Can’t switch off after confrontation

I hear the coaches quite like a messy one, so here goes!

I’m really really struggling today after a confrontation yesterday. I had a situation at the place I hire a hall from, I often have to go into the bar next door thats part of the same community centre and ask for the tv to be turned down because its too noisy through the hall walls. I hate having to do this anyway, as I feel awkward. Even though the community centre manager has told me its ok to do, and that they would have a note behind the bar for the staff.

Last night a man got really angry when I asked to turn down the tv, he told me it wasn’t that loud and I explained that its noisy through the hall walls and affects my clients – and then I also said I pay quite a lot for the hire and have an agreement with the management that the tv will be quiter between 8 and 9pm. Looking back I think saying this just made it worse. He snapped at me that he is actually a trustee of the community centre and that I may hire the hall but i have no say whatsover about the bar. I kept explaining that its been agreed, and I also said I thought it was so strange that someone who is a trustee would talk so rudely to a hirer, when surely hirers are important to the survival of the community centre. He wouldn’t look me in the eye at, and I was so upset/ angry . at some point he turned down the tv and told me I’d got what I wanted so now go off and ‘teach my little class’. he said he would be bringing me up with the team there.

when i got into the hall I burst into tears, it was so triggering to me to be talked to like that by an older man, who I would perceive as being in a position of authority over me. It took me right back to growing up with my stepfather who was abusive and if I ever dared to speak up or argue back he would threaten to kick me out of the house. I managed to calm down and teach my class and my clients wouldn’t have realised anything was wrong. Afterwards I wrote an email to the manager, explaining what had happened, and explained my fears of encountering him another week, and whether we can have a clearer agreement that the bar staff are all aware of regarding the TV volume on that night.

since then I’ve been feelign awful. My head is buzzing like theres a nest of wasps in there. I cried to my husband, who was very kind and soothing. But i barely slept last night. I’m convinced he’s going to get me thrown out of the venue that I’ve taught at for 7 years, and as far as I’m aware a model hirer who always pays on time, keeps the hall clean etc. I’m beating myself up for the things I said, and for standing up to him. Which is crazy, as I’m also constantly beating myself up in other situations for not speaking up and for people pleasing. I’m feeling very sure that what my stepfather told me is true – that how I say things and how I am as a person makes people angry.

If I wasn’t so worried about my income and losing a third of my income if I lose this venue, maybe I wouldn’t be as bothered and could recalibrate and move on. I had horrible thoughts yesterday, like I if I didn’t have my daughters I’d prefer to be dead than continue living with this pathetic nature and this inability to deal with people and situations. (please note I am not actively considering doing anything to myself, I was just indulging in those thoughts). I also keep wishing I had so much money that I never had to work or rely on anyone else again, so that no-one could ever take things away from me. I did a thought download this morning and all the thoughts were about how I shouldn’t have said anything, I shouldn’t have said it was astounding that I trustee would behave like that, that I’ll lose my class, I won’t bring in enough income, that theres something wrong with me for not being able to switch off from this, that he must have seen weakness in me or he wouldn’t to me like that.

The only time today where I have been able to access another thought was after my daughter did something very sweet this morning and I had the thought that at least I’m getting parenting right. And that allowed me some headspace to consider that maybe I could have another thought, maybe I could have the thought that I was so brave to actually stand up to a bully.

I’m really not sure where to go from here. I feel way too activated to even be able to do much more than stare off into space, and yet I have to look after my young children this afternoon and then teach again (at a different venue) tonight. I hope you can get me started on being able to see things in a more constructive way,

 

Answer:

Thank you for bringing this, right in the moment. How are you feeling since you’ve had a bit of time since you wrote all of this out? Have you checked in with your nervous system? What if it’s constructive to just be upset and activated for a while after a confrontation? This is exactly how humans are designed. We are also designed to recover after stress. Take care of yourself so that can happen. Then you can open up to some self coaching.

I noticed in your story a theme I’d like to offer, see how it lands for you. Do you often think other people know more about you than you do?

Whether it’s your stepfather, a man in a bar or anyone else…when you let others dictate your life or tell you who you are it will feel pretty terrible. This is not a flaw or something that needs to be fixed. It is something you might want to recognize and wrap in a big warm blanket of love. Who you are is pure magic and no one else’s opinion can change that. All that matters is your opinion of you.

Of course you’re brave. What else do you know about you? What do you want to learn about you?