Blaming Myself for Stillbirth Pt.3

Thanks again for the coaching on this. It’s really helpful to acknowledge the shift I’ve achieved and how quickly I was able to achieve it. And also to reflect on how I did this, which I think boils down to being open – to experiencing everything that Anna’s life and death has brought me, to allowing my thoughts and emotions, to the Finding Peace After Pregnancy Loss call, to coaching, and ultimately to the possibility of change.

I’ve been doing some models on my ladder thoughts and settled on a few that are most helpful to practise. These are: “Life can’t be controlled”, which creates a feeling of clarity and results in me releasing control and giving myself a break; “illness is part of life”, which creates a feeling of sadness and results in me being able to feel the sadness without the blame; and “if I could have prevent it, I would”, which creates a feeling of longing and results in me recognising that I couldn’t prevent it.

These thoughts feel really believable and helpful, and I can sometimes also believe what I’ve arrived at as my goal thought: I’m human and I did the best I could. My intentional model for this is below.

C: Anna’ death
T: I’m human and I did the best I could
F: Compassion
A: Acknowledge my humanity; offer myself compassion; accept that I couldn’t prevent it; don’t search for answers or reasons; detach from blame
R: I stop punishing myself.

I’m going to keep practising the ladder thoughts which I think will support this goal thought becoming more believable more often. And I’m ready to celebrate that I’ve decided to stop blaming and punishing myself. I know that the other thoughts will still be there. But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t changed my thinking or that I’m not achieving the results in my intentional models. I’ll keep redirecting my brain as necessary as I do with any topic that I’m working on managing my mind around. This isn’t somehow worse or harder, and I can apply the same approach here as I do elsewhere. Over time these more helpful thoughts – this version of the story, will become more and more dominant.

I’d love any further thoughts or coaching on where I’ve got to and what I’ve said here.

 

Answer:

What you’ve come up with is brilliant. Continue on with your plan and work towards your goal with so much gentleness and compassion. As you do, it might be interesting to think about the ripple effects of you letting go of the blame and shame. Where else will you be able to use what you’ve learned? How can you incorporate this into how you see other people and how you show up in the world?  It’s enough just to do what you are doing within yourself. It can be powerful to think about how you’ll look back on this moment and the story you will tell. When you’re ready.