Blaming self for things that aren’t my fault

Hello lovely coaches,

I have not made any progress yet towards my Autumn goal, which was to be kinder and more loving towards myself (more specifically, to stop being so angry at myself). I fall into anger at myself so easily, and it’s something I’ve been working on in therapy for a few years now. There are so many different layers to this, and examples, but for now, I’ll focus on one big one I’m dealing with at the moment.

I’ve been dealing with quite a big trauma over these last few months but haven’t mentioned it in TFC yet. During the summer, I decided to freeze my eggs. It felt like a really empowering decision at the time. I just turned 35 and I’m single, and I really want to have a baby. I found this gorgeous clinic with amazing reviews that a friend was going to as well. But once I paid them everything… I started getting bad, uncaring vibes from them and started to regret my decision. But I kept going. I was pumped up on hormones and thought any doubts I was having/ any emotions about it was down to the hormones. I thought it would be a difficult few weeks, but then I would be so happy to have this “insurance”. Things started going wrong and when it got to the day of the procedure, I really didn’t want to go through with it. I felt like my gut was screaming at me to back out… But I didn’t. And it was horrifying. I wasn’t sedated properly, so I felt everything they did to me. I was in complete agony but couldn’t speak or open my eyes. When I woke up enough to communicate, I was completely dismissed by the doctors and nurses. I couldn’t really walk for four days and ended up in the Emergency department a few days later because of a post-op infection. I’m still dealing with the trauma (and I am seeing medical professionals to help me process it all).

Logically, my brain knows that this wasn’t my fault, and I’ve talked it through a lot in therapy. But a new therapist I’m seeing for EMDR mentioned “felt beliefs” vs beliefs in our head. Something deep down in me feels so angry at myself for putting myself through it. I was getting all the signs to walk away and I didn’t, and I’m angry at myself for not listening to my gut. When Maisie led us through the visualization in the Autumn workshop, where we listened for messages in different parts of our bodies, including our ovaries, the message I got from my ovaries was “why did you do this to me”.

 

 

Answer:

What would you gently answer to your ovaries? Why did you do this?

What would you gently answer to the part of you that is angry and has a lot of regrets about this procedure?

What if instead of seeing your anger as a flaw, you embraced it and brought it close?

You are an incredible, magical, whole and worthy human being. There’s nothing you have to do to earn it and there’s nothing you can do that will take it away.