Book proposal burnout

Hi,
I took a recent holiday and have written another ask a coach about how I have felt so burnout since stopping work, and coming back, that I’m struggling to get started again.
This is largely related to freelancing. But it’s also in the case of another project I was working on before the trip. I got a funded place on a non-fiction book proposal course. And put together a first draft of this proposal. It was a 2 month long course, which I did on top of launching myself freelance and starting a part time job…. and to be honest I think it pushed me over the edge!
The book proposal itself has had feedback now, and it’s positive. I’ve been recommended agents to pitch to, and there’s a clear argument for it’s existence and a gap in the market for it.
But I have lost all motivation for it!! I would need to write a first chapter to be able to start submitting it. But I feel no drive, just quite empty and zapped around it.
This is frustrating me, because it would be a dream to get the chance to write a book, and it would be the thing that would single-handedly accelerate my writing career as a freelancer too. There are so many reasons to do it.
But something I struggled with when putting it together is that the theme of it is very personal, around my identity. It’s about bisexuality – and it took a lot out of me to think about write so much about myself, as well as the challenges our community face etc.
I also talked myself out of it multiple times, due to not being good enough or not having interesting enough things to say……….. And even started to panic that I’m not bisexual! This is linked to a recurrent anxiety, of ‘what if I’m a lesbian’. It’s something my mum used to accuse me of growing up, as if it was the worst case scenario, and I feel like I’ve internalised that. Despite coming a long way on my journey, working for an lgbtq+ charity, dating a mix of genders (and yes, still being attracted to men)…
But something about writing a book on this felt so scary and concrete and trapping – like, what if it emerged that I’m not bi and I’m a fraud? I don’t know if it’s a form of identity themed commitment phobia!! Or if it’s also another way that my brain is putting me down, to keep me safe and not talk about all of this…
I’m scared of writing more about my personal life in it too, which may be holding me back. And being seen in this way.
It may also be that i’ve just needed a break to recover from so much work focus before the trip and that’s ok..
But the plan was to write the first chaper and tweak the first draft this month, so I can start pitching to agents in september. But I haven’t even started.
I don’t want to give up on it out of fear, and I don’t know how to tell the difference here.
Do you have any tips on untangling this?
Thank you

 

Answer:

 

First of all…OMG this is incredibly exciting to hear! Congratulations! Have you listened to any of Maisie’s podcasts where she mentions the process of writing her books? They are phenomenal, and may help you find some ways to talk to yourself about this opportunity that are supportive.

What I’m seeing here are all of the reasons why you wouldn’t pursue this, so from this end of the line, it makes a lot of sense as to why you’re feeling unmotivated if these are the dominant narratives. What are the reasons you would want to write the chapter? Why might it be an important to do just that?

I can hear Mars’ voice in my head saying, “So what if it turns out you’re a lesbian? So what if you’re scared?” (obviously with the utmost love and compassion). Ask yourself what you really want for yourself. What if it were possible to pursue what you want and support yourself fully through the process?