We have an open relationship with my boyfriend and he wanted to have a 3rd person we’re dating since we became official. Initially, this wasn’t something I ever thought but was open to experimenting and could see many parts that I would enjoy.
As wounds started to come in certain situations for me (and him), the whole thing became blurred. He indeed asked this when he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was okay with it, but thought this was nice to have.
My deep fear is that he will not make me/us a priority when there is that much investment in a 3rd person. What I needed to see was that he would indeed make the effort. Parts of me do not believe that he would do that. Eventually, what we keep coming to is me saying “I want to make sure “we” are a priority before including someone else”, and him saying this is the main direction I want to go so if you’re not super enthusiastic about the whole thing then there is no need to invest in us.
I also didn’t show up in the best way during some intense moments, and conflicts and put all the responsibility on him. I needed to love and hold myself differently to be able to hold parts of me back then, I see this now. I can see his frustration with all of these. But I still need to be the priority and see his engagement in holding space for different parts of me. A part of me thinks that he will never hold me the way I think I need. It’s more important to him the triad than the 1:1 connection. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this. but also I’m not sure what exactly I want. I think I also want a triad but now that everything is so blurred, I don’t even know what I want.
I did listen to your yes and no s practice multiple times, but all that comes up is I want to be held gently like a delicate flower and be a priority.
To my mind, this whole thing feels stupid. We want the same thing, but I need to feel safe first. I am almost sure we will break up soon if we don’t figure this out. and honestly, I’m tired of this dance that has been going on forever so I want some sort of conclusion.
Yesterday, I was saying to him that I want this too but need to work on us first. and he ended up saying “Well this is really not fun anymore, so I don’t want to try anything”. We have been saying the same things (me” us first”, him: “Of course, we’re very important to me but this is a deal-breaker for me because I told you in the beginning that this was the direction I wanted” ) and not moving forward forever now. My mind is freaking out that “if I can’t be sure that I will be safe why risk anything”. I know safety comes within first and the more inner work It has been the easier it is to handle intense moments that used to bring so much for me. How much of the safety comes within? how to untangle this situation? I deeply love this man and want to create a life together.
Where do I go from here?
Thank you lovely 🧚♂️
Answer:
I want to gently call your attention to a thought that may be keeping you stuck here. You said “we want the same things…” From everything you’ve explained here(and of course we are limited to what you share so of course use your experience as the ultimate authority) …he’s very clear about what he wants and you’re very clear what you want and they do not look the same. Believe him. Look at the facts of what he’s saying.
You’re currently putting a lot of energy into getting him to create a feeling for you. What’s that experience like for you? What models are you in?
Do you want to be putting your energy there?
How can you create safety for yourself? What does your heart tell you?
Start Here
Call Schedule
Recent Call Replays
Ask A Coach
Pep Talks
BIPOC Members
Bonuses
VIP Monthly Calls
Cycle Toolkit
