Boyfriend hasn’t called/texted

Dear coach,
my boyfriend is far away at the moment and for the next month. We were having a challenging time before, almost breaking up, but in the end deciding to give ‘it’ another try after we reunite in a month.

I keep coming back to thoughts and feelings about him or us that are unpleasant, unhelpful and interfering with my everyday life. I am just learning the modeling practice and almost daily use this topic as an example to become more aware of some underlying thoughts and eventually change them. But I still struggle with many parts of it a lot, that’s why I am asking for some advice on how I can approach the thought work and selfcoaching differently or where I can improve. One circumstance I struggle with, as an example, in two models

C: We have not heard from each other in some days.
T: Why is he not writing or calling?
E: Uncertainty
A: Endlessly think about why he doesn’t write
Repeatedly stare at the (empty) chat, start to write messages that I then don’t send, don’t open up to him,
don’t taking control of the situation and my feelings
R: Continuously ask myself why is he not writing or calling

C: We have not heard from each other in some days.
T: I miss him a lot, is he not missing me?
E: lost
A: Think about how much I miss him, think about how he doesn’t miss me, don’t stop worrying about this, don’t take time to process my emotions, don’t enjoy time with others or with myself because I am so busy waiting for an answer, don’t nurture myself, …
R: I continue to badly miss him (And miss out on life)

I feel like I can not just be open with him and write “I miss you a lot”, because in the past he hasn’t reacted to that at all, and I am already feeling very vulnerable and hurt. Also I do not want to be needy and I do not want to need him.
I know that I am responsible for my feelings, my emotions and my thoughts, and in the end for my experience of the situation. I really want to take the time I have without him to understand and process what is going on in me, why I feel so often so much uncertainty and why I constantly seek some kind of approval from him. I will be grateful for any tip or resource or further questions to take this exploration deeper.
Love, and thank you!

 

Answer:

This is a great start to models. It is also wonderful that you are working on understanding you. 

Let’s look at your models first.
In the C, let’s get as factual as possible.
In the T line, use a statement instead of a question. For your first model, answer the question with what you think the answer is. Use that answer for the T.
Guessing at some of this, maybe it looks like this:

C: We have not texted or talked in X days (a number would be great if possible.)
T: I wonder if he is still interested.
F: Uncertain
A:  Endlessly think about why he doesn’t write, repeatedly stare at the (empty) chat, start to write messages that I then don’t send, don’t open up to him,
R: I don’t show interest in what I want.

You mentioned how he has acted in the past when you have said how you feel. The problem is that you are trying to guess at what will make him think, feel, or act the way you hope. The problem is anything you do is his circumstance. Only he can choose what he thinks of what you do. What he thinks about it is out of your control. That’s why it does not feel good, because there is not a factual answer of how to do this. It is impossible.

What would you choose to do if you were deciding from love for yourself and your interests?

For the second model,

C: We have not communicated in X days
T: He does not miss me
F: Lost
A:  Think about how much I miss him, think about how he doesn’t miss me, don’t stop worrying about this, don’t take time to process my emotions, don’t enjoy time with others or with myself because I am so busy waiting for an answer, don’t nurture myself,
R: I miss out on my life

A great model would be why do you want him to miss you. That would go in the T line of a new model. The C line being “Boyfriend away for X amount of time.”

You have so much great awareness in your action lines. Playing with this model will help you to create more awareness into what you want and why.