being queer?

Hi Coaches,

I am suspecting I might be queer.
Whenever I picture my future being with a man in recent months, it’s like someone whispers in my ear, saying “or a woman”. It’s not super surprising, because I have had this thought before when I was younger, but have never really entertained the thought further.
It feels incredibly vomitty to say all of this. My brain offers me a lot of dramatic thoughts.. But here I am 💪🏼

C: Thoughts pop up that I might want to be in a relationship with a woman.

T: I am not worthy (being queer would only add to my already not-enoughness of being in my 30s and being single, no kids, not owning a home etc.)
F: shame
S: sinking feeling, tension
A: think about how this is all too much, think about all the ways that I am already unworthy. Cry
R: not worthy

T: I just want to be normal for once
F: fear
S: tension, thight throat,
A: think about how I don’t belong anywhere, cry, think about how I will be abandoned and excluded from society
R: I feel not normal and like an outcast

T: how can you be 33 and not know yourself at all?!
F: anger/Shame
S: sinking feeling, tension, heat
A: make myself wrong, think about how this is an impossible situation that I am putting myself into and how complicated this all is and that this is my fault
R: I hide

T: am I really interested in women, or am I just afraid of men?
F: confused
S: empty
A: racing thoughts, rumination,
R: I am confused

T: what will people think?
F: fear
S: tension, tight throat, sinking feeling
A: ruminate about what would happen if I really am queer and how people would react to it, ruminate about being rejected and abandoned
R: I think badly about myself and other people.

T:I don’t know what to do/ I’m lost
F: fear and dissapointment
S: tension, low energy, sinking feeling
A: rumination, indulge in the confusion, don’t take any action.
R: I’m lost

I just want to give myself the biggest hug now..

Thanks for your help.

 

 

Answer:

A big hug sounds perfect right now.  What if this confusion is all part of the process? Nothing is going wrong.  The only thing I would encourage you to work on is your own self judgement. The world needs you, just the way you are. No one is normal. What does that mean to you, really, if you could write down what a normal human ought to be like? See what underlying beliefs you have bouncing around in your head.

In your first model, I would shift the result just a bit.

T: being queer would only add to my already not-enoughness of being in my 30s and being single, no kids, not owning a home etc.
F: shame
S: sinking feeling, tension
A: think about how this is all too much, think about all the ways that I am already unworthy. Cry
R: I reject myself

I would gently offer that you lean in to loving yourself. What do you know about you that you like?