Befriend inner critic

Hi coaches,
I’d love some help on my autumn goal. It’s “befriend my inner critic”.

I’ve lately started to become more aware of how much my inner critic runs / ruins my life. This part of me divides any activities I do in my free time into worthwhile (exercise; practising my musical instruments; even socialising, etc.) or not worthwhile (scrolling; watching telly (binge or regular)). If I do something not worthwhile without having earned it first by doing something worthwhile, I beat myself up about it and feel guilty and like a waste of space.

I think the distinction above is sort of acceptable as I do agree with my inner critic on what is a good and a bad use of my time. The ‘worthwhile’ activities are usually ones I really want to do (and I like my reasons for wanting to do them). Only, the critic needn’t be that harsh.

But the main issue is that my inner critic takes away all the joy from the activities it deems worthwhile by making them a chore, and giving me a constant stream of “you should practise” whenever I sit down on the sofa.

The UM I’m in is C: sofa after work / at the weekend T: I should practise F: guilt A: scroll, tv R: I don’t practise.

I tried to combat this with IMs via the Ts “I choose to practise”, “Sometimes, I enjoy practising”, “I wonder how practising would go today?”, etc. but the ‘shoulds’ keep on coming. In addition to this, I’m now also judging the judging, i.e. have developed a second inner critic who criticises the first, adding another layer of judgement!

To change tack, I’ ve come up with my goal for autumn, which intends to get rid of judgements of the judgements, and to befriend my inner critic instead. The idea is to accept that I have an inner critic, and maybe even develop some understanding and compassion for it, without necessarily believing what it has to say.

This will hopefully support me find enjoyment in activities that I want to do, but that I currently think I “should” do (which kills the enjoyment). I’ll know I have achieved this when I can feel relaxed (on most days) about not practising (exercising, etc.) all day, and when I can enjoy doing things I don’t really consider worthy of my time, such as watching tv, playing games on my phone, browsing. Then, the inner critic will have a lot less power over my experience.

My rocks are to

a) Intentionally listen to my inner critic and understand what it needs. (I know it will come up whenever I have some free time.)
b) Attend as many group coaching sessions as possible to get a chance at getting live coaching.
c) Get coaching on understanding what my inner critic needs and how to give it to it

I wonder if my goal is realistic?  Is there another approach to deal with inner critics? Any suggestions for better rocks?

Much thanks!

 

Answer:

I love that goal, and I think it’s totally realistic. Why are you questioning it? It would be interesting to start to understand what your thoughts are about this goal, both the ones that feel good and the ones that don’t. Sometimes setting impossible goals is exactly the right thing to do.

As for your inner critic, what would Love say? Remember that you’ve spent years cultivating this response – your critic is basically driving a corvette on a freeway, and you’re grabbing the wheel and saying, “We’re actually going to drive down this dirt road instead now.” It’s going to feel rocky, and bumpy and unfamiliar. And that’s okay. What would Love say? You’ve got this, and we’ve got you. Come back to us when you’re ready for more coaching!