We have organised a Christmas holidays as a family. One member is very dominant in my family in general,so I was waiting for the penny to drop during the holidays not now.
For the food budget, we had a meeting on Sunday and we agreed on £100 per adult for the week. J was not here, he came bach in the family chat and said that that it is too much, he wants the contribution to be £60. If it is £100 he would not come.

Unintentional model
C: Je gives an ultimatum to the family
T: my freedom is taken, I have to comply
Je is an idiot anyway
He is older, therefore I need to respect him
This is forceful, we could have a discussion to compromise
F: blackmailed, shamed, resentful, tense
A: ruminating, planning a come back
Demonising him
Not wanting to hurt his wife(my cousin)
R: building more anger
Going into Christmas for a fight

Intentional
C: Je gives an ultimatum to the family
T: he voices his boundaries, I can voice mine with peace
F: fully part as an adult in the family and relaxed
A: lay down my boundaries clearly
Express my plan for the shopping
Hear him
Not judge him
Not project in Holidays catastrophe
R: leaning in being a full adult in my family
Accepting that people are different and I can be myself

 

Answer:

Let’s do a little model work.

C: Keep this as factual and emotionless as possible (words like ultimatum are emotionally loaded) -> Je says “I want the contribution to be £60. If it is £100 I will not come.”

T: Choose one T per model -> My freedom is taken

F: Choose one F per model -> blackmailed (though I think something is underneath this – perhaps powerless? Am I guessing correctly?)

A: What do you do when you feel ______? What don’t you do?

R: This connects directly to your T -> I trap myself in my own mind.

The same goes for your IM…

C: Keep it factual and emotionless -> Je says, “”I want the contribution to be £60. If it is £100 I will not come.”

T: One thought: I can voice my opinion with peace
F: One feeling: fully part as an adult in the family (this sounds like accountable to me, so I’m going to run with it)…
A: lay down my boundaries clearly
Express my plan for the shopping
Hear him
Not judge him
Not project in Holidays catastrophe

leaning in being a full adult in my family 

Accepting that people are different and I can be myself

R: I live aligned with my voice and opinion – I am an accountable, peaceful adult

How can you return to a place of relaxation and accountability when your nervous system slips down the ladder into a place of anger and fear? What will be the thoughts that bring you a sense of safety and peace?

Nice work with your models. Come back when you’re ready for more coaching.