Breast feeding grief

I had my baby unexpectedly early at 34 weeks due to placenta insufficiency. We had a difficult start to her life as she spent 16 days in NICU. While pregnant I knew I wanted to give breast feeding a go, but felt very open to other options and ways of feeding my baby. When baby was on NICU I worked hard to initiate and then build my milk supply by expressing, as I was unable to be with my baby, have skin to skin, as I had so hoped and anticipated during my pregnancy.

I have now been breast feeding for 6 weeks, and it has not been the experience I had wished for, due to pain and difficulty with feeding. I am ultimately not enjoying it, and it is making me really unhappy. However, I feel unable to stop! I have been stuck in this place for a number of weeks and am reaching out for some help to try and unpick my thinking and thoughts around it so I can move forwards and make a decision about how to feed my baby from a more balanced view point.

I’ve put a few thoughts in the model below to summarise my thinking

C – Breast feeding my baby

T- I am a failure because this is so difficult.
I am letting my baby down if I don’t continue with this.
I failed my baby during in pregnancy (due to placenta insufficiency) and so owe this to her.

F – Shame, guilt, grief (for the birth/fourth trimester I had imagined)

A – tearful, ruminating thoughts about not being enough, comparison, isolating myself at home, dreading the next feed

R – breast feeding my baby is difficult and painful. Stuck.

I have tried some intentional models, but am having difficulty with the intentional thoughts

C – breast feeding my baby
T – I am doing my best
F – pride/contentment
A – considering alternative options for feeding
R – baby is well fed and nourished

Thank you for any help you can offer.

Answer:

I wonder if the reason that the intentional model thoughts feel difficult is because you are trying to make a leap from shame to pride? That is quite a big jump on the spectrum of emotions. It’s so important to remember that the model’s purpose isn’t to get us out of our thinking patterns that are causing us to suffer (although this is often a side effect!), their purpose is to help us see how we’re thinking and what other thoughts are available to us.
If “I’m a failure” is on one side of the spectrum of your thoughts, and “I’m doing my best” is on the other, what thoughts lie in between? What feelings may be a little more accessible than pride or contentment? I’m thinking along the lines of acceptance, sadness, or understanding… frustration even. The intentional model is just something we deliberately choose to live into. It doesn’t have to be the fix. You can be intentionally grieving. What is accessible to you right now?
Finally, we fully believe that you are doing your best, even if you feel shame, guilt, and grief. The transition into motherhood isn’t always smooth and joyful. It can be painful and hard and sad. And that’s okay. You have a strong, supportive, and understanding community in TFC. Lean into us and come back to us when you’re ready for more coaching.