Daughter is autistic and I’m struggling to support her in my Autumn

My eldest daughter is 7 and currently in the process of receiving an autism diagnosis. She is clearly struggling at the moment – full of anger, panicked about fitting in at school and feeling she is different whilst having worrying low self esteem as she has perfectionist tendencies. She masks throughout the day and because she has been keeping it all in, there is a lot of overwhelm and meltdowns at home and at the weekends – the change in routine is something she really struggles with. I suspect I may also be autistic as I recognise a lot of her behaviours in myself but have never been diagnosed. Because of this, I *think* (I hope) I am able to support her in the ways she needs (listening to her, giving her time to be alone and process, being patient with her sometimes very hurtful and more aggressive behaviours towards me and her sister) but I really struggle with this in my autumn when I am feeling anger myself. Inevitably, I end up snapping and then feeling like a monster, spending half the cycle feeling like the worst mother in the world and crying. I guess my question is how do I stop this shame spiral and find a way to show up for her and myself?

My husband seems to be a lot calmer with her, which is obviously wonderful, but in my autumn it brings up feelings of my own inadequacy – why can’t I remain calm? I practise yoga and meditation almost daily and although it helps, I often feel overwhelmed by tasks that I am completely on top of in my spring and summer. I suspect I suffer from PMDD and have started to implement strategies to manage this. I am asking for help more when I need it and saying no more often. I felt very triggered Sunday evening as my girls were fighting in the bath and I ended up shouting at them both (not a nice end to the weekend). Processing this feeling afterward, I realised that I see their fighting as a reflection of my parenting (where have I gone wrong for them both to think this is acceptable behaviour/people are judging me because of their behaviour). I also noticed that what I needed in that time was to take a breath. My husband was in the garage and instead of asking for help, I decided to play the martyr and get it all done myself.

I realise there is a lot to unpick in this question, but even writing it down has helped me to pick up areas to work on.

 

Answer:

You have brought a great deal of self-awareness to this post – even though you’re not talking about the sunny side of you, give yourself a hearty high-five for identifying your struggles and feelings well.

Why does snapping at your daughter make you feel like a monster? What do you think it means about you that you snap at your daughter in your autumn? 

What else might it mean that you snap at your daughter during your autumn (inject some self-compassion here!). It’s easy to focus on what we do poorly especially when we’re feeling down, and I’d like you to give equal air time to highlight what you do that feels right and good during this same time of your cycle.

How could this be an exit strategy from your shame cycle? Try it out, and come back to us with what you experience.