’t exist/is impossible/is in the eye of the beholder. I know that. But …
Thanks so much for the coaching! It is really helpful to see an outside perspective that can dissect my C, F and A lines for me. I have done a thought download on ‘Evening activities’ right after I received the coaching and one just now, about two weeks later. When I compare the two thought …
This is probably going to need to be a series because there’s a lot to unpack in this one… I hired someone into my team three years ago and have had a lot of challenges with them ever since – they have difficulty meeting deadlines, trouble prioritizing, work needs a lot of revisions when it’s …
Thank you for your response. Maisie’s point on the purpose of self-coaching really touched me. Why bother going through all the trouble of self-coaching? Here are my thoughts: I feel an obligation to be the best version of myself because I have chosen to have children. I don’t want to f- them up because I’ve …
I work in a primary school where the children can work individually, which involves much more spontaneity and individual support/help. Today school started again after the holidays. At noon when we’ve eaten all together I’ve got really emotional and asked, if it’s okey, that I take a bit of time for myself and have eaten …
I’ve been on a journey with my weight since joining the Flow Collective six months ago and I believe I’ve made some progress in unlearning much of the body hatred I’ve carried around (as shown in my two previous Ask a Coach queries). I still am not able to make enough time for yoga as …
I’ve noticed a pattern of frustration and irritation with the different social groups I’ve been in, going back even 10 years ago, I literally get so pissed off with the people who I care about who constantly talk about the things they want to do, or problems they want to solve, and then do Nothing, …
No questions here really, just wanted to follow up and thank you for the helpful response (and the immediate positive results!). The situation came up again and I thought I felt envy toward a friend’s engagement plans. Instead of talking smack about myself for feeling envy, I got curious and asked “what does this signify”? …
I have formed an attachment to a manager at work. I thought I had before, but finding out they are leaving, confirmed I did. I felt sadness and loss. It’s an older (than me) male. To me, they’re sensitive, stable, reliable, enthusiastic, creative, they seem like a good loving father (spoken about and I’ve heard …
I work in a secondary school where the vast majority of staff are in the 20s and many of which still in their early 20s have taken on middle leadership positions. I have made the conscious decision not to – though I had been offered such a position. I have noticed this group of staff …
Lately, I’ve been noticing a pattern that I’m trying to make sense of. when I hear about other peoples’ accomplishments or major life milestones, it brings up a lot of thoughts related to envy or resentment. The severity of the envy and whether resentment is included or not has to do with the stories I’ve …
Thank you for the reply to the first question. I had no idea how black and white my thinking was until it was plainly written and how obvious! It was apparent I was leaving no space in the friendship for change (for better or worse) which limited me to two choices. Steps have been taken …
Hi lovely coaches! I am coming at you today with something that has been floating in my brain for the past couple of weeks. A friend and colleague of mine has had an accident a year ago, which was very physically and emotionally traumatic. It resulted in lots of health issue and a serious brain …
Hello! I just watched the Self Love Workshop from 2021, going through part of that workbook. I really resonated with the coaching for Gemma. The unintentional model about not showing up as herself with other people who she considers to be in a different social standing and feeling inadequate is also how I feel and …
I’d like to share stuff on social media, I think instagram and fb are great ways to stay in touch with people but I find it very hard for me to post anything or be active online. I stopped using social media after an incident with an abusive partner, I felt unsafe and needing to …
Hi coaches, I joined the collective in December and have been feeling so much more grounded having completed the Harness your Hormones, Nutrition and creating safety toolkits plus and used the ‘ask a coach’ tool to take a look deeper look at certain aspects of my past. I have felt stronger, more content and a …
hello coaches, I’d appreciate any insight on this – its a longstanding issue that is never going to jeopardise my friendship with this person but I would like to ‘take up more space’ in this friendship. Context – I stayed overnight at the home of a good and longstanding friend Staying with friend and I …
I recently had a realisation that whenever I spend time with or have a conversation with anybody – even close friends and my family, I am assuming thr whole time that they don’t like me or think I’m being unlikable. It makes me feel a bit sad that I’ve gone through life feeling like that …
I started completing the relationships worksheet – thinking about who I find it easy to love right now and why. A thought came up, which I’ve noticed a few times this month, which is that I am selfish in relationships (any kind of relationship) and therefore don’t deserve love and affection from others. I automatically …
Thank you for your answer. I love the thought “sometimes humans are judgmental and it’s ok” because it doesn’t make them judgmental humans but humans that are sometimes judgmental. I think this can help me to build different kinds of connections with them and accept them for who they are. Also, if I apply this …
This is a continuation from a post I made about my reflections on the working less lesson: that if we all only do what we want to do, that wouldn’t be good for community, for support to occur, as we don’t always want to help or support, but we see that its necessary. I have …
Would support still exist if we all only did exactly what we want to do? Read More »
Dear Coach, I’ve come across the term compartmentalisation lately a lot and it seems to have either a negative or positive connotation depending on which angle you look at it from. It is usually seen as a mechanism to avoid cognitive dissonance. A friend of mine said to me the other day that she started …
I have a very trivial circumstance that I think could be a good playground for exploring some models on some deeper self-critical thoughts I have about a belief that I am messy, chaotic and can sometimes be absent-minded. The circumstance is making pancakes at a friend’s parents’ house, the fire alarm went off multiple times …
Dear coaches, I’ve joined TFC recently and have already learned a lot through coaching – both through Ask A Coach and self-coaching models – so today I decided it’s time to try and tackle a pattern that I have been struggling for years and years (I am mid-twenties now, but I remember struggling with this …
Hi AAC, This is something that has been whizzing around my brain for months but am yet to take any action. I thought I was more or less certain in the direction I was waiting for the ‘right time’, however the relationship coachings have shifted this. This friend I have known for 8 years and …
I was recently asked by an acquaintance in a group if I would like to have a phone call with them to get to know each other better. Instead of telling the truth, that I don’t really have space in my life right now for a new friendship, I said that I would love to …
I had a very close group of three female friends who I have fallen out with over the past six months. I would like coaching on how to move on from this fallout. I found the fallout really heavy and difficult emotionally, and have spent a lot of time thinking about it over the past …
Thanks for your coaching. I’ve been observing the self-love topic over the last weeks, and yesterday, I think I found the main thought in the lower part of my brain: I’m not lovable. It took a while to really get there. But with this thought in mind, everything becomes clear to me: WHY my life …
I’m recovering from a burnout from work . There are many reasons for the burnout , the work environment , my people pleasing tendencies, challenging projects, and tricky individuals and tricky projects. Im much stronger now , and slowly working towards going back to work . However there are certain individuals who were part of …
Thank you for your answer. It’s been really helpful to hear that other people thought’s about me are 50/50. I’ve applied the 50/50 rule to so many areas in my life (people I meet etc.) and it really helps to put things into perspective. Interestingly, it often made me realize that the part that feels …
I have listened to the evaluate webinar today and have thought about January on the basis of connection. Can you give me any feedback? Thanks Currently on day 26 so feeling a bit heavy hearted and depleted as I write this… What went well Connection with Charlie (husband) -Curry night once in month -Amazing sex …
Thankyou for your previous guidance. I’ve been working on regulating my emotions and I’ve realised i’m struggling with accepting what is – I’ve realised ultimately I am still wishing it hadn’t happened. He was wrong to do it. She was wrong to behave the way she did. Everything I did was wrong. It wasn’t supposed …
I had a discussion with a friend yesterday that I would appreciate some coaching on. Fits then also well in Jewel Hohman’s Call, but I do not know if I can do it … I’ve been going to this friend’s gym class for years. She is not a “Priority Friend”, she is not very close …
Customer or Friend? Or: Turning from Defensiveness to Compassion Read More »
I would appreciate feedback on models to help me move away from feeling a need to explain myself which leaves me feeling frustrated, misunderstood and exposed. C No one else understands me perfectly. UM T I need to explain myself. F Frustrated A Try to explain, tire myself out, share more than I want to …
I have been using the FC Facebook group to share wins / selfcare Sunday and also to read other members posts and interact with the others. I use FB specifically for this group only. From using the group I had great insights so far and posting wins etc helped me a lot, however I noticed …
Thank you – this really helps. 1. Here is a model that I’v e been exploring… C – exploring relationships in the past T – we are all human and everyone can make mistakes. It’s in the past. F – forgiveness for myself and others A – stop reuminating on the past and looking for …
While listening to the webinar today on relationships, a hard question comes to me. Recently I expressed (more likely I exploded) to my partner some things I was not happy about. I hold these things in me for too long and seemed okay with things so when the way they came out was perceived by …
Hello! I am having trouble finalizing my goal and rocks for the year. I was diagnosed with autism about a year and a half ago and have been working on unmasking and figuring out who I am. I want this year to be about really knowing myself and loving that person. I am stuck on …
Thank you for your answer! Yes, there were two instances were two different people said something to me. Right at the beginning, when the horse developed his issues the other person riding the horse said to me “when we’re riding the horse, we don’t notice when something is wrong and that’s why he’s developed his …
I am really struggling with being ‘told off’ at the moment. Or that is how my brain is interpreting a lot of interactions right now. For example, this evening I really wanted to spend some time with my husband so I got the kids in bed early (he was at therapy) but I then fell …
I am struggling BIG TIME with anger & my behaviour has become dangerous. I am quite certain I have PMDD. Today I attacked my partner in a public place. I ran at him & scratched his face & he pinned me down on the ground. This is connected with me repeatedly communicating to him what …
Hello! New joiner to TFC here. I’ve just changed career. I worked hard to retrain over the past 18 months and I’m 2 weeks into my first full time job in the new industry. I’m enjoying the work and I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken to get to this point. But I’ve noticed that …
Hello, and thank you for your answer. Already this year a lot of opportunities have come up to connect with different people. I’ve realized that I don’t even have to do things to meet new people but that I “just” need to “lean in” to the connections I already have. I think I’ve always had …
Social Circle (Previous: Plan’s for New Year’s Eve I and II) Read More »
Thank you for the proposition of staying with the pain and allow it. I did that for 2 years, I cried and cried and cried and now I want to be happy, it is time to be happy! I realized that I don’t want to cry anymore. And what my brain was offering is : …
Some draft models I’m not sure about re dating/speed dating C: Unsuccessful dates and relationships T: I’m overqualified for those men. F: Confident, valued A: Go on dates but don’t make the outcomes mean anything about me; R: Show up as my best self. C: Speed dating. T: Men are plentiful. F: Optimisitic, hopeful A: …
Thank you for your feedback, so helpful and thought provoking. I sat with the question ‘How could I feel better in my relationship with my colleague?’ with a curious intent and things did dissolve, particularly when I allowed myself to write things which could be perceived as ‘wrong’ (by me, haha). I noticed the judgment …
“If I want something that I don’t need, I may have to sacrifice love and acceptance.” – Oh yes. That is accurate. Actually, no. That is an accurate transcription of the amorphous belief bumping around in my subconscious, but it is no longer accurate in the life that I have built for myself away from …
Part 2 of uprooting outdated beliefs about money Read More »
Hello, I’m 33 and single and I’d like to find my partner to share my live with. From my teenage days on I’ve always been in relationships until 5 years ago. When this relationship ended, I realized that I didn’t like the person I’ve become. For me it felt like I had the same awful …
Hiya I’m hoping for some help with how to differentiate between being kind to myself and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I enjoy being social however like many I am very content in my own company in my late autumn. I am generally very good at being around people but I also get …
Understanding the difference between listening to my needs and being avoidant Read More »
I have just revisited the 10, 3 and 1 year visioning in a self-guided meditation, trying to get some more insight. Parts of my 10 year vision are clear. Featuring heavily is a small home, somewhere with sea and hills, filled with gorgeous colours, with everything exactly where I want it. It is a nest, …
Hello, I’m 46 and single. I live in a rural area, 1.5 hours drive from nearest city. I have my own business which is quite solitary. I’m very content with where I live and I love my work. I had one 2 year relationship in my 20’s and since then 2 or 3 very short …
I am having difficulties with a member of my team. She is a supervisor in one of the departments in the business I run with my sister, I am her manager. I have talked to our HR advisor as we haven’t managed to have an in person or email communication in the past month that …
Dear coach, I’m in the last months of my Ph.D. (in the south of France). I am sure that I won’t be in academia after this and recently started doing health coaching which I quite enjoy. My 10-year plan is to be a well-established coach for autoimmune folks and help them to thrive in life …
Living in France for the last months of PhD and getting a citizenship Read More »
C : My two best mates have both recently split with their partners . I am reflecting on my relationship as a result with my partner. They are also making new friends with other people who single or are co parenting .I’m making sure I see both of them individually at most weekends when I …
My partner whenever something bad happens to her has a tendency to say they’re unlucky. Doing work in this collective I feel like I can see there is thought work to be done here for her but I’m also wondering about my tendency to want to advise or help people fix their unhappiness. Is it …
Hello, I’m a new member and really excited to be here. This year has been one of major shifts for me. Earlier this year I went through some difficult friendship conflicts that led me to seriously reconsider my relationship with myself, I started therapy, and have been committed to building self-trust and resiliency as I …
I recently broke up with my boyfriend after almost 2 years of dating, and living together for almost one. It was his idea as he felt I lacked independence. I waver (ALOT!) but do think this is the right decision long term, I think I was so ‘him-centered’ I lost a lot of my own …
There’s quite a lot going on for me at the moment- a bereavement just before I joined FTC, completing 1:1 sound therapy qualification- pending assessment but hoping to build a business so I can support myself and drop my part-time job and support my art practice whilst working to become a full-time practising artist. I …
Grief and making the most of/ making a start with TFC Read More »
Hi coaches, I’m back! I took a bit of a breather and then found myself ready for new shifts. I have realised that silence is a major anxiety trigger for me. Whenever I don’t hear back from somebody my anxiety has a really good day at the office. I have also had experiences in the …
That sounds amazing! I’ve been re-watching the self-love webinar and still have some questions: how can I create as much love and connection as I want wihtin myself? Is it ‘just’ that I decide to do it? Is it about entertaining the thought that love and connection are abundant everywhere? How do I do it? …
Thanks for the coaching. How about these results… C. conversation about teaching mindfulness at work. T. She is going to do this on her own and cut me out. F. Anxiety Sensations: fizzy all over body. Alert. contraction at chest. A. Ruminate. Don’t sleep as worrying. Think of ways I can control the situation. Write …
On New Year’s Eve, I bumped into an old fling at a party. We didn’t leave things on the best note and because I was drunk, I felt very activated by our interaction and found myself engaging in toxic behaviour/conversations with him that I would have stirred clear of if I was less inebriated. Although …
I am planning a wedding, which is both exciting and bringing up a lot of stuff. One thing in particular is that I have an old friend, and we haven’t spoken for a while due to a mutual close friends death, and the aftershock and behaviour afterwards. I don’t know wether I want to invite …
I have created an intentional model and unintentional model on my thoughts and feelings about what one of my friend says. She often says things of a similar nature and so I find myself in this unintentional model a lot. Unintentional model C: A friend said some words about the importance of marriage and relationships. …
Hello and thank you for your reply. I’ve listened to the podcast episode you recommended and a lot resonated with me. With regard to my plans for New Year’s Eve, I’ve literally just now decided to spend the evening with my parents and then maybe go over to my friend’s place after dinner. I couldn’t …
This is messy….but heart-felt. I have a friend who has been in my life since I was a teenager. I’m finding her to be a big trigger and sometimes seeing her (especially when we are with friends, not so much by herself) can send me into a place for !days! where all I do is …
I just submitted another question but I can’t remember exactly what I called it, it was about being lonely and moving to London and struggling to make friends. As I kept thinking about it, I came up with something. I’ve realised that I feel unsafe in London. Not in a literal sense, but in the …
2 and half years ago I moved to London for my studies. I am in the last year of my BA right now and I love what I get from the course and what I learn from being in London. However, lately I’ve been quite lonely. I feel like I haven’t met a lot of …
Hi coaches, I’d like to get some coaching around a topic that occurred yesterday. I have Borderline personality disorder, and one symptom is that my brain anticipates rejection in specific situations very strongly. The specific situation yesterday was: I’m an assistant at university (I quit- my last day will be in February), and my students …
Dear Coaches I have too much on my plate. I notice it by constantly trying to multitask (even though I know I can’t) and forgetting appointments. This busy-ness is of course self-inflicted – I have two kids, a job, am self-employed on top of that, have lots of interests, girlfriends and little side-gigs (and a …
Hi lovely coaches, I burned out a few years ago and have been recovering and coming to terms with that and the fall out of that ever since…and it’s been up and down and a huge part of my decision to join the Flow Collective. A work friend seems to me to be in the …
I moved to a small town at the start of the pandemic, and spent the first year or so more or less just alone in my apartment with very little contact with people. I’m now at the point where I’d like to start building a life here. I have only one friend here, no partner, …
Building a new life while navigating mood changes and nervous system activation Read More »
I have been noticing that I feel some vulnerability in the Flow Collective community. This shows up as thoughts that say “I am not appreciated in this space”, “I am not doing it right” and “I am not wanted”. This is a thread throughout my life, and is one of the reasons why I currently …
Hey coaches! I read something in a facebook group yesterday that really activated some strong defensiveness in me. I listened to the pep talk about what to do when I dislike what someone said, and I’m bringing my self-coaching model to you for feedback. *Unintentional Model* C: someone writes words in a FB group T: …
Hi dear coach, I’m back with further coaching in this manner. I got coached by Maisie on the 9th December call and it brought further manners to the surface. I would love some coaching on those 🙂 But first to complete your answer from the last coaching, When I think of “In the end everything …
A couple of years ago I experienced a very close friend asking to end our friendship. Since then I’ve coached myself on this and received brilliant coaching. I finally reached peace with the situation and have even been in contact with the friend and we have both expressed love and understanding over what happened. I’m …
Hello, some old school friends asked me if I wanted to do something with them on New Year’s Eve. I immediately agreed thinking that we would go to a party as we had done in previous years. However, it turns out they want to spend a cozy evening at home and chose the house of …
Hi coaches, my partner and I ended our relationship last year and I now finally have time to process the separation. There is a lot of anger coming up as I feel that she wasn’t there for me in the way that I would have needed her to when I had a big mental breakdown …
I have been with my partner for 3 years and we own a house together. We have a good connection in many ways – we share some interests, we both love to have fun and be playful together, and we are quite open with our feelings and experiences. However, I have always had regular periods …
Hello, I am from Ireland. I left in 2008 and have moved around a bit. I now live in California and have been here for 7 years. I have a 3 and a 6 year old and they were both born here. My wife is from London.We both have a constant itch about moving back …
Thanks you. I’ve considered and made notes on all the things you raised, and sharing some of this here for further coaching – I put the thought into a model C: Considering the thought that “I provoke bad reactions in people” T: I don’t seem to be able to state my needs without pissing others …
Well, its not exactly what happened. As soon as she left, and i took some time to compose myself I could focus on work, be efficient using MY METHOD, and be content executing the task requested. I think what is mainly triggering me is the fact that i feel that she is talking AT me, …
My work Christmas party is booked for either the evening when I start my period, or day 3 which can be a challenging day for me. I am really looking forward to it and want to go but am a bit worried about not being as present as I want to be or not enjoying …
I have been dealing with an issue for many years at work. I work in an open office environment with hundreds of people in an open space. Most days I can handle it ok, but there are times when I am very busy with my job and/or it is towards the end of my cycle …
C: Christmas season T: I dont belong to any family F: Lonely, Different from others A: Work or try to get “adopted” by a family for Christmas Eve R: Distracted by work or Enjoying moments with friends C: Christmas season T: its ok to feel lonely during this time many do even if they are …
I am worrying about a friend. She struggles with mental health – depression and anxiety – and is going through an extra long dip. She is not fully open with friends, family and work. She is scared of losing her job she is agreeing to unrealistic workload and then not achieving the work – while …