Boundaries with partner’s family

My husband is Italian and I am German. We live in Germany. Naturally his parents and grand-parents who live together are in Italy.
Saying that is Grandma is old he used to call his parents (+Grandparents) every day just to ask everyone the same question of How are you? and he would say how is he and if there was any news. This became quite annoying, but when we had evening plans, he would cancel the call and send a message. Then his grandparents did, but then covid came across Italy and he called every day. Without the grandparents hearing bad the calls even became longer. Then finally when you think things settle his dad becomes cancer and also dies half a year later and I am glad I did not interrupt the daily calls. Now is mum is alone young and thriving at 61 with lot of friends and social activities and he still calls her every day. With Corona and our new life style we don’t go out in the evening anymore and there is no excuse to say why we can’t call today. I don’t think is fair, because we have more program at home (we cook, we garden, online webinars etc.) but just because one is physically at home there is no excuse to not call. Every evening it takes roughly from 8.30 to 9.00pm half an hour of our time as a couple.
I am frustrated and it is an lingering argument that pops up every so often.
German kids call their parents once a week on Sunday (or on the weekend) for a longer 1h or 2.
How can I not ruin the relationship with my mother in law nor my husband but also find my inner peace. I already told my husband if he wants to live with his mum he can leave me.

C – My husband calls his mum every evening for 20 – 40 min.
T – It steals valuable time from us as a couple. We need to squeeze into our evening program between dinner, walking, relaxing, cooking and admin on the PC and maybe some couple time for us
F – Anger, Hatred, Frustration, Giving Up, Helpless
A – I stay quiet and don’t say anything. The anger grows inside of me and pops up now and then as of course I cannot contain it
R – I smile but am angry inside and it is eating me up

C – My husband calls his mum every evening for 20 – 40 min.
T – … ( I like my mother in law. I like my husband. We all have a lot of fun together. My husband and me have enough couple and uninterrupted alone time. His mum does not disturb us/me.) …..
A – ….
R – I have inner peace

Honestly guys, I don’t know which thought and action could help me to get to my result. My Italian has become really good meanwhile and I am wondering if I should dare talk to her next time in Italy alone if maybe every other evening is fine (even when we are at home – when we are out it’s ok he sends a message).
Now she is already so used to it I don’t know how to possibly get the calls to be less. If I don’t manage to make the turn now, soon it will be too late. Of course when she is old a daily call is what we do happily and I already said is ok if she lives with us or whatever, for sure we take care.

best,
Desperate flower

Answer:

We’re so glad you brought this here and asking for help. Let’s take a look at your models first.

What’s interesting about your UM is that the result that you’re creating is that you could be losing valuable time as a couple outside of your evening schedule because of how your anger affects your interactions.  What I love about your goal of creating inner peace is that inner peace functions independently of what others around you are doing, which means that you have control over whether or not you have it. This is good news!

If I could paraphrase a bit, it seems like you fear that your husband prioritizes speaking with his mother over your relationship so much so that you’ve told him that he can go live with his mum and leave you. This sounds like it’s coming from an activated place in your nervous system that’s suggesting: I’m not safe and I’m going to be alone. I would argue that safety and inner peace are more or less synonymous. Given this, let’s talk more about inner peace – specifically what it means to you. Consider the following questions:

• How would you know that you had it? (What would you be doing differently? What would you not be doing? How would you feel?)

• How would you feel in your body?

• What would this mean for you? For your husband? For your relationship?

• How is inner peace different from staying quiet and pushing down your anger?

• Would your husband or his mother have to change for you to be able to access this place? Why or why not?

What can you take from answering these questions to your IM? Come back when you’re ready for more coaching on this.