I’ll be 50 years old this month. I’ve been with my partner for 13 years, we have one 9 year old child. Partner chose to retire 5 years ago to turn a hobby in to a new career. I have built a new career which is exciting and time consuming. We both work from home.

I love him, am attracted to him, he’s intelligent and funny. He is a wonderful dad. If I could do what I wanted and no one would get hurt, I would walk away today.

Our issues have been there from the start: I find him overbearing, compulsively critical, unempathetic and arrogant. He finds me infuriatingly slow to learn and act, I lack initiative, I’m passive aggressive, too quiet, disorganised, earnest and want to be seen as worthy.

We exacerbate these characteristics in each other – for example my IQ drops when I’m with him, I can’t focus if he’s in the building (he’s prone to interrupt) I become defensive, these days even when he’s asking an innocent question. I find myself bringing up small oversights on his part to deflect from my own.

Almost every encounter has the potential to flare up. Our sons presence won’t stop him shouting. Our son has had to ask us to stop arguing. Twice my partner has shouted to him that we are not arguing.

When I am calm and dry eyes I will apologise to our son. But he has never seen us make up and told my sister over a year ago that mummy loves daddy but daddy doesn’t love mummy. In general he is a lovely happy funny outgoing kid but I am worried that he feels insecure or will become someone who feels comfort in uncomfortable relationships or will try to fix people.

I have always known that coaching on our style of communication and some ground rules would help us but he would see therapy etc as a sign of failure and becomes extremely agitated if I mention it.

In May I suggested we meet one eve a week to say one thing the other had done that we’d enjoyed / appreciated , and one thing we ourselves would like to work on. We would each organise one date per month. The first session was good with some slippage in to mud slinging but we were both mindful to keep it positive. I took the first (successful) date month but we’ve not gotten round to it since.

After a huge row 2 days ago (he was relentless and cruel, and as always it was in my autumn, which is a huge source of self loathing for me) we committed to starting it up again.

But recently (coming up to 50, receiving through work and friends the love and appreciation I crave) I have felt much less tolerant of the criticism, “jokes” and tension when he’s low. I committed to not allowing arguments to escalate when our son is around so our old pattern of catharsis leading to a softening no longer works to break the tension.

I chose to have a child with this person I’m incompatible with. As a child of divorced parents I worry about breaking this triangle where there is love and continuity and some laughter. Because of my choices he would have to transit between 2 small homes and times would be lean.

We could go back to that place where I invest in us, in my self and soften towards him again, turning the volume down on this 24/7 rebellion in my head. But I keep coming back to 2 facts: I am a hugger, stroker and kisser. One a good day he will be hugged passively and perhaps put one hand on my back. He kisses on lips only. Sex is fine. The second thing is that he doesn’t love me. I feel something that is palpably “love” to me from him every few months when we’ve had a rare run of peace. But I have to be honest: He hasn’t said it for 4 years. When I’ve brought this up as one reason to explore separation or therapy he doesn’t deny it (this takes me aback every time) but leaves it hanging like a carrot – if I just get on and do the things we’ve identified that I must do…

The reason I’m bringing this to coaching now is that he wants to book a long haul holiday early next week for next year before it gets too expensive.

He feels this would help us bond. I have visions of all the rows we’ve had on holidays in front of our son. I vowed 2 years ago to only holiday with other friends. My partner is generally kinder and more affectionate in this setting.

If I say a definitive no he will call it a sign of giving up and may descend in to a funk (he would still go with our boy though). And I would still have to apply myself to living more happily/peacefully with him until I reach a point where I become at peace with this relationship or can make a move.

When I imagine saying yes it doesn’t feel good in my body. Chest tightens. But is this just a new intransigence in me? An addiction to the adrenaline feeling of being at loggerheads? And how would I put a separation in to motion when we dont have a shared language or access to an interpreter (therapist) to guide us through?

Unintentional:

C I want to leave
T oh shit. I can’t jump through the required hoops without pain and chaos.
F tight, fearful, trapped
A paralysis, entrenched, doubting on a loop
R I stay and become to weak (“old”) to either go or to find joy in what is.

Intentional

C I want to leave
T I will invest in my own well-being so that I can feel kinder to self and partner and am strong enough when the time is right
F a bit calmer
A go back to basics. See friends, but take the broken record off for a bit.
R calmer, stronger, living less in my head / imagined future.

Thank you

 

 

Answer:

You’ve put “I want to leave” in your circumstance but your actions say you don’t want to leave. This is where you are feeling so much tension between what you think you want and what you are actually doing. The brain will always choose the familiar uncomfortable over the unknown.

You said “If I could do what I wanted and no one would get hurt, I would walk away today.” Think about your values and what you really want. Is it really walking away? Think about what kind of partner you want to be-whether you are together with this man or not you are connected through your child. Think about what kind of parent you want to be. We can’t know what messages our children get from us, all we can do is believe that their life is going to be exactly what it was supposed to be. You can’t make a wrong choice here. What if it’s ok that there’s some hurt? Right now you are hurting yourself by staying somewhere you don’t want to be. So you just get to decide what your values are. You can choose to stay and make things work and you have every chance of happiness. Or you can choose to go but do it in a way that aligns with your values and your goals and find happiness there as well. Don’t let fear drive your choices, friend. What if everything works out?