Husband says I’m making symptoms up to get out of doing things

C: Day 6 of intense period. Felt like I was giving birth on Day 3 which was much more intense than normal. Kids both have covid and high temps and very unwell. Husband at work as normal. Went to play hockey as normal. Up all night with little one who kept hallucinating. Said I needed to go back for 10 mins as exhausted and have constant headache. Husbands response you are just making up symptoms to get out of doing things.
T: he does not know me. Ignore him. Wondering if he is a narcissist
F: Hurt/unloved/no kindness
A: called a friend to just get it all out of my system
R: not wanting this to keep on repeating itself. Would appreciate some help. Have repeated what he said to me to him and he denies saying it. This happens a lot.

I would appreciate any help with modelling this and self coaching. Thank you

Answer:

First let’s take a look at your model.

C: Period, kids have COVID and high temps, up with youngest during the night, I said “I need to go back to bed for 10 minutes because I’m exhausted and have a headache.” Husband responded, “You are just making up symptoms to get out of doing things.”

T: He does not know me → Does this lead to feeling hurt or unloved or does it lead more to feeling misunderstood (or something along that line)? If hurt or unloved is what you felt most, could your T be something like, “He thinks I’m lying.” or “He said that to hurt me.”?

F: Hurt/unloved→ Again, I wonder if these are coming from a different thought.

A: called a friend to just get it all out of my system → What else did you do from a place of feeling hurt or unloved? What would the fly on the wall or the wall of your mind be saying if it were to give us a play-by-play of your actions? Also…what didn’t you do?

R: Your R line wasn’t tied to your T, which is what creates our R’s…and it’s likely because your T line needs a little revisiting.

As your model stands, I would guess that your R is that you feel like a stranger in your marriage, and that you might be questioning how well you know your husband. OR it may be that you end up questioning/not knowing yourself. Do you see how these proposed Rs are more directly connected to your initial T? How do they land with you as options, or does something else come to mind? 

Now that this has passed, something that is interesting to do is to use your hindsight. What do you think about how you navigated this situation? What did you do well? What didn’t you do well? You mentioned that this happens a lot so let’s consider what model you’d like to be in if and when it does; what would you like to do differently should something like this happen again? How would you like to be feeling?

Start there and come back for more coaching.