Building a healthy relationship (pt 2)

Thank you for the empathy and compassion at the start of this post. There is shame showing up for me around this topic and so I am so grateful for Ask A Coach and to myself for bringing it.

Your question around how does it serve me was intriguing, and threw me at first. After reflecting and observing I have noticed a couple of things. Firstly, I think that it satisfies the part of me which has avoidant attachment because it can keep him at a distance, and also can give me an escape route from the relationship when I am feeling scared and the avoidant attachment is showing up. Second, I think it fulfils the part of me that wants to be right, “see you knew you were a bad partner and now it has been confirmed”. Whilst this seems illogical, imagining that I am a good partner feels scary.

Although when I sat with the thought below actually I think the feeling was excited… Because it feels so close to anxiety I do tend to label it as anxiety and be more fearful around letting myself feel excited. I can also feel my thoughts wanting to go into the model of T: I will mess this up. Which is I think why I am scared to feel excited. Perhaps I need to examine my definition of a “good” partner, maybe it isn’t the best word I can use.

If I were to put it in a model it would be:

C: My actions in romantic relationship
T: I am a good partner
F: Excited
S: Energy in my solar plexus, tension in my stomach, tingly arms
A: Forgive myself when unhealthy behaviours occur, show myself more love and compassion within the relationship, cut myself more slack, communicate my needs to my partner without feeling guilty or apologising, look for opportunities of connection with my partner
R: I build the relationship that I want both with myself and with my partner

I know that the next step is doing the work, and that can be sometimes where I fall down. I will have a think about how I integrate this thought.

Answer:

That answer actually is so understandable to me and not at all illogical. Thinking about yourself in a new way can feel so unstable – the possibility that you aren’t what you’ve told yourself you are for the lifetime of your romantic relationships can shatter the foundation on which your belief system has been built. It makes perfect sense, and it’s allowed to feel shaky.

This model is beautiful and, indeed, exciting. What are some helpful bridge thoughts that might support you in getting to this place? As a reminder, bridge thoughts help you take small steps to get closer to your IMs. They start like this…

I am becoming the kind of person who…
Maybe…
It’s possible…
I’m learning…
I wonder…

And yes, your hunch to get curious about what you think a good partner is sounds like a worthwhile examination. This is big stuff. Keep going, and loving yourself through it all.