Boundaries with family member

Hi there

Thank you for your last response—it really helped me realize that a boundary also needs a consequence when it’s crossed. That was a big insight for me!

I would love your help with a situation I just had with my mother. I wrote out these unintentional models, and I can see how I keep feeling trapped and controlled in the interaction, no matter what I do. I think I need to work on shifting my thoughts and responses, but I’m struggling to see how.

Here’s what I wrote:
Unintentional Model 1:

C: My mother calls me because she has inserted herself into my business and is now telling me what I have to do.
T: [When I am taken by surprise like this I go straight to feeling and sensation – there is really no thought here]
F: Trapped
S: Increased heart rate
A: I see what’s happening and look for a way out. I say, “I don’t have time to discuss this now, we are about to have dinner,” and I instantly drop the phone.
R: The result is a thought: “This is her trying to make me feel small and control my business.”

This leads to…
Unintentional Model 2:

C: I now have to make a decision on the situation she inserted herself into. Do I do what she says or I don’t (I see how this becomes not about the actual “matter at hand” but about her and me and who feels in control)
T: I have to set a boundary.
F: Stressed and anxious
S: Heart rate increases
A: I call someone for advice. I follow that advice and call my mother to find out what exactly is her reasoning for “the matter at hand or why she believes that this needs to be done”.

Leading to…
Unintentional Model 3:

C: I call her and ask her why she sees that this “matter at hand” needs to be done. I begin to argue with her (I see how this is my mistake here! Should have just said: “Thank you for your explanation but I will not do that. I don’t see it necessary!) I tell her I don’t like her inserting herself into my business. She tells me she’s doing it because I am being incapable. And unfortunately it doesn’t stop there but it ends eventually.
T: [Many thoughts but not worth sharing]
F: Very angry at her (but also at myself).
S: Increased heart rate
A: I decide to do the opposite of what she wants me to do.
R: Either way, I don’t feel free—if I do what she wants, she’s in control. If I don’t do it, she’s still in control. As a result, I feel weak and trapped.
What I’d love your guidance on:

I can see that I’m reacting to her instead of acting from a place of power and choice. How can I shift my thought process so that I feel free no matter what she says or does? I know boundaries are part of it, but I also feel like I’m stuck in a loop where she still “wins” either way. What would be a more intentional model that allows me to feel strong, rather than just reacting to her?

Thank you so much for your help!

Best,

 

Answer:

 

Great job working with the model. One tip I’d like to offer is to make your C line factual – what did your mom say, or what would a photograph or video show another person about what happened? The C line is where we separate facts from the story our brains create about what happened or didn’t happen (the story goes in the T line). Here’s what it could look like based on what you’ve created:

C: Mom called on phone and said words
T: She’s inserting herself into my business

I highly recommend bringing your models to the self-coaching model call this month! It will be a helpful exercise to build one with one of our coaches.

Describe what winning would look like to you in a situation where your mother calls and says words. Lastly, some boundaries don’t need to be communicated for you to win. For example, I wonder what decisions can you make about when you’re available to talk on the phone with her. What do you think?