Best friend fallout

Hello
I had a fall out with one of my oldest friends in 2019 at a wedding abroad. I had recently left London and was so excited to be reunited and spend quality time together, but she had things going on with her husband I was unaware of and she seemed distant and sensitive, I took it personally (was in my winter) and we had a small fall out which caused me to have a bit of an emotional crash…tears, unable to talk to anyone..was desperate to escape and was prepared not to see anyone again…this was all before I knew I was experiencing pmdd symptoms and suspected adhd. I went home and basically grieved the loss of the friendship because I thought my reaction was so embarrassing and impossible to come back from.

Shortly after I discovered the fc and everything started to make more sense with cycle sensitivities and nervous system responses, so I’ve been trying to build myself up from a very low ebb, just generally feeling a total lack of self esteem, worth and not loving life. Every month until recently I will always have a cry in late autumn about feelings of loneliness, paranoia about friendships and particularly with this person.

The fc has helped so much, I feel like myself again and I’ve had my word of the year as connection which has worked wonders. I’ve made things happen to get to know people in my local area, feel far more connected to my family (husband and kids, sisters, parents) and have been making an effort to see my old friends, including the one in question.

I was out for dinner with her this weekend and all felt pretty nice and normal. On going home I looked at Instagram and there were photos of her on a recent trip to Italy with 2 people, her and one other are who I consider my closest friends in the world. This is the 3rd holiday they’ve taken without me, and without me knowing since the wedding. I just feel disappointed with my reaction.. envious, loneliness, paranoia, embarrassment, like maybe it’s just a total one sided feeling of closeness, and they don’t rate or value my friendship.

Over the last few months I’ve felt more resilient, just trying to focus on the future connections I want. But I couldn’t help feeling hurt and rejection. I also have had situations with people at school where I’ve felt I want to connect with people I like, but I know I’m on the periphery of social groups for whatever reason. i used to think I was pretty good at making friends but every month it comes up and I question my whole personality/likeability!

I’m not sure how to move on from this. Whether I need to sit with these feelings or coach myself out of it. Or a bit of both. I have never spoken about the argument to my friend so its a bit like the elephant in the room. But we see each other so rarely I don’t want to spoil things, or get emotional. We all turn 40 next year having been friends for 30+ yrs. I would love to do something with them but don’t want to face more rejection.

Unintentional
C my friends go on holiday every year.
T they don’t want to spend quality time with me
F rejection
A cry / sadness
R nothing gets resolved. Feel distant and lonely.

Intentional
C my friends go on holiday every year
T I’ve come far in my recovery from a battering from my hormones
F hope that they’ll see the old me
A arrange more casual meet ups
A possibly have an open chat with friend about the last few years
R slight improvement in relationship

Sorry for the length. I feel embarrassed about posting this with all the big issues going on. But any help gratefully received

Thank you

Answer:

First thing is first, you never need to apologize for anything here, nor do you need to minimize what you’re experiencing in your life. It’s valid, it’s challenging for you, and we are here to help you navigate it.
In Maisie’s recent podcast (episode 94), and in the subsequent coaching call on Emotions, Maisie discussed the idea of imagining an emotion that’s challenging for you to feel walking up to your door and ringing the bell or knocking. You get the chance to ask this emotion, “What are you doing here?” Let’s ask that question of rejection. Why is it here on your doorstep? What does it have to tell or teach you? Take into account where you are in your cycle – whether rejection is making it’s monthly rounds and trying to TP your house, or if it’s a surprise visit during your spring or summer and there for a genuine conversation.

Secondly, looking at your models, I wonder if there is a connection between healing from the battering you took from your hormones and beginning to heal relationships that also took a battering during that challenging time in your life? What do you think? In any case, if you haven’t already, be sure to listen to podcast epidode 94, and/or watch the Coaching Call on Emotions. Come back to us when you’re ready for more coaching on this with a submission titled, “Best friend fallout pt 2.”