Being very reserved around men

Hello coaches, I’ve noticed a pattern that I would like to change. I find it very difficult to connect with (heterosexual) men. Literally, as soon as I sense that a man might approach me, I completely shut down. For example, there’s this really nice guy working at my local supermarket. And I think he likes me. And I’ve noticed how I turn into this really cold person when I see him at the supermarket (although usually I’m a very smiley and polite person). I assume that this behavior is a survival mechanism I learned since I had toxic relationships with my dad, my brother and a former flatmate. I usually have really good instincts around people, but somehow I find it difficult to trust my instincts when it comes to men. I’ve tried to create a specific model that allows me to be more open. However, if you think another approach would be more helpful, I would be grateful for suggestions! Thank you x

C: a man could approach me
T: “it will be awkward” (or: “he won’t be the right guy anyway”)
F: fearful
A: being avoidant, shutting myself off
R: not using opportunities

C: a man could approach me
T: I can handle the situation (either politely deny or accept if it feels good)
F: curious
A: being open
R: getting to know someone better

 

Answer:

Quickly, let’s take a look at your R lines. Remember that these are directly connected to your T line. In your first model, I’d guess that the result you create is that you have an awkward experience. In your IM, I would guess that the result you’d like to create is that you find that you can handle the situation. How do these land? Can you see the connections differently?

When we notice that there’s something we’d like to work on with ourselves, it’s easy to let our brains tell us that the improved version of us would be doing the opposite of what we’re currently doing. I can see that here…if you’re not cold and untrusting of heterosexual men, you’re open and trusting. What if that’s not the only option?

When we give ourselves permission to not have to take the massive leap to our end goal, we create opportunities for us to succeed in small, important and impactful ways. What other experiences of yourself would you like to have when a heterosexual man approaches you? Some options to consider could be: aware, calm, excited, unbothered, or disinterested. Create this list without judgment and notice what your brain does when you are done. Come back to us with what you discover, and where your brain starts to resist these possibilities.