Accepting partner doesn’t want help

I’m struggling to accept that my partner does not want help with something that is clearly causing them a lot of mental discomfort. I’ve been suggesting therapy occasionally to them over the years but they’ve always said they’re not ready or don’t think it would benefit them. Last week, they told me something big, which came as a shock – we’ve been together nearly 15 years and they’ve known/felt this way since before we were together and never brought it up or hinted to it before. It was a surprise but I’m also excited to support and explore this with them.

I know I can’t make them seek help if they don’t want it, but when we’ve tried to speak about it they seem dismissive of therapy – “that won’t help”, “I can’t see how talking about it will be useful”, “if I don’t know myself then how can I go and talk about it” etc. and I don’t feel like they’re even considering my opinion or understanding what therapy/coaching can do. I feel conflicted – obviously I won’t try to make them do anything they don’t want to, but I feel like they’re shutting down, which in turn will only allow the strong and confusing thoughts/feelings to build. From the way they told me, it is clear they have a lot of confusing thoughts and feelings that they don’t understand themselves, so I know that suggesting speaking to a professional is a sensible suggestion.

I’ve tried some thought models to try and figure out where I’m at with this conflict, but my intentional models don’t feel true to my own feelings, so they’re not sticking.

I can see how my unintentional thoughts are defensive but I’m not sure how to fix this when it’s something I feel so strongly about. I don’t want to just dismiss or let go of my opinion. Some advice on how I can adjust my intentional thoughts would be really appreciated please!

Unintentional :

C – my partner has said they are not interested in therapy

T – why not? They are shutting down. They are being stubborn/wrong.

F – defensive, frustrated, confused

A – spiralling thoughts, overthinking, avoiding conversation

R – we both end up avoiding talking about it or arguing

Intentional thought ideas so far –
T – why aren’t they interested? how else can I support them? Why do I think they need help? Do they think they need help?

Also – how can I help myself to accept that they might not want any help, even if I can see they’re holding on to complicated thoughts and feelings?

 

Answer:

 

Free will – a gift and a curse, right!? Let’s look at your model (which is well done) and make a few tweaks to streamline it even more…

C – My partner said, “that won’t help” about therapy
T – Why not? Questions in the T line are not helpful. So, choose one of the following per model:

“They are shutting down” or “They are being stubborn/wrong.”
F – Defensive, frustrated, confused. Choose one feeling that goes with the thought you put in the T line.
A – Spiralling thoughts, overthinking, avoiding conversation. What else do you do when you feel this way and think this thing? What DON’T you do?
R – We both end up avoiding talking about it or arguing. Get curious about what your result line is now with a streamlined model…and keep it focused on you!

Your IM is going to be built on the answers to the questions you’ve asked, which are fabulous questions! Questions are what help us uncover what we can think, feel and do and how we can get there. You’re on the self-awareness train for sure. I wonder what comes up for you when you answer your own questions? Get curious about whether anything in here that ties into your question about accepting your partner’s thoughts about therapy and coaching.

Lastly, what do you think that accepting your partner where they are with their thoughts about getting help through therapy and coaching might mean for you, your relationship, or your partner? Why is there resistance to accepting the situation just the way it is? Investigate with compassion and love for yourself.

Come to us when you want more coaching on this. You’re doing good work!