Boundaries and saying no

Hi
This is something I really struggle with, and im not sure if it connected to my ADHD/Autism, but an incident this week has brought it to the front of my mind and I would love help in how to deal with it.

Basically, another school mum I am quite friendly with stopped by for a chat. She was saying she now has her ex have the kids on a Saturday night, and she was at a loss what to do with herself etc.

I was telling her that I never really get a night off, and i’m fine with that, as once my little boy is asleep I’m in my PJs and get and hour of TV to switch off before I am in bed myself as I am always exhausted in the evening.

She then suggested I come to her house on Saturdays for a girly night and she would cook.

I don’t do girly, and i’m not comfortable with people cooking for me.
I didn’t say anything, I just didn’t know what to say, but then she suggested we could go for a walk instead, she proposed a 10 mile hike with a stop off half way to watch the sunset and walking back in the dark.
much as I love walking, I am way too tired to walk 10 miles at night, and well, I just don’t want to do it!
On the spot, I had no idea what to say without sounding like I hated the idea, and in the end said “ha ha, sounds great” !!!!

I woke up at 2am worried sick about how to get out of it, how to explain that I really didn’t want to spend Saturday nights with her and would actually rather spend time with my family,

This is something that happens quite often, people suggest we do something together, i’m not comfortable or just plain outright don’t want to do it, but I end up committing then either taking part reluctantly or quitting after a couple of times etc. or I just switch off and ignore it all and hope they never actually come back and say “so are we doing it?”

I feel like I am letting people down, or I feel trapped into just agreeing to get them to just shut up and leave me alone until I have to eventually face up to what it is I have agreed to do.

These incident always seem to catch me unaware and unprepared, spur of the moment so to speak, I then get terrible anxiety around it and take it out on my family who roll their eyes and tell me to “just tell them you don’t want t do it”
I would love some tool or thought process I can use in that split second response they expect, that I can use instantly in those moment I seem to lack.

I hope that makes sense
Many thanks

 

Answer:

Great question. I think before looking at tools of how to respond to a request that you don’t want to do, let’s look at your current model.

C: Person invites you to do something that you don’t want to do
T: I’ll let them down
F: Trapped
A: Agree, don’t follow up, reluctantly do, or quit early. dread going, don’t tell them that I don’t want to do it, don’t tell them something I would want to do
R: I let myself down

By going against what you want to do or don’t want to do, you let yourself down. You put yourself in a position that leads to you feeling worried sick.

You also let the other person down by not being honest with them. They think you are saying yes because you want to do the thing. They may not understand why things change. What do you think is different for you between letting them down when they ask vs later?

For the friend who is looking to do something on Saturday night, how do you want your relationship to be in regards to time spent together, how much you talk, etc? How do you want to show up as a friend?

It may be helpful to write these answers down. Imagine whatever you wrote, the other person will love. The reason for this is that you take other’s expectations out of it, and focus on what you want.

Once you know what you want in your relationship, what would you want to say to your friend who invites you to do things on Saturday night?

Imagine that your friends only want to know what you are willing to do. How would you want to answer other invitations?