being alone

Hello wonderful coach,
so I have been in relationships most of my adult life, often shifting from one to the next one without much work on closing chapters and probably didn’t really process most of my past break ups. The last relationship finished two years ago and the break up left me in the darkest place I have ever been. I really suffered a lot and my mental health was not good. I made a commitment in that moment of not falling into the old pattern of covering all this up with another relationship and tried to be on my own ever since.
I grew in many ways and also asked for help through therapy and being here in the flow collective, I am in a very different place now and am very proud of how far I have come.
Well all this sounds awesome, now, what’s the problem?
I am often confused about one thing.

So during these past two years I did have contact with a few men. Some of them were just a flirt, some I dated for a short period of time, and with one guy in particular we have a bit of a weird thing going on, which is that we really liked each other for a few months but then the thing got complicated and since then we are not together, we see each other very very rarely, but talk a lot through messages and calls and we are kind of there for each other with affection but nothing practical in real life. I decided I want to put an end to this situation because it’s been spinning in circles and occupies a lot of space in my head, and it never becomes something real. When I think about ending it, not good enoughness, fear, sadness and loneliness are showing up.

So I wonder if this situation with him is substituting my need to be in a relationship to cover everything up. I think I need somebody to tell me that he cares, that I am beautiful, that he is there for me. And maybe there is nothing wrong with needing others, but I think this need is coming from a feeling of not enoughness.
I would really love to give myself the gift of experiencing being alone and feeling good about it. I think I do many things for the fear of being alone. Loneliness scares me so much that I do all sorts of things to avoid it. I think if I could face being alone and have a good experience my life would change quite a lot.
There is also a voice inside my head which says “it’s ok to need others” and “it’s a normal need to share love with another human being”.

Would love to hear somebody else’s take on this.
Thank you so much for listening to my brain and have a lovely day!

 

 

Answer:

Take a moment and celebrate what you’ve done already. You recognized a pattern that was no longer working for you and made choices to help you break that pattern. You’ve looked inside at things that aren’t easy to look at and now you’ve come to a place where you are ready to take another step. All of that shows that you do believe in yourself. You know what you want. You can see that it’s not you that isn’t enough, it’s this not-so-real relationship.

Look at the difference when you put these thoughts into models.

C: I communicate with x

T: Loneliness scares me so much that I do all sorts of things to avoid it.

F: How do you feel when you think that thought?

A: how do you show up? What do you do or not do?

R: what is your result?

C: I communicate with x

T: I would really love to give myself the gift of experiencing being alone and feeling good about it

F: how do you feel when you think this thought?

A: How do you show up in this situation?

R: what is your result?

Of course your brain is scared of letting go of this relationship. Instead of using your imagination to worry about what life will be like without it, think of all the ways this is going to bring you so much closer to being the person that you want to be. That version of you that knows your own worth. How will 80 year old you tell this story?