Building a new life while navigating mood changes and nervous system activation

I moved to a small town at the start of the pandemic, and spent the first year or so more or less just alone in my apartment with very little contact with people. I’m now at the point where I’d like to start building a life here. I have only one friend here, no partner, no community really, and I’ve just left a job I didn’t care about without any clear idea on what kind of career I’d even like to pursue. I’m almost 40 and it feels like I’m starting from scratch.

My mood (and nervous system states) fluctuate hugely both through my cycle and even during the course of the day. When I’m feeling optimistic, I’ll make some plans in an attempt to build connections, whether that’s setting up dates through a dating app, signing up for a pottery class, etc. But I think in part because of how much time I spent alone at the beginning of the pandemic, my nervous system is now activated around literally anything involving interacting with other people (might be worth noting that I’m neurodiverse with some sensory sensitivities, so being out and about and interacting with people can be genuinely exhausting for me, especially in the Autumn of my cycle). So when these events get closer, I’m riddled with dread. This goes one of two ways: either I cancel the plans and feel relieved but am no closer to my goal of finding friends/community/a parter/a career path, or I’m in a state of panic for the day or two before the event, and am cursing past me for committing to these plans and feel really trapped. Usually if I can actually get myself to do whatever the plans are, I’ll feel fine during and after. It’s just the anticipation that’s absolutely miserable. I want to be able to get involved in my community and meet new people, but at the same time I don’t want to feel as though I’m forcing myself into an activated nervous system state almost constantly. Even though technically it was me who chose to make these plans, because my moods fluctuate so much, it really feels like some other person made these plans and is forcing me to do them.

Obviously if I think about what I really want, at least when I’m in ventral vagal, it’s new experiences, meeting new people, exploring my interests so that I can figure out next steps career-wise, etc. But it’s very hard to tap into that when my whole body is basically telling me that if I attend a new book club I’m literally going to die! It really feels that dramatic to my nervous system. And yet I know nothing is going to change if I continue to just sit and watch TV every night with my dog (as enjoyable as that is).

 

 

Answer:

You know yourself best, so take this coaching and check in with yourself before applying. I would offer that it might be time to just take massive action where you do the things that are going to create the result you want even if your nervous sytem freaks out. The more you do it, the more you will show your brain it’s safe to make friends, attend activities, go on dates and take job interviews.

It seems really useful to sit home and do thoughtwork so it’s not scary at all before we take action, but that’s just our brain doing it’s thing to keep us in the cave. You’ve already recognized it, now you just need to figure out what you want and start taking action towards it even if it’s messy and uncomfortable.

What’s something that was really scary for you when you first started but now is so simple? Use that experience as a guide. When I first got on Instagram stories about 4 years ago it felt so awful. I would second guess and re-record and overthink what I said…it was so uncomfortable and felt very vulnerable. Now it’s like nothing. I actually like doing stories because I get to connect with people. I’ve shown my brain it’s not a big deal.

What is one result you want to achieve that makes your stomach churn? Make an intentional model and get going on it. Share your goal in the community or bring it here so we can support you.