Anxiety over family health pt 2

Thank you for such a helpful reply. Yes, anxiety is invited to Christmas this year, it would almost be unnatural if they weren’t, given the history, but they don’t get to sit at the head of the table. Here are some messy models.
UM
C: Christmas time
T: Remembering past Christmas traumas and wondering what I’m going to have to deal with this time around
F: anxious, fearful
A: braced, unable to enjoy myself, not present and connected
R: I remember past traumas and anticipate dealing with something again

IM
C: It’s the Christmas following a series of years where my husband and daughter have required emergency medical care
T: I’m actually really good with medical emergencies.
F: Proud and secure
A: connected, able to celebrate
R: I have faith in myself that I can deal with any situation

And the model that I just felt in my chest:
C: It’s the Christmas following a series of years where my husband and daughter have required emergency medical care
T: I know I’m good at dealing with medical things but I feel shame for the after-effect that it has on my nervous system. I want to be strong but I know I’m also incredibly sensitive and I don’t know how much more I can take.
F: Shame
A: unable to enjoy myself, not present and connected
R: I feel bad for falling apart after these ordeals. Even though I wouldn’t expect anything else from anyone else.

That last one resonated and maybe this has uncovered this layer of shame that I couldn’t put my finger on. I’m ok with inviting anxiety for Christmas but I wonder whether I can collect some data to do with the T line if my IM and start to develop those more compassionate neural pathways that embrace who I am and how I deal with things. I can be good at medical crisis. I highly sensitive and will need to ask for what I need in order to accommodate that, eg. Asking family to help so I can have space to process what I’ve had to deal with and doing this on a little and often level.

 

 

Answer:

Let yourself feel those feelings that have come up. The scary ones, the confident, loving ones, they are all welcome.

What if you are the one who gets to define what strong means?  If you were in your most unconditionally loving state and you looked at yourself and what you’ve been through, paint a picture in your mind of what strong really is. What does strong do?

I think it looks like you. When  shame wants to peek its head in to dinner, what will your glorious self do?