Building a healthy relationship (pt 3)

On reflecting on this some more, and thinking of a recent situation and my response, I think there is also a part around safety here. I didn’t always feel safe as a child with my parents, and especially at home. I think therefore there is a part of my brain that associates closeness and home relationships with danger. When my inner knowing reaches for something more, particularly around relationships, my brain responds as if that is a threat.

Therefore a lot of compassion and tenderness is required.

In terms of the model, a really helpful bridge thought that I have been working with is T: “I am a partner”. I love the neutrality of it, which creates a lot of space for all sorts of situations, reactions, behaviours etc. It allows for the messiness of life and the human experience. It also means that there is space there for all the realities which is that I could be a happy partner, scared partner, tired partner, snappy partner, playful partner etc.

To me, being a good partner is: showing up; being curious about my partner, myself and the relationship we are building; being willing to have the hard and uncomfortable conversations; responding to bids; setting boundaries; apologises sincerely when it is appropriate to do so; expressing all my range of emotions in front of my partner; being vulnerable with my partner; being playful and silly; enjoying doing the day to day tasks of life together; not enjoying doing the day to day tasks of life together; valuing my own space, hobbies, interests; exploring myself and my growth; allowing my partner to support me; supporting my partner; being a cheerleader for my partner, even when it scares me; encouraging and supporting my partner with their own growth, and loving them regardless of what they choose to explore; truly listening to my partner; communicating my needs clearly.

I do really feel at the moment that I am experiencing and building the relationship that I want. I feel so grateful and so lucky and so proud of myself! Thank you for your support with coaching on this.

 

 

Answer:

So good.  I would offer that in addition to compassion and tenderness, you could also explore healing those parts of your nervous system that are reacting from your childhood. We sometimes forget that post-traumatic growth is possible. If we can be hurt, we can also heal. If we learned patterns, we can learn new ones. There are countless ways to do this, and it may be a lifelong process, but so worth the journey.

Keep that grateful, lucky, proud energy as you keep working towards your goal. We’re here to answer any other questions or coaching that you need.