Autistic, psychopath, or neither?

I’ve posted this in the community but thought I’d also submit it for Ask a Coach.

Ever since listening to Maisie’s podcast episodes about autism, I have started wondering whether I might be somewhere on the spectrum. I have always been highly sensitive to sounds, smells, crowds (among probably a full list of other things) and an introvert – and know I’m wondering whether those two characteristics are just part of being autistic. I’ve done a few self-assessments online and they vary a bit in terms of their outcomes, and when I once worked with a coach privately and brought up this thought she said she doesn’t think I’m autistic (and she has a child who is on the spectrum). All this to say that I don’t feel comfortable self-diagnosing.

However, on Friday something happened that makes me want to explore this topic further, and I would love to get coaching on how to evaluate the situation below and what next steps might be to explore this topic further for me.

On Friday night, my husband and I went grocery shopping. When we went to the checkout, he realized that he hadn’t brought his wallet, so I had to pay. (Important context: 1) I am typically doing the major bulk of our grocery shopping, partly because I am bit fussy around getting most stuff from Riverford, the local farmers market, and local independent health food stores rather than from big supermarkets, and partly because I’m doing most of the cooking/baking at home so I know what we need in the house, 2) on that day, I had checked my account balance, which was lower than I had expected, leaving less room for savings this month.)
I gave my husband a slightly frustrated look and paid and thought we were just going to move on. However, he perceived my look as deeply hurtful (in his words, it was as if I was looking at scum), particularly because it was in front of the cashier. In that moment, I understood that my look wasn’t the nicest thing to do, but I also felt like it really wasn’t that big of a deal (and the fact that what seemed to matter so much was that it had happened in front of a strange person reminded me of other situations in which he was upset about my behavior towards him, e.g. raising my voice when I felt like he was treating me unfairly, and it has always felt like he is trying to keep up some sort of facade in front of others and it doesn’t matter what’s really going on underneath), so I apologized for the look I gave him. However, this wasn’t enough for him and we started a vicious cycle: He wanted a sincere apology from me, but I felt like I had already given him as much of a sincere apology as I could.
I really tried to be empathetic and apologise as deeply as I could – but when he asked me to explain why I shouldn’t have given him this look, I couldn’t really find any words for it.
By the time we got home, I felt really miserable because I just wanted us to get back on track, but he was really upset and kept saying that I can’t take this look back.
By that time I couldn’t even remember anymore when exactly this look had happened and what it looked like.
He started questioning my ability to empathize – which is when I mentioned that I had been wondering whether I might be autistic. His response then was that this behavior was more akin to a psychopath and suggested that I might be a psychopath.
At that moment, I just wanted to have peace, so I didn’t really react to this. But this morning, when doing a conscious dance practice, all of a sudden I felt deeply hurt by his comment.

I have noticed that it can be quite challenging to imagine what other people might be feeling in a given situation, and then respond accordingly – and especially when I then feel attacked because someone feels hurt by something I did although I had no bad intentions, it is almost impossible for me to just acknowledge that I did something wrong – it almost feels like that step lies behind a locked door. I will say that the only situations (or at least the vast majority) when this happens are with my husband.

So, to come back to the beginning of my post: I would appreciate some help to think this through and find potential resources to determine whether I am in fact a psychopath (which I doubt!), autistic, or neither of the two.

 

 

Answer:

If you knew exactly how to find out if you are autistic, what would you do? Put it in your result line. Why is it important to you to know? What do you think you’ll get to feel if you have a definitive diagnosis? Pick a thought that will create it for you now and then use that emotion to help you in the process of finding what you need.

Is your husband trained to detect psychopaths? If not, your husband’s words only tell us about him. Looking at your story what we see is that he is a person who doesn’t know that his thoughts create his feelings. That’s ok! Most people on earth don’t know that.  Can you have compassion for him as you look back at this with some space? What do you think was going through his mind when you suggested autism as an explanation for your behaviour towards him while he was feeling deeply hurt? Notice how you also believe that how you show up comes from other people’s behaviour, especially your husband. This is a great observation because it gives you evidence that it’s possible to react to him the way you do to others. What thoughts do you have about your husband that you might not have about others?