I was in a relationship that I felt lately was draining. I have always had trouble communicating my boundaries but since I started to push myself to do so, I also started to feel less happy in my relationship. Trying to find the courage to do so and then when I did, it backfiring. My girlfriend was always making me second guess and make me insecure about why I need something. Over the past period of time this built up and I felt it was getting in the way of my own mental health. Now there was a trip coming up and the closer it came, the more I felt like I had no room to breathe. So I called it off and with that, in the same phone conversation, it became clear to myself that I had felt like I had no room to breathe for a while. And I ended it.
For her this came as quite a shock, because we did touch on subjects that I wasn’t content about but for me they weren’t resolved and she felt as if we had worked things out. The break-up happened two days ago and I’m struggling to find a way to navigate this. She still feels like she didn’t a good enough reason for breaking up with her and keeps contacting me. I feel like I owe her because the actual break-up come out of the blue in a way.
She wants to come over and work things out, so I said I didn’t want to see her because my mind is made up. But I also feel bad about breaking up over the phone. I’m scared that if we meet up that everything will just repeat itself. The same conversations where she’s not going to want to hear what I have to say about it. And also I feel scared that if she will say all the things I want to hear that we might even give it another go but I think that even though it really makes me more sad than I can describe, I just won’t be happy staying in this relationship long term.
Because she calls me a few times a day, and everytime she does she’s in a different mood, I notice that I’m in constant stress. Everytime my phone buzzes my heart starts pounding, I start sweating, and in between I feel completely drained. I feel like the right thing to do for me is saying that I need some space from her but I also feel guilty for breaking up with her when she says she didn’t see it coming. How do I navigate this?
Answer:
A great question to ask yourself is “What would love do?” Pure, deep, confident love for you and love for her. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind and continuing the conversation won’t change the outcome. If you were confident in your choice and you were feeling love, what would you want to do?
There is no right answer. You just decide how you want to show up and move forward. It’s ok that she’s surprised, hurt, calling and wanting to talk in person. Of course she does, she’s a human with a brain who doesn’t want to break up. It’s not a problem. It’s ok that you don’t want to talk to her right now. You’re also a human with a brain navigating a break up. Some pain is to be expected, but guilt is something you can put down as soon as you stop telling yourself it would be better if you broke up a different way. She thinks it would be less painful if you just spoke in person, or if she had a hint that it was coming, but she’s wrong about that. It’s ok to let her have her thoughts and feelings and still do what feels right to you. Try filling in this model and see what comes up.
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