Anger towards my partner

Hi, I am having a lot of anger towards my partner and I think some of it I want to keep but I want some coaching on it. He originally planned to go away for work on Sat and now his trip has been postponed. I had made other plans when I thought he would be away, and now that he isn’t going to be working, he wants me to cancel my plans.

I’m frustrated because if anything, he should get involved in my plans. But he told me that I can go and see my friends at any time and that he’d love for me to change my plans. I don’t want to and I wish he would be more understanding.

Answer:

Notice how all he did was make a request and share his thoughts. He had a thought about what he’d like you to do, that created a feeling that led to him taking the action of saying this to you. That’s all.

But let’s stick with YOU. Why was it a problem that he made this request?

What are the things he’s done or not done that have led you to think that he hasn’t been understanding? Is it true that he hasn’t been? Let’s explore this model:

C: Partner requests that I change my plans and spend time together
T: He’s not being understanding
F: Frustrated
A: [what did you do/not do when you were feeling frustrated?]
R: I’m not understanding

It’s not his job to make you feel better by behaving the way you want him to (which all comes down to the instruction manual that you have for him). Your emotions are YOUR responsibility, through your thinking.

You can choose to visit your friends, he might come with you or he might not, that’s his choice. One of the hardest but also most powerful things we can do in relationships is to let the other person feel their feelings – he might feel disappointed, why would that be a GOOD thing?