Hello, I would like some guidance with the models. I have watched the courses 1-5 and attended the webinar this week. Background- I have regular challenges with my team in the US, I find them fake and constantly challenging decision I make. I am based in the UK, work remotely and manage several time zones.
On Monday I had a call with one of the team in the US and we agreed a set of steps in relation to a 3rd party vendor. On Wednesday this person organised a meeting with this 3rd party vendor, did not include me and then after the meeting sends me an message with the rest of the team on CC basically completely changing what we had agreed Monday and proceeding to give instructions on a project that is mine and I am more senior. The webinar came in very helpful here… but this then lead me to feel really annoyed, defensive, asking myself lots of questions. I wanted to know how to model this and get the purpose of the model.
C- Receiving a work related email T- Why is this person going behind my back F- They are trying to undermine me, I feel defensive, A- to replay and re-read the emails, fester this and get myself really annoyed R- Wind myself up so that I then struggle to sleep
Answer:
The Model is intended to help us become aware that we are in control of our results, not our circumstances. We do this by becoming aware of how we think about the things we can’t control, like our coworkers.
It gives you insight into how your brain-on-autopilot responds to life and allows you to choose something different if you don’t like what that creates, or, oppositely, to stick with it if you do.
If your T’s are optional, and they basically prescribe your R’s, then you can choose to think differently and get different results. In doing so, you become the captain of the ship instead of a passenger on it.
Let’s look at your model.
C- Receiving a work related email → Great neutral C. You could make it even less charged by saying, “Receives email from _____” or “Received work email”
T- Why is this person going behind my back → Change this to a statement: “This person is going behind my back”
F- They are trying to undermine me, I feel defensive → Choose one feeling: undermined or defensive. Which do you feel more? Based on your A line, I would guess that undermined is what belongs here
A- to replay and re-read the emails, fester this and get myself really annoyed → What else do you do from a place of feeling undermined? This could be where you see yourself getting defensive (with words, thoughts, or imagined conversations maybe?), asking a lot of questions, and not sleeping (which is in your R line). Another good question to ask yourself is what DON’T you do when you feel undermined?
R- Wind myself up so that I then struggle to sleep → The R line always connects directly to your T, but it isn’t here, which means you haven’t arrived at the true R (what you have here actually belongs in the A-line, as I mentioned).
I would guess that your R is that you’re so focused on what’s going on behind your back and looking for reasons why that you aren’t looking for where your power actually is in this situation…and so undermined cycle continues unchecked.
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