Bridging models and trying to get to neutral

Hi Coaches

Please can you help me with the following model. I’m struggling with a meaningful neutral/bridging model and a result for the intentional model – my ideal outcome is that they all resign, but this isn’t going to happen! To be honest, if I could just get my head around a neutral model I’d feel comfortable with that.

Unintentional model
Circumstance: I have a difficult member of staff. Both he and the union rep are patronising and argumentative in meetings. No support from my manager.
Thought: This is a fucking nightmare.
Feeling: Overwhelmed
Action: Fall through sympathetic mode (from flight to freeze) into dorsal vegal mode (shut down); sit in the negative and try to push it away; struggle to process other people’s anger and resentment on top of my own; make it mean a lot about me – all of it negative;
Result: Continue to feel overwhelmed and like there’s nothing I can do to move the case on.

Thought: I can’t do anything with this case and I’m wasting my time.
Feeling: Angry
Action: Fall through sympathetic mode (from flight to freeze) into dorsal vegal mode (shut down); sit in the negative and try to push it away; struggle to process other people’s anger and resentment on top of my own; make it mean a lot about me – all of it negative;
Result: Continue to feel angry and like there’s nothing I can do to move the case on.

Thought: I get no back-up from my manager.
Feeling: Resentful
Fall through sympathetic mode (from flight to freeze) into dorsal vegal mode (shut down); sit in the negative and try to push it away; struggle to process other people’s anger and resentment on top of my own; make it mean a lot about me – all of it negative;
Result: Continue to feel resentful and like there’s nothing I can do to move the case on.

Bridging/neutral model
Circumstance: I have a difficult member of staff. Both he and the union rep are patronising and argumentative in meetings. No support from my manager.
Thought: I am stuck with this case that I’m not empowered to move the case on.
Feeling: Curious
Action: Speak to manager and explain frustrations; ask for guidance on approach going forward; escalate to his manager; try to disengage my thoughts about the employee and the union rep
Result: Continue to feel overwhelmed and like there’s nothing I can do to move the case on.

Intentional model
Circumstance: I have a difficult member of staff. Both he and the union rep are patronising and argumentative in meetings. No support from my manager.
Thought: The employee is worried and the union rep is there to protect his interests.
Feeling: Acceptance
Action: Follow the process I’ve been given; try to disengage my thoughts about the employee and the union rep.
Result: ??

Answer:

First thing’s first…you have done quite a bit of noodling on this situation and it’s evident that you are looking for solutions here. Good on you for asking for help.

Before I answer your questions, let’s take a look at your C line. It’s not neutral, in fact, it’s three separate thoughts. To build a clear model, it’s helpful to start with a very fact-based C line; no emotions or thoughts (we don’t want to debate anything with anyone here).

For example: 

C: Case #_______ (or the name of the case…or “March 2022 Case”)

T: I have a difficult member of staff

T: Both he and the union rep are argumentative and patronizing in meetings

T: I get no support from my manager

Can you see the difference? When you simplify your C line into something truly neutral that nobody will argue about, you can be more aware of, and selective about how you think about it. 

So, before we dive into IMs or bridge models, I invite you to rework your models starting with a neutral circumstance. Let us know whether anything changes in your models and if you discover a new way to look at this. 

Likewise, if nothing changes, bring your question back and let’s come at it a different way.