Trying to figure out my R line

Hello (and thank you!)
I haven’t quite mastered the coaching models yet. I can totally get them when wanting to create a chosen result or looking at a result and working backwards. But when I’m not sure what that R line is I get in a muddle.

Over the last few months I’ve kept thought downloads in my notes on my journey of looking into whether I might be autistic.
I have put the 5 of them here, some with attempted models. Maybe one is useful for you to pick out and help me on?

My question (which is not a powerful one-haven’t quite grasped these yet either) is:

Question: I think I am asking for help with tools. The model at the end of TD-5 is my goal/ where I’d like to exist the most.

I have got as far as deciding and booking an assessment for diagnosis. I think I need coaching on thought management getting me there (august) and staying committed to it in a positive, light way.

I am about to re-listen to podcast ep19. And imagine tomorrows workshop will be really helpful too.

Reoccurring theme of thought downloads: a surprise and sudden release of overwhelming emotion. I think It feels like both relief and fear in an enormous sudden wave.

TD-1
I am trying to coach myself into a state where this is not continuously such the huge massive thing my nervous system and thoughts (i’m not catching) are making it.
I am aware I have thoughts of embarrassment and fear that can quickly spiral to shame.
(This has since been hugely helped by a sharing thread in the community)

Late last spring listening to the podcast autism episode-(just because I had started at the 1st ep and was working my way through). To my surprise cried with overwhelm the whole way through it?! I think the emotion was recognition or relief? Relating so much and feeling I hear and see myself and also so many lightbulb connection /untangling moments I was overwhelmed and confused. Autism had nver come into orbit for me before

(It took me 9months to psych myself up to looking into a diagnosis and taking action. Over that time I would spend months obsessing and doing much online research but then dropping it due to exhaustion or fear or mean/unhelpful thoughts. I also use finance as an obstacle as well as not wanting to rock the boat with family etc. I’m looking to break the loop/ pattern).

TD-2
Randomly out of the blue on a productive “autumn” day last month I emailed The psychiatrist’s assistant Maisie had recommended. (After no luck locally)

I didn’t have big emotions after emailing I just had nice practical- yay- welldone -you did it thoughts. Which was great.

however, on the way home I received a reply. I was in a really good mood, Friday, but reading the reply-
which was just information on what I needed to do next-
suddenly I was uncontrollably sobbing on the platform, (these emotional outburst dont happen to me?) I managed to calm myself down after a few minutes but this happened twice more on train on way home. Whilst it was happening I was trying to tap into what thoughts were causing it but couldn’t pin point them it was all too swirly and mixed.
I wrote this at the end of my train ride

Model:

C email Reply from psychiatrist assistant
T ??????
F ????
A overwhelming sobs
A looking through which friend to call or try partner
A not deciding
A not reaching out to anyone
R ??? Finally calm down Writing this model but obviously more T and Fs involved before creating this R??

Trying to work out what my overwhelming feeling that triggered release of tears was???

Earlier today
C sent email to psychiatrist assistant
T Yay I did it- that was easy
F I’m ok you’re ok. Adult confidence calm excitement?
A check phone occasionally for reply
A wait response
A continue day
R continue day with calm intrigue about next step.

So the huge overwhelm attack was a surprise?!

TD-3
Discovery of sarah Hendrix book
Listening to sample on audible and suddenly i was breathing like I was marching up a huge steep hill (but I was sitting) – I was breathing to contain a swell of emotion- like I’d just been told someone i loved I thought I’d never see again was about to walk back in the room…

C listen to book intro
T? Recognition??/this might help??
F emotional overwhelmed?
A
R

TD-4
I think I have managed to coach myself into not seeing the money as a factor – my brain loves to offer me all the things I’m sacrificing or “taking away from my partner and children” by spending money on this but i have coached myself to an adamant place these are not helpful thoughts and I don’t agree with them.

I have a concern as the date gets nearer these thoughts might shout loudly to make me back out. So holding a tight rein on them- but this is a bit tiring.

Some days I can be 100% sure I am autistic and trust myself and then I’ll read something or look into it again and come across many things I don’t align with and be like- Oh gosh what am I thinking -of course I’m not. Then what I try to tell myself is I can’t 100% know and this is why going for a diagnosis makes sense as a journey -and can tell myself- it’s ok if i’m not but maybe I will untangle something else along the way…?!
Although Sometimes the above positive thought can also be placed negativity with fear-What is it if its not Autism?
And then the thought that all this spinning is a waste of time and energy!

TD-5
A female relative died in a psychiatric ward (before I was born) I know this is possibly part of what I’m untangling. And potentially why it feels so big. I have also uncovered that I think this relatives experience is also why (baring my two pregnancies, as that was mandatory), I have no medical history. I have never before now reached out for help. I think caused by a subconscious, inherited distrust of medical process and also not wanting to worry current family members- I have “coped” and lived with varying degrees of anxiety and depression most of my life.

C I think I could be Autistic (can a thought be a fact/ ok on C line?) Oh maybe its Looking into if i’m autistic
T ?? This will rock the boat/cause others discomfort/grief
F concern /fear/anxiety
A isolating self /not talking to people
A spend time obsessing/ researching
A not manage time well
R its all consuming/ exhausting

C Looking into if i’m autistic
T this could be really helpful to uncover
F hopeful /courageous
A ? Talking to people
A measured research
A maybe less ferocious interest
A looking after myself on this journey
R able to continue with other goals /life etc in the mean time.

This final model is where I would love to exist. Many Thanks in advance!!!

Answer:

Such a good question here – how do I use the tools well? Let’s look at the TD-2 model.

Your C line is excellent. To fill in the T and F line, consider this: you don’t have to know why you’re crying when you’re having an overwhelming emotion, and this is when doing a model out of order can be helpful. Let’s with figuring out the F-line – how can you process and identify big feelings?

Ask yourself these questions: What does it feel like – light or heavy, relieving or burdensome, pleasant or unpleasant? Where do you feel it in your body – your chest, stomach, neck, throat, or shoulders? What shape does it have – like a rock, a hole, a cavern, a beach, the end of a tunnel, or the beginning of one? 

When you spend time allowing the feeling to just be there and give it attention instead of trying to figure out WHY you’re having it and calm it down, you tend to be able to identify it and it calms itself down, which helps us with the T line.

Now check in with your thoughts…what is one thing you thought about the email response from the psychiatrist’s assistant that led to that experience of emotion? Does this connect well to your R line? 

Here, just based on your A line, your R line is very disconnected, and your suspicions are correct – it belongs in a different model. I would say that your R-line might look like this: “Continues to have swells of overwhelming emotion alone on the train”. Is there a thought that this might be connected to?

Keep the models simple. Give them and yourself time. They are a tool for building awareness, not solving feelings. They give us power to inspect, assess, and redirect if we want to. Also, watch modules 4 & 5 or Harnessing your Hormones, and this week’s self-coaching workshop.