An Abundant Social Life and Overwhelm

I used to be a very lonely and socially anxious child and teenager, but now, at 35, I feel like I managed to gather a lot of friends and meaningful connections from all walks of life. I prioritize these relationships as I prioritize my romantic one, but I see that they take away a lot of my energy that I want and need to invest in spending time alone. Then also my partner complains about not spending enough time with me, and asking him to step back when we’re home together seems unfair towards him, because I dedicated so much of the week to other people, so why should he be the only one to give me space?
It is absolutely necessary for me to spend time alone often and not meet people every single day, but even as I contact no one, I keep getting invitations or just friends asking if I want to hang out, and I feel terrible saying no – also because some of them are quite lonely or experiencing difficult times, and I feel obligated to support them even when I feel a social burnout. Then I feel depleted, and undernourished in the sense of not fulfilling my need to be on my own and relax.
I sense that I can’t take any social time off because it would be ungrateful of me, considering how far I’ve come. I’m afraid that these connections would not sustain if I stepped away for a while, and I might lose them and relive the loneliness I felt many years ago. Or maybe letting other people’s needs determine my schedule is a form of buffering?
I tried working it out using these models:
Unintentional:
C: Many friends contacting me
T: I’m suffocating
F: Overwhelmed
A: Reply, sometimes apologize, sometimes say no, decide to ignore the phone for a while but never do, lose sleep because of stress, get impatient and increasingly burned out because of sleep depravation
R: Even more overwhelmed
Intentional:
C: Many friends contacting me
T: People appreciate me as a friend; therefore I don’t need to constantly “work” on maintaining these relationships and may ask for some time off
F: Confident
Somehow, I can’t get the intentional model to work, and I’m not convinced by it – maybe I should use another thought (or ladder thoughts)? Or perhaps the feeling I should aim for to break this cycle could be other than “confident”?
Thank you so much in advance!

Answer:

I’d like to offer that the result that you’re creating in the unintentional model you’ve created is actually that you end up suffocating yourself.

I think that the unintentional model you’ve offered here is very real for you, but the reason you’re suffocating yourself is to take every measure to avoid feeling what you don’t want to feel…lonely and socially as an anxious adult. It makes sense that you’re feeling this way – when we think we have a lot to lose, we think that we need to hold onto everything as tight as we can. But you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to suffocate yourself for fear of having too much air if you’re able to breathe.

Both ladder thoughts and identifying a more accessible feeling can help you get closer to your most desirable IM, undoubtedly. Sometimes, however, it’s helpful to start in the A line. What’s one thing you’d like to do to carve out alone time on a weekly basis? Is it saying, “No” once a week to one social invitation? Is it deciding in advance to make one night Your Night, or three hours Your Hours? How would you have to feel to take that action? What thought would create that feeling? Do these things help move you closer to carving out alone time? What, if anything, would get in your way of being in this model and why? Come back with what you discover and how you respond to this exercise in a post titled, “Social Life and Overwhelm pt. 2” In the meantime, watch the Self-Love and/or the Creating Safety webinars in the Cycle Toolkit tab. They’re fabulous and will be very helpful for you at this time.