Breaking up with a controlling partner

I don’t know why I haven’t used asked a coach until now.

I broke up with my partner of nine years this summer, we have a three year old child. It’s not the first time we have split up but it is definitely the last.

He wont accept my decision and is making it very difficult for me to leave, changing his mind regularly, using emotional abuse to try and change my mind.

The plan was to sell our house and find separate properties but he keeps changing his mind and won’t sign the forms.

So…I have found a place to rent but its not available for a month unfortunately – since we have broken up we have been ‘nesting’ so our child stays at home and we are in and out. My ex wants to split custody of our son 50/50 which I am agreeing too but honestly finding very difficult and I believe that our son is also struggling. I am noticing major behavioral changes and extreme clinginess.

I haven’t been assertive enough throughout our relationship and have been appeasing him at my own expense. I want to stop this behavior but I am finding it very challenging. I’m managing to stay focused on my thought ‘I deserve to be in a relationship where my needs are met’ and its got me to this point.
I feel like im running for safety but there are bombs going off all around me, affecting everyone and everything around me, I feel selfish? Which is confusing
Do you have any suggestions for navigating this situation?

 

Answer:

 

First and foremost, are you safe physically and emotionally? If you are in need of more support or protection for any reason, please call your local women’s crisis hotline, the police, your GP, therapist or counselor, or any other services and people that can come to your aid.

Learning to stop people pleasing is a process – and an imperfect one at that. Ending a partnership can be a particularly triggering time where we revert to old patterns because it feels safe there. It makes sense that your brain is suggesting that what you are doing is selfish – you’re in new territory, trying new things in familiar circumstances.

Question your brain gently – is it true that you’re being selfish? When it comes to stopping people pleasing, what is the minimum bar for success at this point in time? Remember that you can create love and compassion for yourself at any time with your thoughts – consider giving yourself an extra healthy double dose of each right now.