Boundary – Holding my Ground P 6

Hi Coaches,

Thank you again for your reflections on my last submission. That question—“How will you honor the work you’ve done?”—really stayed with me. And in a way, I realized I actually did honor it: by not rushing to read their reply, by protecting my energy and nervous system around other big things I had going on, and by choosing to read the message only when I felt grounded enough. That felt like a meaningful act of self-trust and growth. I didn’t spiral. I allowed the emotions that came up, but I didn’t immediately react or try to “fix” them. That’s new for me.

Now that I’ve sat with the message, I’ve done a thought download and created three unintentional models. I’ll paste them below. I stayed very neutral in the C line, while being honest about what was actually said. These three models capture the different fears and emotional flashpoints that came up for me when reading their invitation to have a conversation “to clear up misunderstandings.”

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C: I received a message from my cousin and her partner in response to my boundary message. They suggest we talk in person to “clear things for both sides and avoid misunderstandings.”

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Model 1
T: This is a setup.
F: Dread
A:
– Brace myself mentally for conflict
– Imagine worst case scenarios
– Replay their message looking for hidden meaning or manipulation
– Avoid thinking about possible repair or mutual understanding
– Shut down any openness or curiosity
– Disconnect from my inner calm and clarity
R: I create a setup in my own mind where I can’t feel safe, no matter what.

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Model 2
T: They want to vindicate themselves, and the only way to do that is by stomping all over my truth.
F: Powerless
A:
– Imagine myself being cornered and outnumbered
– Feel like I need to defend or protect myself preemptively
– Feel small and alone
– Anticipate that my experience will be dismissed or reinterpreted
– See their message as a performance, not a gesture of connection
– Lose trust in my own truth
R: I brace for my truth to be erased and disconnect from my sense of agency.

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Model 3
T: They’re going to try to blame me and make me the problem.
F: Anger
A:
– Go into mental defense mode
– Rehearse arguments and possible attacks
– Replay old wounds of being scapegoated
– Feel resistance to further contact
– Identify with the role of being “too much” or the one who causes conflict
R: I carry the blame preemptively and stay stuck in the story of being the problem.

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Looking at these models helps me recognize that I don’t feel safe entering a face-to-face conversation with both of them. Not yet. I’m not saying the conversation shouldn’t happen eventually—but I get to choose the how and the when. And right now, a phone call feels like the safest first step. I am not emotionally ready to be physically in a room with both of them while navigating such a charged topic.

Honoring myself means not rushing into a situation that feels unsafe or overwhelming, and trusting that my safety matters. I’m doing that by recognizing that an in-person meeting is not something I can do right now, and that a phone call would be a much safer first step. That choice in itself is an act of self-trust and self-respect.

I’d love your help crafting intentional models to begin moving out of these three loops—especially if the intention is to show up to a future call with a clearer sense of self, more calm, and less reactivity.

Some specific questions I’m sitting with:
• How do I prepare myself emotionally and mentally for that first call—especially with the goal of protecting myself without preemptively going in on the defensive?
• How can I tell the difference between fear that’s protective (i.e. rooted in wisdom) and fear that’s keeping me stuck?
• How can I stay open to real dialogue without abandoning my clarity, lived experience, or boundaries?

Warmly,

Answer:

Good work recognizing you’re not ready for a face to face conversation.  We also celebrate you creating and sending that message. How did it feel to send? What was the experience like waiting for a response? What did you feel when you did get the response? Compare what your brain thought would happen versus what it was actually like.  What lessons can you learn from this that will help you go into a conversation?

From an outside perspective, I see people who are very open to figuring this out. Why does your brain think it’s a setup or that they will blame you? It important to recognize your own patterns and stories that you are bringing to the conversation. You might not know exactly where the fear is coming from until you move forward. You will get more information as you take action.  What would be different if you trusted yourself to handle whatever comes up in this conversation? What if you let it be messy? What emotion do you want to guide you as you figure out how you’re going to handle next steps?