Blaming Myself for Stillbirth Pt. 2

Thank you for your response. It’s helpful to see the effect of shame and that the result is that I’m punishing myself.

I can also see that having a medical explanation, supported by my identifying a possible source of infection, has provided some clarity and comfort for my brain. Before the post mortem results I didn’t blame myself in the same way, but for me this meant that I was trying to consider every possible reason and work out how I could cover all bases (pre-conception health, everything I came in to contact with, everything I did) so that whatever it was couldn’t happen again, which of course felt overwhelming and impossible.

You’re saying that it’s okay that I’ve blamed myself all this time has also helped me to realise something. I have no trouble believing that it’s okay that I’ve been blaming myself. It feels like how it should be. I haven’t until now entertained the possibility that that could shift, and I think that’s why I’ve been feeling like I have a secret. I’m open about what happened, but my secret is, or has been, that I blame myself – I know it was my fault – and always will. I’m not open about that because I know people don’t want me to think that way, and that they don’t agree. But the things that people say about how I can’t know what caused it and that I’m not responsible, just don’t penetrate at all. I have a deep knowledge that it was the food I ate in Italy on my birthday and that I could have prevented it.

But yes, I do now see that it could be different. That it could be possible for me to stop blaming myself. Asking myself whether I’m ready to stop punishing myself brings up a lot of emotion and I’m spending time sitting with it and noticing how it feels in my body. My answer is yes, but my thoughts are that it will be hard and take a long time – be a gradual process. And I wonder whether that’s an unhelpful place to be coming from.

The more intentional thoughts I’ve been trying out are feeling helpful and believable. I’ve been thinking how I would have done anything to keep her safe. Which is completely true. And how therefore if I could have prevented it I would. And so it follows that I couldn’t prevent it.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on where I could take this next.

Answer:

I’d like to point out that after one response to a vulnerable submission, you were able to make a massive mental shift and think, ‘It’s possible for me to stop blaming myself.’ You’ve been living in a place where considering not blaming yourself was impossible for years. Shifting into possibility that you won’t always blame yourself is a big step and it happened in a matter of days. You have literally JUST shown yourself that it doesn’t to take a long time for big change to happen.
This doesn’t mean that it will be easy, nor does it mean that it’s not a gradual process, but you are laying the foundation for change as you read this, and it’s possible that this change could happen much faster than you believe is possible for you right now. Of course, this isn’t a pressure filled experience, and it’s important for you to move and grow at a pace that is right for you, and we’re here to help you along your way.
Your ladder thoughts are fabulous. What feelings come up for you when you think those thoughts? What do you do from this place? What don’t you do? What result do you think you create for yourself? Allow yourself to process and be in this new space and get familiar with possibility. Now that it’s an option to you, explore what it might mean for you if you weren’t blaming yourself. Lastly, it would be worth reflecting on how and why you were able to step into this place of possibility – this is something that you created, and it’s worth knowing how you got there for when you have an opportunity to do it again. Come back to us when you’re ready.