Arriving home and mood change

This is something that has come up for a number of years when I go back home to visit my mum. It is also something that can show up in my romantic relationship and so I am intrigued to explore this. With my relationship with my mum I could explain the mood/behaviour change because my nervous system is more activated around her and I feel less safe. However with my partner I do feel safe and usually my nervous system is pretty regulated by his presence.
A recent example is that I arrived home from hosting a grief club event and I came in the door and said hello, which I was proud of myself for as sometimes I am quiet but I wanted to let him know that I was home. However I then heard him moving through the house and tensed up as I didn’t want instant interaction or questions. Instead of verbalising this to him I spoke in what I would call a whiny/baby voice which does come out every now and again and has been coming out more recently, and asked him what he wanted and why had he come all the way to see me. I would call this defensiveness and the sensation is like a hardened barrier that goes up and I can be snappy.
We have spoken about this several times as for him he would like a cuddle as soon as he or I get home, and I am not always ready for that and so he does know that and he has started asking me if I would like a hug so I have the opportunity to say no. But I guess I am making it a problem that I don’t want to act how he wants.
I haven’t yet identified a specific thought that underlies these feelings and reactions and so would love to explore this to eventually create an intentional model so that I can build connection rather than push him away.

 

Answer:

 

First, this is some beautiful self-awareness you’re bringing not only to yourself, but to your relationship, and a sturdy platform to work off of.
Here’s the model I see from your submission about your recent example:
C: Come home from grief circle, say, “Hello,” and hear noises
T: I don’t want to interact or be asked questions
F: Defensive
S: Tension, hardened barrier goes up
A: Snappy, whiny baby voice, ask why he came all this way to see me, ask him what he wanted
R: I interact in a way that I don’t want to
How does that look to you? What comes up for you when you see it written out this way?
Why is it a problem that you don’t want to act how you think he wants you to?
Let’s start here. Come back when you want more coaching on this and we’ll continue! You’re doing good work.