Boundary – Standing in My Truth (P7)

Hi Coaches,

Thank you again for your reflections on my last submissions. I stayed with your questions and journaled.

After sending the message, I felt immediate relief. I was just glad not to have to carry it around anymore. It felt good and important to finally speak my truth. A weight was lifted.

I wasn’t actually waiting for a response. If I’m honest, I think I was avoiding it. I didn’t want to deal with what might come back. When they did respond, it felt too soon. I wasn’t ready. That’s when I honored my own timing: I didn’t open the message until I felt grounded and had the space to do so.

But once I read it, my brain immediately started scanning for the negative—looking for hidden messages, blame, or manipulation. You might even call it paranoia. So your note about the outside perspective was helpful. It made me pause and ask: what’s actually going on here?

You wrote:

“Why does your brain think it’s a setup or that they will blame you? It’s important to recognize your own patterns and stories.”

You’re right. Looking at the three models I shared, I realized they all orbit around one core belief—one that runs deep in my nervous system:

“If I speak up for myself, I won’t be safe.”

That’s the pattern I’ve carried for decades, especially in relationships where I felt emotionally dependent. Over time, I internalized the belief that my voice causes rupture. And that the only way to restore peace is to abandon myself, admit wrongdoing, or shrink.

So here’s the unintentional model that captures the heart of that pattern—and which I believe plays out underneath the more immediate models I shared last time:

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UM (Core Pattern)
C: I’m in a situation that requires me to speak up for myself or set a boundary.
T: If I speak up for myself, I won’t be safe.
F: Fear
A:
– Numb out, freeze, dissociate
– Preemptively scan for retaliation or punishment
– Rehearse self-defense strategies
– Withdraw from contact or over-explain
– Regret it if I do speak up
– Replay past moments of blame and humiliation
– Question my right to speak
– Prepare for damage control
R: I don’t stay with myself after speaking up — I abandon myself to stay safe.

⸻

That’s the piece I’m working with now. I’ve realized that while I do speak up more often these days, the second part—the part where I stay with myself afterward—is still shaky. That’s where the powerlessness comes in. I speak my truth, but then I retreat from it.

So going forward, the work is not just about speaking up. It’s about staying. Owning. Holding. Not negotiating with fear.

I’d like to try an intentional model to support me in preparing for the next step: a phone call with my cousin and her partner.

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IM (First Draft)
C: I’m planning a phone call with my cousin and her partner to follow up on my boundary message.
T: I spoke up, and now I stand in my truth.
F: Committed / Grounded / Agency (trying these on)
A:
– Decide the format and timing of the call based on what feels safe for me
– Respond to their message clearly and calmly, with a proposed time for the call
– Remind myself that discomfort doesn’t mean I did something wrong
– Resist the urge to justify, fix, or over-explain
– Stay anchored in my values and reasons for setting the boundary
– Keep my nervous system in view and allow space and pacing
R: I stay with myself and honor my truth through the next step of this process.

⸻

Here are my questions:
• What emotion might best support me here if “committed” doesn’t quite land?
• What else might help me strengthen the A line to stay grounded in the call?
• Could you help me refine the R line? I’m not sure if “I stay with myself and honor my truth” captures the real-world result clearly enough. I also sometimes confuse the T and R lines, so I’d love your perspective.

Thank you again for walking with me through this work. It feels like a big re-patterning moment—not just for this conversation, but for my inner system overall.

Best,

Answer:

The GROWTH coming through in your submissions is huge. Question – are you letting yourself have some space to feel safe and secure? A place to retreat where it’s safe to be messy and rest and recover from all of these steps you’re taking for yourself and with/for your family?

In regard to your question about the F line, what about committed doesn’t quite land? When it comes to doing something scary, I often go to embracing courage – to do hard, scary, uncharted things. Courage is not a comfortable feeling. It’s like a combination of fear, bravery, hope, and commitment. What happens when you try that on?

What can you do beforehand to help you engage your A line? Is there a script? Some support or scaffolding you can offer yourself? What setting can you create for yourself to both have the conversation in, and land in after you hang up? What training might you need to do beforehand? Where can you cut yourself some slack to be imperfect and messy?

What your R line makes me think of is that you give yourself the support you need and the opportunity to have your own back through an experience that feels big and scary. How does that land? The R lines can be tricky – the hardest part of the model for a lot of people!