Partner not responding the way I want him to

One of the arguments that comes up again and again between me and my lovely partner is that I feel he doesn’t respond to things I tell him with as much curiosity and interest as I respond to things he tells me. This can range from things I say about how my day was to me introducing him to the music I enjoy etc etc. He has recently pointed out to me that I often self-sabotage in these situations, leaving out rich detail because I lose confidence in my story; even telling him that the story is boring, or that he probably won’t like the music. I then get annoyed when he doesn’t draw me out and ask me to share more. Since he’s pointed this out I’ve noticed that it’s true, and extends to my conversations with other people, where I often gloss over or simplify stories about my life because I don’t feel confident telling them, but wind up feeling like I’m not seen for who I really am. I also listened to Maisie’s Celebration podcast episode and found it really challenging to articulate my recent successes to my partner, although it was fun pointing out his. How do I stop undermining myself, take up more space in my relationships and get the recognition I really want? Thank you so much for any advice.

 

Answer:

What great openness you had for hearing your partner’s thoughts. You took that information and created awareness for yourself, especially evaluating how it plays out in other parts of your life. 

Let’s take a look at your model.

C: Questions asked when I tell a story
T: I am not seen
F: unconfident
A: Leave out details, say the story is boring, say they probably won’t like it, simplify the story, don’t feel recognized
R: I don’t see myself. 

It seems as though you want other people to validate you by recognizing you, asking you questions, or showing interest in what you say. The truth is doing those things does not validate you. It is what you make them mean that does that. If you feel seen for who you are, it is because you are choosing to believe that is what those things mean. You could choose that thought about anything some else does or says, including yourself. 

What would it look like if you chose to believe that you are seen based on what you say or do?