Context: I suspected a friend thought it was funny /incomprehensible why I hadn’t managed to get more done ahead of time when hosting and she admitted she did. After this conversation we have not spoken.
T: This friend could not hold space for me or understand why I struggled.
F: A lot of frustration and hurt that despite spending so much time explaining all the obstacles I’d faced with being a new mum, breastfeeding, trying to host over 20 people she still couldn’t understand why I didn’t manage to get more done earlier.
A: I had not reached out to her for a while.
R: lack of connection with this friend.
Having listened to Maisie’s recent podcast about unsolicited advice I did reflect on this friendship and felt that there was a definite imbalance in this friendship where I often felt I was being advised on what to do and how to navigate situations and I didn’t feel heard. I deliberately didn’t reach out to this friend for a few weeks and when I did it went ignored which then made me believe she didn’t actually value my friendship at all.
I’m struggling to get to an intentional model as I feel I’m really far off from that. At this point I’m thinking about all the uncomfortable feelings that this has brought up and how I want to move forward from it.
Answer:
No rush to an intentional model, there’s lots of exploring we can do right here. First, give yourself some compassion. Choose on purpose how much energy you want to spend being frustrated about being frustrated with this friend, and how much you want to spend on doing thought work. Perhaps you just need to let yourself be frustrated for a while. What if that was ok? It sounds like you are already doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Your model is good, but let’s clean it up just a little. Can you make your circumstance very factual? What exactly did she say? Did you observe body language? Be objective.
In your thought line, just have one thought. X could not hold space for me. X does not understand why I struggled. These could each be in their own model. Feeling line should be a one word emotion.
Here’s a simplified version, please adjust as you see fit. The goal with any model is clarity.
C: I did x tasks before party and x tasks during. Friend said “x words”
T: Friend could not hold space for me (and she should is an unspoken part of this thought)
F: hurt
A: stop talking to her, judge her, imagine reasons why she acted how she did
R: I don’t hold space for my friend.
It’s natural when you’re hurt or you feel you’re being unfairly attacked to want to be on the defense. How can you tend to those hurts in this moment so you can open up to how you want to address this in the future?
Bring back any questions, insights or models for more coaching.
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