Communicating with my parents

Hello, I am hoping you can help me uncover some ways to communicate with my parents better. Our relationship has not been the best for many years and it seems that when I share any exciting news about my life choices they are disappointed or uninterested in me.

Example: I tell them we are taking next year to travel South America with my husband and child

Their response: Silence and sulking

No questions or discussions are had and it makes it really hard for me to want to tell them anything or try and make our relationship better.

Thank you so much!

 

Answer:

Hi love. What a great question to bring to AAC. I wonder what the expectations that you have for how conversations should go when you share what you think is exciting news with them? When they don’t meet that (or those) expectations, what happens for you?

It sounds like there is some pushback on the reality of the situation – “This is how I WANT my parents to respond when I share x.” vs. “This is how they DO respond when I share x.”

A possible model here might be:

C: Tell parents we are taking next year to travel to South America with husband and child

T: They didn’t respond how I hoped they would (just a guess here)

F: Disappointed (again, a guess)

A: Interpret their silence to mean  __________, don’t have discussions, create a story that them not asking questions means ____________,  ruminate on why it’s hard to want to tell them anything, talk about how hard it is to make our relationship better, focus on their sulking, etc., etc.

R: Continue to focus on how disappointing they are, instead of what I can do to not feel disappointed in them

When people don’t meet our expectations it’s mostly painful for us. Can you imagine loving for them exactly the way they are RIGHT NOW without them having to change a thing? If you came from a place of love for them, how would your expectations change?

Try plugging the feeling of love into the F Line of the model. What comes up?

C: Tell parents we are taking next year to travel to South America with husband and child

T: 

F: Love (or acceptance)

A: 

R: 

Please come back for more coaching. We’re excited to see where this goes!