Hyper-vigilance about what others think of me

I am a strong, independent, confident person but I am also a people pleaser from deep within. I like to be liked. I like to be needed. I like people to think well of me and talk well of me. With that comes anxiety and constant attention to people’s looks and responses. The positive is that I am intuitive to people’s emotions and needs. This serves me well in my job as a labor and delivery nurse. But I find I can be hyper vigilant, analyzing a look or a response to mean that person is unhappy with me or my actions. We make a lot of important, quick decisions in my work and have a lot of responsibility. It is exhausting to be hyper alert to everyone around me and try to please the patients, doctors, other nurses, family members, etc. I even feel the need to anticipate their needs and fulfill them before I am asked. I feel bad if I have to be asked, like I wasn’t intuitive enough. And then in my personal life it is exhausting to be always examining my actions and words and then others’ responses for signs of disapproval or dislike. I shy away from getting close to people because it is exhausting to be alert to their feelings about me all the time. How can I stop this constant cycle? How can I tell my brain that goes into hyper-alert to quiet and calm down and be at peace with myself?

 

Answer:

Let’s start with acknowledging your great awareness of yourself, and how it is affecting you.

Let’s look at what this is creating for you:

C: Being with other people
T: I want people to think well of me
F: Anxiety
A: Constantly watching and interpreting people’s words and physical responses, trying to please others, try to anticipate others needs and respond before asked, judge myself if I don’t anticipate another’s request, shy away from making personal connections
R: I do not think well of myself.

If you thought well of yourself, you would not feel the need to do something for others. You would know that being yourself, as you are, is good enough. You would please yourself, and then feel good about how you show up.

What do you think will happen if you stopped trying to please others?

By understanding why your brain is choosing this belief, you may begin to have compassion for yourself. It may sound like:

 

• “Of course I do this. I think this is what will make people think well of me.” or

•  “My brain thinks it is taking care of me by preventing [whatever you think will happen when you stop.]’ or

• “I am being human. I don’t want to be separated from the crowd.”

Once you make peace with yourself, then you may look at who you want to be. What would that look like?