Boundaries continued… Thank you for your response to my query about withdrawing from my daughter. (03/14/2022) I have thought about the reason that I withdrew and in theory I can see that I attach too much meaning to her actions. The problem is that withdrawing at that point is to stop myself from expressing my anger with her. I had been super patient all morning but I was really aware that I was being patient (it was quite fake) and very aware of the time. She then would not wash herself in the bath (I am a big control freak – I feel due to circumstances, I have had to parent alone A LOT) so I snapped. I felt that I didn’t want to turn everything into a game, nor should I have to. At some point I just wanted her to do what she was told, get out of the bath so we could get on with the day. A few years ago this would have sent me into “the rage” and I have worked so hard to control my responses. So from where I am at, walking away from her (when she was safely out of the bath obs!) was better than loosing my shit and shouting or saying something I would regret. I am not sure how to get from -trying to be more patient to ACTUALLY being more patient. You asked how I will communicate my boundaries moving forward and I suppose there are two things; notice that I am not actually calm EARLIER, and set a boundary earlier. By the time we had got to the bath situation I don’t know if I could have had those clear thoughts you suggested about her actions Vs MY THOUGHTS about her actions.
Answer:
Thank you for writing back to explore this further. You have great awareness to what is going on for you, and how you are feeling.
It seems as though by “faking” being patient, you are resisting what you are actually feeling in the moment. It is as if whatever feeling you are having, you think you “should not” have. The problem with that is that you are resisting whatever feeling that is. (Is it annoyance? Frustration? Something else?)
The problem with resisting that feeling, as you noticed, is that at some point, that pressure builds up from trying to hold it back, and the emotions pop out. You have enough awareness to get yourself removed from the situation; however the release of emotion is still there.
What would it look like from that first moment in the morning, if you acknowledged what you felt? It might sound something like “Of course I’m feeling frustrated. I think my child should listen the first time I ask her to do something.”
Notice the feeling in your body. Instead of pushing it away, when you acknowledge it, notice the sensation it is creating in your body. Where is it? What does it feel like? Breathe into it as you acknowledge it, and show yourself some compassion for that feeling being there. What do you think your morning would look like if you allowed that feeling to be there from the start?
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