Can’t switch off after confrontation Pt 2

Thank you for your response.

I am feeling a lot calmer since writing my AAC soon after the incident. That afternoon I had a proper cry, which is not some thing that happens much to me. Rather than stopping this or thinking thoughts, I allowed the crying and even when my husband came in, I let him know that I didn’t need anything other than a cuddle and I wanted to let my tears come. Tapping into my emotions like this and allowing them felt big for me. I then ended up thinking about myself as a child and my fears of speaking out with my stepfather and I spent some time imagining that I was talking to that little girl and letting her know that life is different now and I have so many more resources available now than when I was a dependant child/ teenager. I found doing this work really powerful.

You mentioned a possible theme -‘Do you often think other people know more about you than you do?’
I really had to think about this, and I’m not sure. I think people can sense in me a weakness, and I think that something about me can trigger difficult responses in people because I don’t always know how to say things. I guess I can see how that would relate again to my stepfather and that his moods and reactions were blamed on me. Perhaps I am seeing myself as having more power over peoples responses and emotions that I really do have?

It made sense what you said about us being designed to be activated after a confrontation. I reflected on that, and I think I made the activation last much longer because I layered a lot of additional thoughts about the consequences that might come from this encounter. I feel like if he had been a member of the public rather than a trustee of the place I hire, then I might have got over the confrontation quicker.

I found a thought about the incident that has worked well for me, which is “I stood up to a bully”. This has helped me feel less shame and more pride, and whilst my mind still is spinning off about potential consequences for the place I hire, I feel more able to accept there could be consequences but they may feel worthwhile because I didn’t totally let the man walk all over without me questioning him and disagreeing. I was bullied a lot as a teenager which was sometimes physical, and I still remember with pride the time I kicked a boy back for slapping me – I appreciate that’s not necessarily a good thing to have done but it was the one and only time I stood up for myself and it did feel good!!

I’m unsure of where to go next with this. The incident itself may be on its way to being resolved – the community centre manager has been in touch and apologised for what happened and is planning to speak with the Trustee. My mind only felt relieved for a short while before then wondering if the man will argue back and turn the situation round onto me. But really, the main thing I want to work on is this belief that I provoke bad reactions in people, or that I’m unable to respond properly when in a confrontation, so that I can handle things better in the future.

 

Answer:

Celebrate you for really exploring this, it takes courage to look at these parts of ourselves when we’re not sure what we’ll find. You may want to find more awareness by putting “I provoke bad reactions in people.” and “I’m unable to respond properly when in a confrontation.” into models, asking questions and finding the root of this. One great question is Why is this a problem for me?

I would offer that what you could also question your expectation that there are always going to be more confrontations. Describing a situation as a confrontation is a thought. It’s a label you are putting on an interaction. The word confrontation denotes two people being involved, head to head,  but what if you take yourself out of the equation? How could you do that and still be strong and confident and take care of yourself?

What would you get to feel if you let go of the thought “there will be confrontations in the future”? It may be helpful to think of someone you admire who doesn’t worry about confrontations. What do they think about people? How do they think about themselves?