Accepting different physical sensations with different partners

Hi coaches!

Since the first time we met, I, most of the time, have not felt intense sensations with my partner when kissing. I have a hard time accepting this because I have had many enjoyable kisses with other people before when I was really “into” someone (though, indeed, actual relationships with them did not always work out for other reasons). This raises doubts about if the relationship is right for me. I am scared to hurt my partner when I open up about it, because I know they really enjoy kissing.

C: We are kissing and I am not noticing intense reactions in my body.
T: I would feel more if we truly were a match
E: disconnected
S: numb
A: disassociating, withdrawing, stopping and doing something else, doubting myself
R: Feeling “wrong” in the relationship

I have experimented with this model:

T: It’s okay to have different physical preferences with different partners
E: relieved
S: tender
A: I start thinking about initiating a talk where we together find out how to know what feels right when, and how to communicate it. Being open about our thoughts, talking about our socialisation and expectations about physical contact in relationships.
R: The thought alone makes me feel much lighter and “OK” in the relationship.

Perhaps you could let me know what you notice in my models. Implementing the second model creates some “I am scared feelings” because I am afraid to disappoint my partner. If you have any ideas about having difficult but honest conversations, I would appreciate that too. Thanks!

 

 

Answer:

 

These models look pretty dang good. Nice job!

Let’s investigate your UM a little more deeply first. Why would it a problem for you if you decide that you and your partner are not a match?

What I’m noticing in your second model is that the only thing that you mention you might do when you feel relief is think about having a talk with your partner. Is that all? What else you might do if you felt relief because of this thought. What would you stop doing because you feel relieved? How can you revel in it and let the relief take lead for a little bit?

Let’s start here before we dive into having hard conversations – in fact, that would be an excellent separate submission!