Anger at partner being ‘lazy’

I am in my autumn. I haven’t been sleeping well, due to feeling slightly overwhelmed with to-do lists, and some potential big life changes.

I am finding myself feeling angry at my partner today. It is an issue that keeps coming up. He finds it difficult to start tasks and how to organise certain tasks. His coping mechanism is to ignore and procastinate. This is particularly obvious at the moment, because he usually works away but at the moment he is working from home. He has been having long lie ins, and then leisurely breakfasts. His day doesnt really start until after midday.

I am the opposite of this – an early riser. I like to get things done early, and have time off in the afternoon/evening.

About 65% of the time, I am able to manage my expectations of him, and allow him to live without needing to control.

The rest of the time, I feel a rising anger. This is mainly coming from thoughts about how much I have to do, and how little he helps around the house. He does help, but I do more. He is not proactive, and I find I need to ask him to do certain tasks. He also complains of being overwhelmed with the amount of things he needs to attend to – but he doesnt make time or focus to attend to them. He just found out that he owes a lot of money, because he didn’t pay a transport charge for travelling into London several times. It feels like living with a teenager.

His sister has ADHD, and I think this profile would also match him too. So although I am angry, I know it is the way his brain works, and it is difficult for him to change. I also know that my anger is not helpful, and it just creates resentment between us.

How do I balance this energy of anger with understanding and acceptance? Where is the line of being over-responsible?

 

 

Answer:

You can take responsibility for your emotions and have compassion for people and still make requests. The goal of self coaching is not to stop caring about things that are important to us. If tasks around the house getting done at a certain time is something you want, you can put that in your R line. Then decide how you want to make it happen. Drop the part where you wish your partner would take the initiative. He’s shown you that it’s not as important to him as it is to you. That’s ok. Own the part that cares more. You both live there and you are both equal. You can’t control another person, but you can get what you really want.

C: household tasks

T: ?

F: What we really want is a feeling. How do you want to feel?

A:?

R: What is the result you want for you? Not your to do list or your partner

It’s ok if part of the ladder to figuring this out is being a bit angry. Let it be there. It’s not a problem.