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Boundaries and parenting

I am working on boundaries and am very new to the process.
This morning I read a line in ‘perimenopause power’ that has really hit a nerve.
On pg 164 Maisie is talking about her son climbing on her like a climbing frame and her reaction to this.

 

“When I do this, I’m letting him know that I am responsible for my emotional wellbeing and behaviour. If, however, I was to withdraw or get mad, I’d be sending signals that he is responsible for my emotional state and that he has to behave a certain way in order for me to feel good and, consequently, for him to feel safe and loved.”

 

I can see my own behaviour in this statement and I can see that I need to address this (I literally withdrew from my daughter yesterday in a similar situation) however I have no idea where to start.
Are there some questions I could ask myself to find out what is really going on?
Can you point me in the direction of a podcast that might help?
I only joined the flow collective 3 days ago and have just started tracking my cycle. Thanks

Answer:

First, welcome to The Flow Collective. We are glad you are here!
When you think about when you withdrew from your daughter, why did you do it? 
Maybe it is from a thought like:
  • It does not feel good
  • I need space
  • I want to do something else.
For the sake of example, let’s say it is because you did not like how that felt. 
The important thing to see is that you did not withdraw because of what your daughter did. You withdrew because of what you thought about it.
If we use the example answer that is given above, then we would say it is not what your daughter did that caused you to withdraw, it is the fact that you thought “I do not like how this feels.” 
With the understanding that it is your thoughts about your daughter’s actions and not her actions, how would you communicate that with her? It might look like something like;
  •  “I do not like how that feels when you do that. Let’s do [insert alternative thing you would prefer] instead.”
  • “ I can keep (talking/playing/whatever you were doing), if you don’t do that. I do not like how it feels. Thank you.”
Boundaries are something that we set for ourselves to feel safe. Communicating that is an act of love. In these examples, you are letting your daughter know what your boundary is, and what you will do if it is crossed.
So how will you handle the same situation moving forward?