Boundaries related to partners emotions

I have a question related to my relationship of 14 years.
My partner has dealt with addiction recovery and trauma recovery for the last decade or so. During that time I found it important to support him in his proces. However, this has resulted in quite a codependent pattern where I feel very responsible for his wellbeing and take actions to prevent him from a relapse, felling upset etc. He also stoped working about 8 years ago because of burnout as a result of stress and trauma. For a while he received walfare benefits, but that’s ended about 2 years ago. I recently asked him to look for a job and start working from september because I feel that the burden of being the sole breadwinner is too big for me and because I think it hasn’t done neither of us good that he doesn’t have job. I am working on taking better care of myself, prioritising myself, setting boundaries, filling my cup etc. In many cases these topics feel very foreign to me (although I’ve heard them thousands of times). I find it hard to know what it is that I feel or need or where my boundary is. But I am trying and practicing.
One thing that comes up is that he can become quite absorbed by his own emotions and proces. He is often repeatedly going through the same over and over again. I’ve listened and supported him a lot but feel that I can no longer bare hearing some of these things. His emotions also have quite a big impact on me. I’ve told him I don’t want to discuss these topics anymore. But I realised that one thing that keeps coming up for me is that I think that I am denying his emotions if I tell him not to talk about them. I want him to feel that I support him (interesting because I can only do something and can’t make him feel a certain way). I find it important that there is space for emotions.
I think that one of the issues is that I think that his emotions and needs make it impossible for me to have emotions and needs too. Maybe that’s because of a lack of expressing myself when I am aware that what I feel/want/think it’s not with in line with what others want.
This is a thought – that if I deny his emotions if I don’t listen to them/ don’t want to be in the same space if he has strong emotions/ have contradicting needs or emotions – that I keep coming back to and I don’t know how to move forward.
I’d appreciate your insight.

 

 

Answer:

First of all, give yourself some love. Being a human is really hard sometimes. Being in relationship with others brings joy and pain. You are incredible and worthy, just as you are.

It sounds like you’re getting stuck in some all or nothing thinking. Notice how you brain sees only two options for you here. And neither sounds fun.  Do some journaling around the two options you see. Let yourself dump all the weight you’ve been carrying. Really go for it, no judging, no editing.

Once you’ve done that and had some processing time, you could try brainstorming all the other millions of options you have right now and moving forward in your life. It doesn’t matter how silly, how expensive, how “out there” your ideas are. Don’t worry about the obstacles your brain will immediately come up with. The goal is to get your brain working towards a goal, rather than reinforcing your belief that you can’t move forward.

Bring back any questions, models or insights you find so we can support you through this process.