“Acting out” with my partner

Hi coaches.

I have noticed a pattern with my partner where when on my own and with others I can “hold it together” AKA talk calmly about the situation, support myself. I am likely dysregulated but not in an outward way.

My partner then comes home and I go into fawning where I talk in a more whining or childlike voice and start complaining about what’s been happening or that I’m so stressed or that something has gone wrong. This could be as soon as he comes in the door.

A recent example is we have moved into a house and found rats. I have been going into a helpless mode with my partner. For example the other morning I lay in bed scrolling whilst he was getting ready to run errands and then complained to him that he didn’t make me get up when he was ready to go and I wasn’t.

I have also been very over dramatic about the situation with him, talking in a whining voice about dying from rat diseases and sulking around the house.

I had a conversation about this with my partner as he said he felt confused by my differing behaviour when I speak to other people about the rats where I am very calm and measured.

I told him that I am not sure I always know how to ask for what I want, or that I don’t think he will believe me or take me seriously so I then physically act out how I am feeling.

It doesn’t make me feel good to do these behaviours as it doesn’t help me to feel more connected with my partner, and actually it probably doesn’t make him take me more seriously.

Any coaching is appreciated.

 

Answer:

 

I wonder if another result is that you also don’t take yourself less seriously when you see yourself engaging these kinds of behaviors. What, in particular, do you not know how to ask for? What feeling comes up when you think about asking for those?